How to put off working...by whining to your friends

You know how motivation is fleeting, so you have to have discipline, and building habits helps with that discipline, so when the motivation inevitably fizzles out, you will have those habits to fall back on, making it easier to maintain that discipline and consistency?

Yeah, that.

I thought for sure that doing this hospital thing, where I see a dietitian weekly, meaning I'm accountable to someone, would help me be more disciplined. Obviously, it's not. This is not an exercise thing, either, since, as we all know, weight loss is so very much about the food. I have not been perfect with the exercise, don't get me wrong, but I am so much more likely to go work out for an hour than to eat well all day. I ate well on Sunday! Not terribly on Saturday. Not great the past week or two.

Here's the thing. The dietitians don't care. This is not a knock against them, they are doing their job, they ask questions like, "why do you think you do that," and "what could you be doing that would help you make better choices?" Which are perfectly fine questions, and highlight the very issue here. I am not "slipping up" or " accidentally eating large portions". I know what I'm doing, and I'm consciously eating high calorie treat type food. And I have no idea why, other than, I want to. Which makes me sound like I'm 9. Which apparently is where I am, mentally, when it comes to food. Anyway, yeah, so with this program the way it is, if I was working it, I would be down more than 30 lbs by now, but I haven't been working it at all. I don't much like the stuff, and I don't really like the people I have to see every week. Which is mean, again, they are doing their job, but they just don't seem to care, and we just don't connect. I like the doctor a lot. If I saw her every week, I'd probably do better, but that would cost a lot of money. She does do the dance fitness classes I used to take every week, maybe I should start going to those again, just so I saw her weekly, but that would feel a bit like stalking. I do want to go back to those, but the timing is pretty limited, so I'm not sure when I'll fit it in.

So many excuses. I'm not sure what my magic kick in the ass looks like. I think a support group-like atmosphere, where you get to know people, and we all care about each other's progress, but Weight Watchers was not my thing, and I guess this is a little old fashioned of me, but I need to do it in person, at least once a week. People have been texting me, and it is kind and so attentive, but I want to chat, and I am the worlds....slowest...texter.

Just a break here - I don't know how many Riverdance people we have working in the office overhead, but they walk so heavily! Makes me want to check on their footwear and see if they are all wearing steel-toed workboots. Seems a little over the top for officewear.

Anyway, that's enough whining.

Oh, except my brother and I went to the gym on Saturday, and we did some heavy lifting, including tricep work, which I apparently have not been working very hard. Sunday I was a little sore, but yesterday, starting very very early in the morning, my tris hurt so much! Like, I had to move my head to my hands to wash and brush my hair. Like, could not bend my arms toward me more than 90 degrees. Like woke up in tears at one point. It was stupid ridiculous. Obviously, I overworked them, but holy crapballs, it hurt. Last night, I took some ibuprofen before bed, and this morning I could brush my hair. Still sore, but not Leslie Knope sore.

It's getting so dark so early that I have no energy after work. So last night, I didn't get out of the office until 5, so I skipped the gym. I will have to stop doing that. Or start working out in the morning again. I might try that, but today I have one of the classes for this weight loss program (it's the first behavioral health class I've gotten to attend, and I am rather looking forward to it. Maybe they will have something interesting to say) and won't get home until almost 7, but I skipped yesterday, so I will...sigh...use the treadmill at home.

This was a pretty freaking whiny post. Whining with very little solution presentation. I guess I really just needed to vent a little. I appreciate you all being here to listen. Have a glorious day.

I ran!

Good evening friends.
First, I have to brag on my life - I write about struggling a bit, and all my amazing, wonderful people jump out and are like, "what do you need?" Because I'm a big lucky ducky, that's who I am.

How was your Halloween? I adore Halloween. I love the whole thing - spooky stories, scary movies, dressing up, trick or treaters of any age, and I have a bizarre love for caramel apples, which stores only seem to carry around Halloween, which is a little silly, since they have apples all year. I dressed as Bob Ross this year, which delighted the hell out of my therapist, who I saw that morning. Her primary focus is art therapy, so as soon as I pulled out the wig, she squealed "you're Bob Ross!" That alone was worth the costume. I've been Bob before, but it was by request, and who am I to turn down a costume request. Also, it was easy and didn't cost a dime. Ooh, it was wicked cold by that evening, though. My sister and I sat outside to make trick or treating easier on the kiddles (of whom there were more than I expected,) and then wimped out after an hour. Still a fun day.

Then, Saturday, was my husband and my anniversary. We've been married 23 years, and we really didn't do much - at home date, chill and Amazon Prime (Jack Ryan, excellent show, if you haven't watched it.)

John, please forgive me, I am objectifying you, but wow. That's not Jim Halpert. You're welcome friends.

Went to the gym yesterday, and then again today, and guys. I ran today. Like, on purpose. It was not far, and it was not fast, and it was not long. There is this program "None to Run" , which really suits me much better than the Couch to 5K, because honestly, I am not running 1 minute at a time yet. I may be able to, but I would hate it, and this was 30 seconds, and I can certainly do 30 seconds. I did all the intervals, and I felt good doing it! I will continue this! I also had my shake and my soup, and I need to finish tracking for the day, which was not perfect, but I did drink all the water in the world.

Ok, so doing better, and I'm following along with the Organize Yourself Skinny people with my "choose your own challenge", and one of my challenges is to get back to blogging twice a week. So I'll be here more often. And also all the other things, which I will tell you about later this week, but I have to get moving, so have a good, shiny night!

I'm here...sort of

Hey friends. I'm struggling. Embarrassed by my lack of commitment and focus. Using food as a crutch, and unable to excavate myself from the pit. Not really in despair, not even feeling particularly depressed. Just stressed. A little low. Weak.

A part of this, I think, is I've allowed a little extra stress to interrupt that momentum I was building. I let those healthy habits I was working on lapse. And I don't have the energy to motivate myself. And I'm embarrassed by having to come here again to say, "hey guys, I really want to tell you I'm succeeding, but I'm acting like an 11 year old around food, and haven't been to the gym since last Monday. On top of that, I can't freaking fall asleep at night, which means I'm tired come morning, which means I make poor food choices, and don't go to the gym." Yup, struggling.

But then I think, Missy! Stop that! These people are your friends, your supporters, your confidantes! They would never judge you, for crap's sake! They will say, "hey! we have your back!"

So I'm posting, even though I'm struggling, because maybe you are too. And maybe we could motivate each other.

Also because a sweet friend of mine asked me a question a few weeks ago, and I never answered it because it needed a little extra thought and attention, and it was an interesting question, and then I thought I might write about it here, because, who knows, someone else might be interested. She said "You're so open about who you are and issues you are dealing with. How do you do that?"

First of all, I was so grateful for that question. In all honesty, what she sees as "openness", I often see as self-centeredness. For crying out loud, no matter my motivation, I come on here to talk about myself. How self-centered is that, right? But, the fact is, I am not actually talking about myself because I think everyone wants to hear about me. I talk about my struggles, my issues, and the stories of my life because I want to connect with others, and maybe my own struggles will make someone else feel less alone?

That's why. But she asked how. So, I've always been talkative. Anyone who knows me knows that. And I've generally been pretty open. I think a part of that is because my parents have always been pretty open with me, and have generally allowed for my opinion. But I've not always been honest.

And gah! Now I know why I wanted to write this today. (another Tiny Buddha post) How Letting Go Of the Need to be Special Changed My Life I was reading this today, and to be clear, this is not exactly what the post was about. The author and I are two very different people. I have always been a pretty freaking average person. My grades were decent, but not stellar, I've never been drop-dead gorgeous, a fantastic athlete (or any type of athlete), a good artist...just, an average person. Also, I've never been a perfectionist. I've never claimed to be one, either, but I've wanted to be seen as interesting, and I always felt that I would be more interesting if I excelled at things, or did interesting things that required a great deal more perfectionism, I think. Maybe I'm just too lazy to be a perfectionist. I don't know. Anyway, so I made things up to make myself seem more interesting. Not all the time, and certainly nothing important enough to cause trouble (I never pretended to be a doctor and then refused to help save a whale, for instance,) but enough that, looking back, I am ashamed and saddened by my own stupid lies. For instance, I was in the Army Reserves from age 19-27. I did my AIT training (training for my job, which was a print journalist) at Fort Ben Harrison in Indianapolis, right before they closed the post. There was another soldier named Dan, who was in the Broadcast Journalism program, on whom I had a rabid crush. He was a perfectly nice person, who never expected anything other than a nice friend, but I was positive that if I was more interesting, he would fall head over heels. So I lied about so many stupid things, everything from the ridiculously unnatural shade of red being my natural hair color, to the fact that I had years of professional massage therapy training (I did not), to my stories about the professional stage that I never was on. Honestly, I was only 19, and he probably knew there was no way I had had time to do all of this. I couldn't seem to help myself, though.

This continued into my 20's - with other moms, especially; people I desperately wanted to connect with because I was so unbelievably lonely as a young mother. I couldn't find much in common, so I made things up. Not quite so ridiculous as in my teens, but silly, stupid fibs, or omissions - I love sushi, for instance (can't stand it), or I finished college (which I still haven't, although I do really want to.) Pathetic, I realize, but I wanted so desperately to be Special. Interesting enough for people to want to be my friend (except, thankfully, for my husband. I've always managed to be more or less honest with him. He would see through my lies and call bullshit, anyway 😉)

I hit my mid-30's into my 40's and I don't know what happened. I just...stopped lying. I've continued to want to connect to others, but maybe I have  a strong enough circle, maybe I've just gained some perspective, and my self esteem is no longer that sucking pit of despair it was in my teens and 20's, and I realize I don't have to lie to make myself interesting. Either people find me interesting or not, and I can't really control that, and that's alright if people don't like me. I have strong, amazing, supportive people in my life, more than most people, and I am thankful for those I have.

Anyway, so there you go - I am open and honest about my struggles because lying is dumb, because they might help someone, because it definitely helps me, and because I have wonderful people in my life willing to listen.

Well, hello there!

Oops, let it go more than a week. I only exercised 2 days last week. That is certainly not going to get me where I want to go, so I promised myself I would start another habit-building streak for this week. I walked with my little sister at a very lovely park Sunday. It was gorgeous. And after we crossed a foot bridge, K stepped in a hole and twisted her ankle.Because that is what my sweet sister does. (love you.) Then, after moving a bit, she was like, "ok, I'm ok" and we went on to walk a mile or so. Yesterday she went to the doctor for a "severe sprain." Apparently, without the balm of my company, she felt the pain of the sprain. Sorry K. But it really was a lovely walk, if a smelly end. Yesterday was the gym, and today was another walk, as the weather is about to take a bit of a turn.

Food-wise - eh. Ok. I'm tracking it all, but goodness it is not fun to eat less than I want. Not exactly news.

Let's talk about something more fun - books.

There are two books I revisit again and again, and I want to talk about them, because I just finished one of them for the 5th time.

We'll start with the one you all know I love. I read The Handmaid's Tale the summer I was 15 when visiting mi prima favorita in Columbus. She was working, I needed something to read, she handed me this, my life changed (only one of many ways she has been a most excellent influence and all around coolest nerd I know.) I then went on to read everything Margaret Atwood has ever written, and she remains my favorite author (no, I haven't read The Testaments yet, do not ruin it for me!) It started with the language. Nobody describes a room more robustly than Ms. Atwood. I feel every situation, every emotion. Then there was the subject matter. High school was a great time for me to read this; I was just becoming my tree-hugging, idealistic, liberal hippie self, and I was angry! And, even then, when I was going to church and still feeling a part of organized religion, I felt the truth - if there was going to be an overthrowing, an oppression of this sort, it was going to be at the hands of angry white men, using God to hold us down. I still do believe that. I am lucky that I keep joining book clubs who are willing to read this, so I have been privileged to introduce many women to Offred and her world, like my cousin introduced me. One of my most interesting conversations was after the first time I made a book club read it - it was a large group, too - and the conversation at the meeting was pretty freaking subdued. One of the women asked, "really, this is your favorite book? Ever?" I was like, "yeah, you better not hate it, it's a freaking brilliant book." She said, "yeah, but, it's really dark! You're so...cheerful." 

I am cheerful. But I know realistic dystopia when it grabs me by the pu***.

Let's move on to something a little lighter.

I just finished this today - another book I've made 4 different book clubs read, because it is freaking beautiful. I bought it for my son when he was 11 - I heard Terry Gross talk about it on "Fresh Air", the premise was fascinating, and I loved Neil Gaiman. I don't think he read it right away, and neither did I, but I picked it up a few years later, and enjoyed it. Then I listened to the audiobook as read by the author, and it became one of my top 5 books of all time. The story - a young boy is raised by the ghosts of a graveyard after his family is murdered - is interesting, absolutely. But the telling is magical. The characters are deep and diverse, and the boy, Nobody Owens, is a protagonist you grow to care about. Neil Gaiman is one of the only authors I will listen to read his books, because he reads them really freaking well. His love for his characters is evident in every voice. Every time I listen to this book, I sob during the last chapter. In my car. As I drive. I'm sure my fellow commuters are fascinated. I cry because Bod's adventure is just beginning, and I am going to have to live tomorrow without these wonderful characters in my life. Because there are so many good books in the world, and I have to move on, too.

But not forever. I will listen to Bod's story again, maybe next year, maybe a few, definitely if I join another book club. And I will pick up The Handmaid's Tale again, probably next year. I've reread her 16 or 17 times, and I've listened to Clare Danes' reading twice. I've read The Graveyard Book once, but I've listened to the audio 4 times. They are worth every minute (and the money I've spent on two new copies of The Handmaid's Tale; in high school I was not a careful reader.)

My Kindle is done charging, so I am going to go back to this week's ghost story.
What about you? Any books you visit again and again? Share - I am always looking for some new characters to spend time with.

I love the end of Monday.

How many times do you get to say, "No, really, this time I'm serious," without losing friends and cheerleaders?

In my defense, there has been no Culvers since last Wednesday. Not all the choices have been good. I didn't work out at all Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. And last night, I indulged in a remarkable piece of Tres Leches cake that made me swoon, and I did not feel guilty about it, at all. I didn't even get a picture of it. I was too busy swooning. Two of my gorgeous girlfriends and I went to see a play based on the book Alias Grace by Margaret Atwood (swoon!), and we had dinner at Frida 602 in Covington. The play was outstanding, and the food was heavenly, so all in all, not a bad night. Actually, not a bad weekend. Spent a few hours with my sister on Saturday, read a lot, the weather was lovely. Just no workouts, and I ate a bit more than I should have. Tomorrow I meet with the dietitian, and she will give me my new exchanges, which should give me another tool for making better choices. Also, I totally tracked all of those extra bites, which made for an unnerving final diary in MFP, but at least I was accountable.

Today was much better - I stayed on track, and I had an awesome workout. Like felt tired but amazing afterwards. I increased my time on the rower and the treadmill, increased the incline, and increased the weight on my goblet squat. Go me!

I wanted to address something from last week that I never did get to - sometimes I listen to my audiobook, sometimes podcasts, but a really most of my best workouts are to music. But I've been listening to the same basic playlist for years now, and I need help. In the comments, on Facebook, I don't care, please, I need music help! I need a decent tempo, but the songs that get me moving hardest are the angry ones. My favorites today were:

"Sin" and "Hand That Feeds" by Nine Inch Nails
"One Step Closer" by Linkin Park
"Bulls on Parade" and "Killin' in the Name Of" by Rage Against the Machine

Is it possible people avoid the treadmills next to me because I get caught up and punch the air with the beat? Yes, that is very possible. My lifting music is less Rage and more Beastie Boys. But I really need some new music. Please, hit me up with the songs that make you move your ass, get funky, or want to hit things. You see how old those songs are!

I stopped for gas last week north of Dayton and this made me snort Diet Dr. Pepper. 

Did some work today.

Greetings and salutations, friends.
Let's start with the fact that I went to the weight loss doctor. I am disappointed, but not surprised by the weigh in, and because I promised to be honest, here it is:

LW:  276 lb 12.8 oz
CW: 277 lb 9.6 oz
Gain: 0.8 lb

Do I feel good about this? No. But, I do feel good about the visit. First of all, after our discussion, she upped my calorie intake to 1400 cal. She did it because it will still keep me in a pretty significant deficit, and I'm always going over 1000, so why continually set me up for failure. I like it because a.1400 seems like a completely doable, yet healthy number, b.she was proud of all the extra activity, and c. I felt like I won. I didn't even know I was competing. She also told me I don't have to do the nutrition classes if I don't find them helpful (I don't. I feel I could find cauliflower recipes on the internet on my own, if I really want to.) So I will be trying the mindset classes at the end of the month, but in the meantime, I told her I would be discussing my food issues with my own therapist.

I saw my therapist this morning, and I told her I was tired about discussing how I was screwing up my kids, and wanted to address my food issues. She was fully amenable to this, probably because she is sick of my stories about how I'm screwing up my kids. I told her about how I've been consciously making poor food choices over the past two weeks, and as we discussed what was going on when I made the choices, we realized I tend to go for sweets (ice cream) when I am stressed out and feeling overwhelmed, which I have certainly been feeling this past week. Specifically about work. Like yesterday - I had to go to Perrysburg yesterday. First, it's over 3 1/2 hours away. I've already told you how I nosh when I drive. Second, it was not a pleasant meeting. I left feeling messy and sad, and rather incompetent (as a manager.) And I went for Culvers. So we discussed, why would I consciously choose to eat a large, calorie-laden meal, capped off with custard, when I'm trying to make healthier choices, and the answer seems to be that I seek out sweet comfort food when I feel overwhelmed and stressed. It's hella easier to eat a vat of chocolate custard, and enjoy that smooth, sweet, chocolaty loveliness, than to address those issues with my employees, especially when I do not feel confident in my abilities to manage those employees.

We talked about mindfulness when it comes to food (visualizing a stop sign to help me really enter the moment and explore my feelings.) Am I bored, tired, sad, stressed? Am I actually hungry, and if so, could I make a healthier choice, or at least a smaller version of the treat? We discussed building a tool box of activities that might take the place of my boredom/stress eating. It was truly helpful. None of this is particularly new, but actually sitting down and having someone ask the questions...that really helped me process this.

Today was definitely better. Seeing my therapist meant I went to work later, so I went to the gym first, and showered there. Dude, they have really decent showers there! Like the rain showerheads! I love those! I had my soup for lunch, and relatively decent-sized snacks. I am not hungry at all right now, and I will not be eating anymore tonight.

New month means I set some new goals, and we're 3 for 3 so far...
1. Track the food, every day. I've gone back to My Fitness Pal - it's just easier, I feel accomplished when I tap the "Complete Diary" for the day.
2. Meditate, at least 5 minutes, every day.
3. Go to bed with the sink empty and area around it clean.
See, addressing physical health, mental health, and my hot spots, which affects my mental health. And yeah, I know you've all seen the first two goals before - I didn't accomplish those goals, so I have to try again, duh!

Time to get the meditation in. Om...

ch ch ch choices...

Hello, my chickens.
I'd like to say I've been busy, but in all honesty, it's more I've been making poor choices, and I was embarrassed to come on here and write. A lot of justifying stopping at Culvers (just one small chocolate custard, I only crave chocolate once a month, and I deserve it!) or stopping at Taco Bell (I'll get a small order, well, it's cheaper if I get the meal, I haven't had regular Pepsi in so long...), or getting the calorie-heavy entree at Flipdaddy's because it was book club, and I felt like it, etc. And it wouldn't have been so bad if I treated myself once or twice, but treating myself several times a day, every day? Well, that's how I got here in the first place. Ooh, or how about the fact that I planned to go to the gym 4 times last week, and only went twice, even though I packed my freaking bag, and was ready to go? And my friend who has been checking in on me every single day would text me something motivating, and I would text back something jokey or silly instead of really thinking and responding or calling out for help, because, again, I was embarrassed by my choices, and my desire to continue to make bad choices.

And I still want more of that freaking custard.

But I promised I was going to post here, good or bad, because I need it, and I'm not the only person in the world who trips up, or makes bad choices. The embarrassing part for me here is that I am consciously making the bad choices. This is not a case of ignorance or just underestimating - I know what I am doing, and I'm doing it anyway. Because it tastes good and I want it.

Which leads to today's topic, and I had no idea until this moment, because I wanted to talk about music tonight, or maybe the interview with JP Sears on the Fat Burning Man podcast I listened to at the gym tonight, which may make its way in, as it is maybe related? Anyway, let's talk immediate gratification, because along with my deeply ingrained "feast or famine" mindset, seem to be my biggest downfalls. Which would explain why (aside from last week's non gym days), starting a healthy habit is much easier for me than cutting one out. I can work out and add veggies, and I drink more than 100 oz of water a day, easily. But ask me to cut out a dessert, or stop drinking pop, and I desperately want to do it all, right now!

I looked to a few different people who were smarter than me - Nerd Fitness, Tiny Buddha, some guy named Tom - and they have a few different tips:

1. 1. Motivation is fleeting; work on building habits so it is mindless that you do the thing. The longer I make the healthy choices, the easier it becomes to continue to make them.
2. 2. Focus on the Big Why. Why do I want to become healthier, hence make the healthier choices? I want my body to be able to do the things I want to do, for years to come.
3. 3. I am the boss of my own journey, and my goals are flexible. I don't need the custard today, because I can have some again next week, or in a few weeks.

OK, so nothing groundbreaking, right? This was from some pretty limited reading, and I think I'd like to delve a little deeper into the "instant gratification" thing. I see my therapist this Thursday. I think I may actually deviate from my usual sobbing about my shortcomings as a parent, and maybe touch on this a bit. I'll get back to you.

That said, it kiiiiind of relates to the podcast I was listening to at the gym today (I did go, today and yesterday.) I like to listen to health/fitness related podcasts at the gym (and I could really use some suggestions, if you have any), and Fat Burning Man with Abel James has some really great interviews. I don't love everything he says, but the interviews are good. The one I listened to today was with JP Sears, you know, the Ultra-Spiritual guy from Youtube?

They're all satirical and funny, and I enjoy them, so I thought I'd see what he had to say, and he said some great things about not getting stuck thinking your ideology or beliefs are who you are. He used the example of these guys who used to do a Youtube show called "Raw Brahs" or something like that; they were raw vegans, and they had a huge following, and were super successful...until one of them starting suffering really terrible health problems, like, systems shutting down. But they really identified as "raw vegans", it was who they were. Finally, the guy started adding some meat into his diet, and his health totally bounced back. Because sometimes a way of eating works really well, until it doesn't. And he had to deal with the disappointment, and losing followers, but it's alright, you know, because he's alive. The point, of course, is growth, and how we grow as people. Abel responded by talking about how, as adults, three years can go by and we don't even notice, and just live the way we live, but remember ourselves in high school? The huge difference between ourselves as freshmen and as seniors? Some of us were like different people! Part of that is maturing, sure, but it's all growth, and why not continue to grow as people as adults, as well? Pretty deep stuff for a guy who talks about weight lifting and protein, but there you go. And it made me think about how one of my pet peeves in people is when they say something like, "I'm the type of person who..." like self-analysis as conversation. I've certainly been guilty of it, although I desperately try to avoid that phrase. Because while we may be that person right now, we should be growing and changing as people, and not being "the type of person who..." for the rest of our lives, unless it ends in "wants to live a kind and generous life" or something. Plus, it's just kind of an annoying and adolescent phrase.

Phew. That was a lot of words. I'll go scour the internet for some fun images to break up the many words. Because,guys, I'm the type of person who likes to add pictures to make this fun and interesting, and forgets to take them, so borrows them from others.

Day of statistics

Good evening. How was your day? It was pretty freaking gorgeous - I had to walk a few laps around the parking lot to enjoy the weather.

Ok, enough about the weather, let's talk numbers. I see the weight loss doc for my 3 month check in next week, so this week we did weight, measurements, and body comp, as well as discussing my progress, etc. I want to preface these numbers with a few facts: a. my last few weigh ins have been first thing in the morning, and this was at 6PM, b. it was on a different scale at a different office, and c. it wasn't a regular scale, but the body comp scale. Ooh, and I'm about to settle into my shark week. These factors may play a part in my weight this week, or may not, but, yeah.

LW: 275lb
CW: 276.8 lb
Gain: 1.8 lb
Ugh. Almost 2 lbs. Which could have really bummed me out, but we also did measurements and body comp, and she let me take home copies. Understand, they are not huge numbers, but there are some pleasant changes.

In the 3 months I've been working, I've lost 12.8 lbs. Yes, I should be losing more quickly, considering how many calories they want me consuming, but that first month I really struggled. Gods, I was hungry. Yes, I hear my excuses, but that doesn't mean they aren't valid.

In the 3 months I've been working, my BMI has gone down by 2. I realize this is not particularly informative, but my body fat percentage has dropped 1.1%, and my muscle mass has increased by 0.6%. I don't know if this is great, but I like it better than it was.

In the 3 months I've been working, I have lost a total of 11.25 inches, including 3 inches from my waist, and 4.5 from my hips. And I wasn't even sucking it in! I've also lost 1.5 inches from my neck, and my freaking rings keep spinning on my fingers, because THAT'S where I want to lose weight.

I've also increased my activity levels from almost completely sedentary to 5-6 days a week of formal exercise, increased walks around the building on purpose, and getting up more often in general. I've increased my rowing time from less than 4 minutes to 8 minutes, my average speed and time on the treadmill, and I'm strength training 3 days a week. Also, I feel a heck of a lot better. I talked to the nurse about that, after the receptionist made me feel a bit crappy for not following the program very closely - she asked if I felt successful so far, and I told her yes, I am feeling very successful. That I understand I'm not losing as quickly as most of their other patients because I allow myself treats, and I refuse to stick to 1000 calories a day and feel like crap all the time, but I'm 44, and I'm not expecting to come out of this looking great in a bikini. I just want to feel good enough to do what I want to do as I age, and I feel like I am on that path.

Thank you so much for sticking with me here - it really helps to have someone to talk to about all of this. I don't always have a ton to say, and sometimes I have so very much to say, but nothing interesting - I truly appreciate knowing someone out there will read it, and perhaps comment with a "keep going, silly twit! we've got your back!" or "stand up and back away from the snack!" You are fabulous!

Crisp, cool days of fall...?

A very blessed Mabon/Autumn Equinox to you all, my friends! Fall is taking its own sweet time visiting Kentucky, so let's thank Google for this image:

Autumn is my favorite - I adore this season. My Fitbit was showing me just 500 steps short of 10,000, so I went out to walk around my neighborhood, and the stars are bright, and the air is under 90 degrees, and I had to come in and light a pumpkin candle. I need a cabin in the woods of Quebec with a fireplace, and crunching leaves, and my cats and dogs (I don't have dogs, but in my Quebec cabin I will), and my tea and books. I really read too much Louise Penny.

My weekend went by ridiculously quickly. Went to the gym with my sister and then hung out with her on Saturday, babysat a friend's kids on Sunday, and then it was Monday. Seriously, I'm pretty sure it was 3 hours long. It was a pleasant 3 hours, but 3 hours, nonetheless. Oh, I walked a few miles on Sunday, as well, and it was wicked hot, and I don't think I stopped sweating all day. And I took a shower.

Yikes. I really have very little to say today. I'm feeling a bit distracted. The smallest something shiny will grab my attention. I see the weight loss nurse tomorrow, and then the doctor next week. I do not know why I have to see the nurse first, but there we go. I'll have more to chat about tomorrow.

I did go to the gym today. Productivity happened.

We'll chat tomorrow.

Dancing days are here again...

I'm going to start with news that has had me dancing more than usual today.
I have been pretty freaking lucky for a "morbidly obese" chick. I have few health issues related to weight/my poor habits - sore knees, occasional breathlessness, high blood pressure. Also, my cholesterol has been high for about 10 years now, and every time I had a blood test, I would beg my doctor to let me fix it with diet, as I did not want to go on medication. This year, my doctor told me if I continued to test high this year, he was really going to push me - guess who's lipid panels shows her LDLs to be in normal range?!  That's right, this girl's!

Yesterday was a weigh in day. I have made some poor choices this past week, and kind of expected a gain. I've been making some poor choices over the past few weeks. The dietitian asked what had changed that I have been making worse choices. I have not been sleeping very well, and I'm fairly certain that's a part of it, as exhaustion messes with one's hunger cues. I also have not been tracking, and as much as I hate doing it, it does help me keep a handle on my intake, if for no other reason than I'm eating more mindfully, and it wards off a binge. So we agreed that I would track my intake this week. I think I will also make more of an effort to put my phone away at least an hour before I go to bed. Maybe that is what is affecting my ability to relax at night.

Ok, so weigh in:

LW: 276 lb 1.6 oz
CW: 275 lb
Loss: 1 lb 1.6 oz

If I actually do a better job of adhering to the program, I should be able to get under 270 in the next 3 weeks, and that would be awesome. That is my first big mile marker - I haven't been under 270 in, I don't know, 6 years? The last time I was having constant panic attacks and couldn't eat anything - which, while effective, is not a particularly healthy, nor enjoyable, way to lose weight. Honestly, I'd rather be fat.

I read another really great article in Tiny Buddha yesterday (every time I read the title of this blog, I think of the song "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John, except that when I see the title to that song, I sing it to the tune of "Private Dancer" by Tina Turner. Yes, I know the correct tune to both songs, I can't help what my monkey brain does. Anyway, so I start singing, "so he's a tiny Buddha, Buddha for money, doodoodoodoo" because I never remember lyrics, as we all know.)

Wait. What was I talking about? Right, so it was "What I Did When I Felt Lost and Purposeless" by Lizzy Dean, and it hit a chord. Some of you may remember, I spent 10 years at home with the kids, during the height of the "mommy blogger" days, and so many of those blogs talked about finding your bliss, living your passion. I've talked about it here, how hard it is to find that passion, that bliss. Let's face it, it isn't sitting the reception desk at an office, managing staff in two different offices, supporting fundraising events. I have friends who say being a mom is their bliss, their passion, and that's fantastic, but it is not mine. I love my children - they are interesting and smart and weirdly funny, but I have never felt particularly good at it, and I don't really enjoy the responsibility of it. And I will tell you, during that time especially, I felt a lot of pressure to figure out what my purpose in life was. I had a certain amount of freedom - staying home with my kids, with a husband who was able to support us - to "find myself" if you will, and, well, here we are. I failed at that particular task. I feel I know myself pretty freaking well, but I still have never found a true purpose.

I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before, more than once, maybe even recently, but in this article, Dean doesn't only present a way to live a meaningful life without "living your purpose", she gives you guidelines on how to do it!  She suggests looking at people you most admire, determine the values they most exemplify that you feel lacking in your own character, and improve upon those.

Anchor your life in those personal values, rather than in the elusive "purpose", and you will find meaning! (I still think you should read the whole article - it was really good.) Gah! This is something I can sink my teeth into! I feel like I can determine the values that mean the most to me easily, the character traits I hope people will agree I exhibited when they are crowding around at the enormous bash that is my funeral. I have so many people I admire, so many amazing humans in my life, and I just have to narrow it down to a few values. I don't want to improve myself too much, right?

What about you? Have you found your purpose in life? Do you have a passion for anything? Is this idea as freeing to you as it is to me?

He's a tiny dancer, dancin' for money...

Day...uh oh, I'd better start writing something interesting...

...and more consistently, or you guys are going to stop reading altogether, and stop motivating me, and we can't have that happen. I also find I am not making the good food choices as often when I'm not talking about them here. Which, let's face it, you all probably don't find my eating habits all that fascinating, I know I don't, but if I talk about the fact that I am wicked tired today, and so I stopped at a gas station for what was my go-to, I have to keep myself awake, so I'm buying snacks, but I really shouldn't be eating them, so I threw half away, and am giving some of the rest away (I did actually eat/drink some of them, but that's better than all, right?) Also, not buying the snacks is a lot cheaper than buying the snacks, and after paying bills today, I am not feeling so positive. Also, I'm at work right now, which means I am not actually working, I'm writing this - hello, procrastinating what really needs to be done...Ok, so I am not living my best Monday life today. Let's talk about the weekend, and then, I swear, I will get back to work.

It was a decent weekend. I woke up relatively early both days, which was kind of silly, as I could have slept in, but I had a lot of cleaning I wanted to do. Saturday I had a to-do list as long as my arm, and I started in as soon as I woke up to Paco, my favorite little asshole kitty, biting the tops of my feet. Maybe he doesn't understand he actually bites quite hard, and is not trying to irritate me, but I think it is possible he does realize this is not a pleasant way to wake up, and doesn't care. He's an asshole, but he's my asshole. Anyway, I got a bunch done, and then went to the gym with my daughter. I love going to the gym with her - I work much harder with her than when I'm by myself, and she worked me hard. The butt exercises we did have me groaning every time I stand up, and this was 2 days ago. I knocked out all but two of my to-do list items, but I wasn't feeling great when I got home, and decided to take a few minutes to lay down and rest. It really was only a few minutes, and I read a bit. Yesterday I met a friend to walk, which we did, and it was pleasant, as always. Knocked off the rest of the to-do list, except for lawn mowing, which I skipped this weekend - it's been kind of dry, so it's not very long, and our garage door is broken, and really freaking heavy, so I'll mow next week when it's fixed. I was going to write here after dinner, but Finnegan was on my lap, and he was very comfortable, and who am I to make him get up?

I was so sad to see Ric Ocasek passed away yesterday. I loved the Cars growing up, and "Just What I Needed" remains one of my favorite songs.

Marc and I are watching "Barry." We saw an interview with Bill Hader on The Daily Show, and he made it sound interesting, and it is, as well as pretty freaking funny. Not always, but often. The premise - Marine comes back from Afghanistan and becomes a hit man. Becomes disillusioned as hit man, and decides to move to LA to become an actor (because that is where you meet good people, right?) I've never thought of Bill Hader as a "good actor", but he's really good in this, like a decent person trying to do the right thing kind of guy, even if he is a killer. We just finished the first season last night. I'm also still watching a couple of episodes of Schitt's Creek most nights - I really love that show.

Ok, so, plans for the week: it's going to be wicked hot, so I think I'll be going to the gym after work most days. Yay, September. I put up my fall owl on my desk, trying to urge the weather to cool down. It's not listening yet. Anyway, I prepped baked chicken and roasted green beans (more fall food, right?) for most dinners, and I have my morning shake and lunch soup. The dietitian suggested I add riced cauliflower to the chicken soup, so I'll give that a try. I'm low on veggies, so I need to get someone (probably my son) to go to the store to get some to add to things. I just gave my Reeses Pumpkins to one of my staff members. So those are gone.

Nobody will notice if I climb under my desk for a nap, right?

Ok, friends. I need to work. Make good choices, and have a pleasant day.

Day of...oops, gotta charge my Fitbit

Hi, friends!

Almost a week goes by...better not fall back into old bad habits.

It was a lovely weekend - I walked with one friend on Saturday, and another on Sunday. I cleaned, a lot, which did make me feel a little more energetic. And I took Monday off to take my mom to the doctor, which meant I was able to go to the gym Monday morning, and get some other things done. Ooh, and for my sister's birthday, we went to see It 2, which was...ok. Not as good as the first chapter, which I thought they did a great job on. Bill Hader was great, though. My guy and I watched the Daily Show interview with him the night before, and now we are going to watch Barry, because it looks interesting, and every couple needs a show, right?

There was a lot more gross going on in this movie, which actually is pretty on par with the book, but I don't love movies that depend a lot on gross. What I did love, however, was the ongoing joke throughout the book that those of you who read it will get and nobody else will. Even Stephen King was in on it. This elicited a grin from me more than once.

Also, the last time I read the book, I was outside at one point right after a storm, and the next door neighbor kid was looking down a storm drain, and I told him that if someone started talking to him from down there, he should run away, especially if that someone had a balloon. He thought I was crazy, but I thought it was freaking hilarious. This happens in the movie, and I laughed out loud, especially since his older brother was sitting next to me at the movie.

It was awesome.

Oh, yeah, so last night was a weigh in. I was a little worried, as I've been struggling a bit with my choices this last week.

Last week: 276 lb 6.4 oz
This week: 276 lb 1.6 oz
Loss:  4.8 oz

Not awesome, but not a gain, either.
I went to the gym today, my food choices have been pretty decent the past two days. Today's lunch was a potluck, and I did partake, but I did not stuff myself. I plan to walk tomorrow, and make the good choices. I need to remember my Fitbit is charging, as we are in the middle of a steps challenge this week, and how do I count without my Fitbit, right?!

Alright, so that's all I have for tonight - have a spectacular evening!

Day of reckoning

Big things happen on Thursdays, you know.
Today started with a visit to the dietitian, and me admitting all my dietary sins from the weekend. She was a little startled, like, really? You didn't make any healthy choices? And I said, "I ate when I was hungry and stopped when I was full. Do you have any idea how unusual that is? What a serious step forward that is for me?" She was like, "oh, good, I guess." Anyway, with all of that, here is today's weigh in:

Last week: 279 lb 1.6 oz
This week: 276 lb 6.4 oz
Loss: 2 lb 4.8 oz

Yay! Wasn't actually expecting that, although we really did hike a lot.

So, funny story. I've been not taking selfies with this phone for a long time because they always came out really smudgy and blurry, and just bad. It made me sad, as I didn't get pics of myself at Pride, and all the other attempts haven't came out...anyway, I had to remove the case last Thursday so I could use the square reader for our Strides kickoff, and I started playing with the case...yeah, you guessed it, there was a film on the inside of the case that I didn't see, and hadn't removed. Silly me. Made me feel a bit like a Luddite, which I am not, but there we go. Here is a selfie I took of myself yesterday at the Blue Ash "Nature Center" during my walk:

Look at me, all clear and not blurry!

After the dietitian, I went to see my therapist (yeah, I need a lot of help, whatever.) I always feel slightly guilty seeing a therapist, as I have a lot of friends I feel comfortable being completely open with, and then I go and pay someone to listen to the same stories. I haven't seen her since June, and now I will only be seeing her once a month, but she tends to pull different things out of the stories than my friends do, and make me think about things differently. So, apparently I am benefitting from these visits, and with my deductible being paid up, they are cheap. So maybe I can stop judging myself.

Went to the gym after work today, cardio and then worked the legs and shoulders. I am a beast! Except that the new athletic shoes my guy picked out for me (he is a master and finding good shoes cheap) gave me a freaking blister on my ankle! This is very irritating, and I am annoyed and feeling whiny. But I will live.

There is a tiny bug that keeps flying in front of my monitor and distracting me. Shoo, tiny bug!

I feel like there was something else I wanted to discuss, but I can't remember, so I'm going to go to bed. Night!

Day...something...I really should count all these days and get back to the numbers...

But they really don't make particularly interesting titles, do they?

You know, Pepsi is a seriously slippery slope for me. This past weekend, when I threw all dietary caution to the wind, I ordered a coke with one of my dinners. Which led to a Pepsi, and then another coke...you get it. And tonight, when I picked up gyros from Greek to Me, which is amazing, by the way (I get the chicken gyro, and it's actually relatively healthy, without the fries, obvs, which I did eat) I got a Pepsi, which was silly, because I know I'm on this slippy, dippy slope. It's like a drug for me. Not to minimize addiction, friends, I do realize it's not really like heroin, but I do tend to drink a lot of it when I drink it. Anyway, I drank half, and then gave the rest to my son, and I feel slightly better about myself. Ok, so eating, not awesome - did my shake/soup/healthy snack, but then ate the fries, all the fries, and some pepsi. Not awesome, could be worse. I need to plan again - that really helps. I also walked 30 minutes at the "Blue Ash Nature Center" (yes, a little belittling, but it's like, an acre, and part of the path is just one treeline away from a major road, which makes it feel slightly less than natural.) Ok, the trees are pretty. Anyway, felt like being outside after work, so that was my workout. Tomorrow morning I see the dietitian. We'll see the damage then.

Have you seen "Booksmart?" We watched it Monday night, and it was freaking delightful. Yes, your basic "have a last blowout of fun before graduation" type of movie, but from a smart female perspective. And yeah, wanting to have sex was also involved, but again, not your basic "nerdy guy/hot girl" fantasy. It was really clever and funny and the two main characters were charming and funny and bright. And Billie Lourd was hilarious. Bravo, Olivia Wilde, this was great!

I will watch it again, if any of you want to watch it with me - excellent girl's night movie!

A lovely weekend away, and I'm getting back on track

My youngest kid is going to be 17 soon, and my husband and I last took a vacation away, by ourselves, 8 months before she was born. We went to Steamboat Springs, CO, in February, where I learned, among other things, that mountains, beautiful as they are, apparently trigger a claustrophobic reaction as a symptom of my "morning sickness" all day long. I spent many hours feeling alternately nauseous and panicky, as I admired the beauty, and enjoyed the company of a couple I did not know well at all (he worked with the guy) and their dog, who I adored. I should mention, I did not know I was pregnant at the time, so this all took me a bit by surprise.

Anyway, my guy decided it was time for another trip, and he booked us a long weekend at an inn in Nashville, IN. I was underwhelmed when he first told me - no offense, Indianonians, but your state is not a favorite of mine. Let's face it, it's called the "crossroads of America" for a reason - you're not actually supposed to stop there. At least not longer than it takes to pee and get gas. And the vice president gives me the willies. But apparently this place was nice, so off we went on Friday for a few days of hiking, romance, and apparently, quirky shopping.

It was lovely. Absolutely delightful. The shopping was ok - a lot of hunting for treasures among touristy-trap shops, but the food was delicious, the nature was natural, and the inn was...quiet. So blessedly quiet. Remember, we spend most of our summer weekends staying in hotels with hundreds of other sports families, whose kids run around until 2am while their parents drink heavily (not judging, parents, but your kids make me crazy.) That did not happen here - it was only for 21 and up, and apparently not many people were there. There was even a hot tub, IN THE ROOM! It was not skanky, so get your minds out of the gutter. I will say, I think we have discovered we are not really "hot tub people", since we'd be in 5 minutes before I was climbing out complaining that I was too hot, but it was a novelty. Here, see some pictures!

Canopy at Yellowwood State Forest

Little orange flower. 

Bigger, purpler flowers - I think at Brown County State Park

AWW - the little tree is snuggling the big tree!

A little turtle

Our relationship, in one picture - Mr. Cranky Paws and his delightful wife.

Dieting did not happen. No, I didn't even pretend to keep to any program. We hiked a lot, but the food was good, and we ate plenty of it. My husband got to eat breaded tenderloin at 3 different places! I, of course, abhor the stuff, but there was plenty of deliciousness for everyone.

So, back on track today. Drank my nasty ass shake mixed with coffee for breakfast, my tortilla soup for lunch, and I did have pizza for dinner, but I kept the portion small. Healthy snacks, and I went to the gym and worked out. Tomorrow will be much the same, with chicken stir fry for dinner, and likely a walk for the workout. I'm still having trouble getting up early; it's something I'm going to have to work on, but having a teenage daughter makes it tough to get to sleep early enough.

Anyway, have a good night, and we'll chat tomorrow.

Days 23 and 24, oh my goodness, friends

Let me clarify, I did not eat cheeseburgers today. I did have pizza for lunch, and it was freaking delicious. This meme is more in response to yesterday, where my team and I had to drive up to Columbus for a day long meeting. In theory, this is not a problem; in fact I appreciate leadership getting everyone together. However, I felt the training was run by people who really did not know the material well enough to teach it. A good portion of the information in the morning really had little to do with the coordinators, and anytime we shared input, we felt blown off (we're kind of the ground floor positions.) And then we go back to hundreds of emails and have to catch up on the work we missed. And so does everyone else, my point here is just that it was stressful. On top of that, I had no time to work out yesterday, at all. I didn't get home until 8pm. And the night before, my girl got sick, and there was cleaning and grossness to deal with...so I'm driving over the river, and I have been thinking about Whoppers for the past two weeks after listening to The Talisman by Stephen King on audio, and they talked about eating Whoppers, and I was so hungry, and I stopped for a Whopper. And damn, I forgot how much I liked Whoppers. Yeah, it was good. I did not feel great, though. In fact, I felt downright ick. Fast food does not, apparently, agree with me. I knew I had issues with McDonald's, but there goes the Whopper.

It was tasty.

Anyway, I went into work today, and everyone was feeling kind of...blah. I was dead tired, and still feeling a bit ick. The others were tired and feeling kind of raw, and I felt like we needed to do something about it, so I got pizza for lunch, and made everyone take lunch together, and it was nice. And I took a couple of walks around the building, because the weather was insanely gorgeous. My friend and I were supposed to go to yoga together, but traffic was bad, and I didn't plan well enough, so neither of us were able to meet at the studio. I went to the gym instead, and I worked really hard (although I was a little discombobulated, since I hadn't planned my strength workout for the day,) and I definitely felt better after that. I made one of my soups for dinner to make up for the pizza, and I'm feeling pretty good now, although I really do need to clean. Tomorrow night I have to work until 8? something like that, so I'll have to try and get a workout in tomorrow morning, or maybe at lunch? I'll reapply deodorant, I promise. And then, glorious Friday...I'm off work...lalalala! I'll take pictures and post them here, I promise.

Reason for working late tomorrow - Making Strides Against Breast Cancer is coming up in October. We have walks all over the country, but the Cincinnati event is on Saturday, October 26 at Yeatman's Cove, and we are having our kick-off event tomorrow evening at Fueled Collective on Edwards Rd. If you have any interest in helping raise money for breast cancer research, please come out, or, if you have any questions, please let me know.

I'm going to drink tea and watch Schitt's Creek now, because that sounds delightful. Have a good night.

Days 19-22

This may be the way it goes - not blogging on the weekends and catching up on the weekdays. Why? Because I am a busy girl, people. Friday I did a yoga class (a lovely, relaxing, yin yoga class), and then spent the evening hanging out with my guy, Sunday night I went to a book club where I discussed the very excellent book Where the Crawdads Sing with some lovely friends, and, well...Saturday night I watched "Schitt's Creek" because it was good, and enjoyable, but my sitting on my butt watching tv was probably not something to write about.

It was a lovely weekend, though. The weather was insanely beautiful - low 80's, sunny, gorgeous. I mowed and gardened and walked on Saturday, and Sunday morning I met a friend to walk, and then went to the gym to lift, and came home to do some more gardening. We are impatiently awaiting our green tomatoes to ripen - we've had a few, but something seems to eat the bottoms off them, which is a bit irritating. Probably the unbelievably fat rabbit that is waddling across my yard most evenings. I believe he has also eaten most of our jalapenos and serranos this year. Spicy little bugger.

Today I got three out of my five reviews done at work, so, go me! I got off early to take my daughter to an appointment, and then ran all the errands - went to the gym, where I worked my chest and butt/hips, picked up Finny's insulin, Girl's contacts, and a rental car - tomorrow I have to drive a bunch of coworkers up to Dublin for a staff meeting, which, admittedly, I am not looking forward to, but we do what we have to do. Then onto friend's house for weigh in - 3 lbs down from last week (I'm not tracking these weigh-ins here, as it is a different scale than the one at the doctor's office, and the doctor's scale has it out for me, but I'm using that one to track.) Then home, where I ate chicken and veggies, and a few pieces of little naan with artichoke/jalapeno dip, but I'm still kind of hungry, so I believe tea is in order. Did I tell you all about the very cool gift I received a few weeks ago - a tea sampler gift set from Pukka:

Not quite as cool as the 10 tiny Jeff Goldblum buttons someone made me, but still lovely.

I'll have to wake up early and walk tomorrow morning, since I'm not entirely sure what time I'll be home. In the meantime, I should probably get my laundry folded. Which is a little silly, since it's just fine hanging out in the basket, but it would probably be a little more convenient I didn't have to run around the house naked in the morning, looking for clean underwear. Of course, nobody else wakes up that early, so it's not that big a deal...

Big question for the day - what is the best book you've read this summer?

Day 18

Another happy Friday eve. It took me 2 hours to get to work this morning. Why? Because it was raining. Raining! 75 N was closed because of an accident an hour before, and all traffic was being routed up 71, which was running pretty freaking slow, and let's not even talk about what I was stuck in before I hit the river....breathing, breathing...I ate a bagel. Yeah. See Cincinnati! Your stupid infrastructure made me eat a bagel!

So yes, emotional eating happened today, although it could have been worse. I had my shake this morning, but did not feel the love from my afternoon shake, so I ate 9 olives, 2 Tbsp of peanut butter, a plum, and a bag of skinny pop. I'll bring my soup tomorrow - I really did not feel very satiated from that. I left early, thankfully, to see the dietitian, and today was weigh-in day...

Starting weight: 289 lb 9.6 oz

Last week:  282 lb 6.4 oz

Current weight: 279 lb 1.6 oz

Loss: 3 lb 4.8 oz

I was in a better mood after that. Especially since I've been working pretty hard. Also, I'm pretty psyched to have passed up that first decade, you know?

I left the dietitian and went to the gym. Did my cardio and then back and biceps. I need to start planning the specific exercises ahead of time, though, I spent a little more time than I should have looking up exercises on my phone. For instance, I was supposed to do bicep curls using the cable machine, but I had no idea which attachment to use for to work my biceps. The first bit I chose did not work - I looked like a nutjob. Anyway, did my plank for another challenge, and then finished with 3 sets of 30 second battleropes. Because we should always finish our workout feeling like a warrior. I took a selfie at the gym, but I really don't like it:

That's a lot of upper arm I'm showing there. I do, however love this tshirt.

I'd like to chill for the rest of the evening, so here is a ferret picture:

In this picture, Nessa is eating a ferret treat, and Paco is jealous because she won't share. They are very funny together - she beats the everliving crap out of him, and he comes back for more. He did end up stealing the last bite, so Nessa lost that one.

Tomorrow is my rest day - I'm meeting my friend for an evening yoga class. I look forward to it, but I'll try to walk a few laps around the building during the day. Here's to a logical commute time, and a pleasant Friday to you all.

Day 17, and I will be hurtin' tomorrow

I met with the personal trainer at Planet Fitness this afternoon. Almost missed it - truck overturned on 71 south, and 75 was backed up so badly, it took me 1 1/2 hours to get home, but he was nice and met with me anyway. I went in with solid goals, a basic knowledge of what exercises work what, and specific likes and dislikes (I will do pretty much anything with free weights, dumbbells, bands, etc, but I hate the machines.) I told him I will work hard, but without a structured plan, I tend to wander, so tell me what to do and I'll do it. That's why I love classes so much. He told me he loves to work with people like me, and helped me come up with a structured-ish plan (that's what I get with a Planet Fitness trainer.) I don't love the fact that since I said weight loss is a goal, he stuck me with the lighter weights/more reps thing, since I do want to get stronger, but I'm supposed to meet up with him again in 3 weeks so we can revisit the plan. Also, he's a big plan of battleropes, which I love, and he told me to finish every workout with 3 sets of 30 seconds with battleropes. Fun!

Food started out very well, and then I was desperately craving chocolate, which was a little odd. I also happened to stop by Trader Joe's, and in a moment of weakness, I picked up some dark chocolate covered marshmallows. I definitely ate more than a serving of them in the car, but I didn't crave them at all after that, and I will be leaving them at home, as I don't tend to crave chocolate at night, and perhaps my husband will eat them. For dinner, I cooked up a bunch of non-starchy veggies with onion, garlic, soy sauce, and sriracha, and added the chicken I cooked in the crockpot. I made enough for the next three days, it was really good, and totally fit my exchanges, so I'm feeling pretty good about that.

Today's Tiny Buddha post was about how words matter, which is something a lot of people could learn from for sure, but since we're talking health here, it was interesting how many of the author's tips for how changing your word choice can change your life align with all those programs and courses I was talking about the other day. For instance, "Swapping 'I'll try' for 'I can, and I will.'" Understanding, of course, that Yoda said it first, it definitely makes a difference in my mindset early on when I say "I will go to the gym this afternoon" instead of "I'll try and make it." First, I am prepared - gym bag packed, people at home aware I won't be home. Second, I have made the plans, so I go. Also, saying "I get to" instead of "I have to" - major attitude shift. My body is able to exercise. I am able to afford the medical program and the nasty ass shakes. And finally, and my favorite, "ask better questions." When you are trying to figure out how to change your life, asking the right questions is imperative. I feel this is something I need to figure out as I try to determine what I love to do, and how I want to spend my time as I get older. I've mentioned in the past that "living my passion" has always been complicated for me, as I could not figure out what my passion is. I suppose I need to ask better questions. I think it must be a skill to ask good questions, and it is one I need to develop. The author finished that paragraph by quoting Tony Robbins, who I have never in my life quoted, but this was a good one: "Quality questions create a quality life. Successful people ask better questions, and as a result, they get better answers."

Deep stuff, Tony. Deep stuff.

Day 16 - and I shook my moneymaker

My plan was to go to the gym after work today, so I packed my bag, but one of my coworkers told me about a place she goes to do Zumba, and that the first three classes are free, and I saw they had a class at 5:30...I haven't done Zumba in ages. It was good fun, although a major storm came through right before, and they had no power! But the speaker had a battery, and there was some light coming through the windows, so we Zumba'd in the dark. Which worked well, since I haven't gone in a long time, and I didn't know any of their routines, so I was definitely not at my Zumba best. Having no power also meant no A/C, so I worked up a respectable sweat, and I was not alone.

I prepped chicken in the crockpot this morning, so I had food for dinner - cut up some cucumber and tomato from my garden, nuked some little yellow potatoes, it was tasty. Snacks today were restricted to a nectarine, 2 cups of Skinny Pop, and 1/2 cup of blueberries, so I am definitely on point with the calories - and I tracked it all, so go me! I also updated all my Nerd Fitness Epic Quests (another challenge :) and I added 2 minutes of meditation daily. I really feel I need to get back to this - my brain has been pretty scatty, like a squirrel on meth, and it's not pretty when I'm trying to accomplish something. You would think the daily exercise would help, and it does, to a point, but I just feel like I need to find my center again. And I'm starting with 2 minutes, such a small part of my day to hopefully build another healthy habit.

Maybe it will help me find my little hoop I wear in my top hole that I stuck in my gym bag last week and cannot find, for crap's sake, and it is very irritating!

Breathing. See? I need meditation. Today I found myself commenting snarkily on someone's conservative comment on someone else's Facebook feed. I tend to abstain from snarky political comments, as I really do not care to engage on social media when I can't trust myself to know enough to argue intelligently, but I did it! See, meditation will help me to think before I type!

I enjoy guided meditations very much. My brother gave me a series of lectures and meditations called "The Science of Mindfulness" by Dr. Ron Siegel, and he is really pretty brilliant.

That's him. Isn't he adorable?

These two minutes will be a basic seated meditation, focus on the breath, feel the body, allow myself to acknowledge thoughts and let them go...I'll move on from there.

Another thing that will help my brain? Sleep. Have a restful night, and a pleasant morrow.

Day 15

I had Raising Canes for dinner. Fast food twice in one week. Not exactly on plan, is it? I was craving it, and I was not in the mood to cook, and it tasted damn good. I did not take the time to meal prep yesterday (in fact, I did not take the time to do much yesterday. I sat around and played WordScapes and did some yoga and that was about it.) Today I woke up to walk, and I drank my shake for breakfast, had the tortilla soup for lunch with a couple of spoons of salsa, a few snacky things...I got home and my son went and got me my chicken fingers, and then I did some laundry and cleaning, so some stuff got done. Tomorrow morning I plan to put some chicken in the crockpot for the day so I'll have protein for dinner when I get home. Yup, that's the plan. I also plan to hit the gym after work, so I won't much feel like cooking after.

Woooo, reading that paragraph is like riding the scrambler; it is kind of all over the place. My brain is feeling a bit random and goofy this evening. Also, I'm eating blueberries. See? What does that have to do with anything?

Got my first review out of the way today. So I got that goin for me. Which is nice...

I'm a bit of a sucker for challenges and online courses and groups. Especially if they have anything to do with health and wellness, physical and/or mental. Not to say they aren't worth it if finished, but I am severely challenged at finishing anything. I purchased the Organize Yourself Skinny e-course, which is a great course, and I love the woman who writes that blog, but then, less than a year later, Nerd Fitness had a major sale on their Academy/Yoga bundle, so I purchased that. I have actually gotten a lot out of that, if only because I love the Academy Facebook page - I talk to a lot of the women there. I have joined a friend's challenge multiple times. I have yet to finish it, but for some reason, every time I've joined, something horrible has happened within my family. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers this week, as I joined again today. I like these, as I actually know these people in real life. I've done more than one dietbet, and I was this close to joining the Fit Girl's Guide Instagram challenge last week, until I realized, with it being an Insta challenge, I would probably be 20 years older than the average participant, and I was not willing to be that person this time. And of course, there is this St. E thing I'm doing, and will succeed at, if I abstain from the fast food from now on, amirite?

My goals for this week from my Nerd Fitness accountability group (have I mentioned I'm a joiner?):

1. Continue with the 2 shakes/soup a day + add take vitamins every day (as recommended by doctor)
2. Continue to move each day, and add 2 days strength training this week (I meet with the personal trainer on Wednesday evening to set up a program
3. Track every bite - I've been a bit remiss lately, especially with that late night cheeseburger Satruday night...I have to track my exchanges, and I haven't been doing it.

Also - do my daily butts and gutts move for that challenge, and drink glug glug half my body weight in water every day for my friend's challenge. Admittedly I get very close to that, but I am going to be peeing...

My Pukka Three Chamomile tea is cool enough to drink now, and I feel like laughing, so I'm going to watch an episode of Brooklyn Nine Nine while I await my daughter's return from her boyfriend's house. You all have a pleasant night.

Days 12, 13, 14

Hello.

The weekend is about over, which is sad, except that it was a nutty, kind of stressful weekend. But let's focus on the health stuff -
Friday I overslept, and I did not work out, and then I was going to classics book club straight after, so there was no time for a workout then, either. I did drink my shakes, walked a lap or two around the building and parking lot every hour, so all went swimmingly, until I got to book club, where I proceeded to ingest 3/4 of a jar of queso with chips. It tasted outstanding, but holy indigestion, I felt like hell.

Saturday I had a wedding to attend in Columbus. I walked in the morning, and it felt like a freaking rainforest, it was so hot and muggy. I drank a shake before I left, and did not really overindulge on wedding food, but I was hungry on my way home, like stomach growling, I want a Big Mac hungry. I did not get a Big Mac, but we did stop at McDonalds and I got food, but I did not eat all of it. Today I did ok food-wise, and I did a yoga workout, which felt good.

All in all, it was not a great weekend, food-wise or brain-wise, I'm not going to let it derail me. This week I meet with a personal trainer at the gym, and I have a meeting with the dietitian.

I also have reviews every day this week. Have I mentioned how much I hate doing these? There are a lot of parts of management I enjoy - I love the feeling of hiring a great new team member, I like my staff to feel I am on their side, and I will always go to bat for them, hopefully helping them find their way in the organization - I'm definitely a nurturer, all the way. I hate reviews. I don't excel at disciplining my own children, let alone women (or men) my own age. And they are so restrictive, and I hate corporate language. I've probably gone far enough to explain my hatred for this process, and worst of all, these are only the mid-year reviews. It's much worse for end of year.

In other words, I'm not exactly going into the week with a great attitude. But I will do my damndest to control what I can, and to get these reviews over with as painlessly as possible, right?

Day 11

Good evening, lovelies. It's probably going to be another short one today, as I am super sleepy. Today was another productive day - packed my snacks, and didn't even eat all of them. Drank my shakes, and came home to dinner already made, and while I ate what they made, I kept my portions in check. Exercise-wise, today was a gym day. Started on the rower, then on the treadmill, then I was going to do some strength exercises. They were starting the PF360 class when I went in there, and a friend of mine was doing it, and she convinced me to join in - it was fun! Plus, I am so much more likely to challenge myself when I'm doing a class.

Another lovely plus to today's workout was mental. We all know I deal with depression and anxiety, and exercise definitely helps with those lovely friends. But today was a little rough. I have some unnerving things to deal with right now, and going to the gym took my mind off all of it. Like, I didn't really think about anything but moving my body and feeling healthy and strong. Such a great side effect.

This weekend will be busy - tomorrow night I get to spend time with book club friends, I have a family wedding to attend on Saturday, and all my house crap and food prep will have to be done on Sunday. I plan to stay on track with my shakes for Friday and Saturday, and skip the alcohol, but relax a bit for the evenings. I will walk tomorrow morning, and probably go to the gym Saturday, yoga on Sunday. Ooh, and the lawn needs mown...

Here, have a picture of me, all enjoying those mighty morphin endorphins...

My selfie game needs some work, and there is something wrong with the front lens on my camera, so I tend to only do mirror pictures. Something to work on.

Sleep pretty, friends.