Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Anyone could understand me freaking out about this...

Last week was the week from hell. Did you ever see that Star Trek: Voyager episode, The Year Of Hell? Maybe none of you are Star Trek fans, too bad for you, you're missing some pretty wicked stories, but anyway, a guy loses his wife and kids and starts messing with the space-time continuum, in the process causing some pretty massive destruction to the galaxy and Voyager...have I lost you yet?
I digress. Saturday my washing machine broke down. Bummer, it's the middle of a pretty major sports season (baseball, baseball, track, soccer) but oh well. Sunday I make an appt for the Sears guy to come look at the washer and the Boy starts complaining about headaches. I give him Tylenol and send him to bed. Monday I do laundry at the laundromat (do you know it costs $4 a load now? Yikes!), the Boy is home from school, and I take the Girl to the doctor for these crazy bumps all over her face (doc says is impetigo, prescribes ointment, and says Girl must stay home next day.) Tuesday Boy goes to school, Girl stays home with friend because I had to work, pick Boy up and he says he has both headaches and dizziness now. Wednesday I take Boy to doctor, doctor says he needs a CT scan. I spend next 5 hours on the computer and phone, trying to find out what it will cost us to get a CT Scan, and where it will be most affordable. Washer guy comes, looks at washer, tells me it will be $260 to fix washer (for labor!) and leaves. Toilet gets clogged. Diabetic cat goes into insulin crash...seriously, this all happened in one day. I got the maple syrup, got cat out of crash, started shaking like a come the panic attacks. Thursday, Boy is home again, take cat to the vet, $268 later find out she may not be diabetic anymore (WTF?) Still having anxiety attacks, and still looking for a new therapist. Friday morning we decide to take Boy for CT Scan. Sit for 3 hours waiting to get scan, then 5 more hours waiting to find out results. No masses, thankfully, possible anomalous reading of front part of brain, but probably nothing. He is still getting headaches, but not quite as bad, and the dizziness has subsided. I closed up the house to limit the allergens, and I'm keeping an eye on him. He's a young teen with bad allergies, it is more than likely related to one of those facts. But the scared mama still worries...
It seems obvious that I am going to have to learn to work through stress better. Anxiety attacks every time I have a little more stress than usual is not going to work. I have been so spoiled by my medication keeping me symptom free for years at a time...Ugh.
Here is a little something to amuse you:

Yes, you count FIVE cats. That is not even counting my possibly not diabetic cat, Bug, who is restricted to our room to monitor her diet. Here's another fun pic:

That is Gus on the left and Finnegan on the right, boxing. They do this constantly. Or they stalk each other and pounce, but they are not particularly good at it, as neither of them are particularly stealthy. So the cats are having a good time.

Anyway, gotta feed the Girl and go pick up my laundry from my friend's house, where I was washing it earlier. Yeah, the washer won't be fixed until Friday.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

The Search Is On.

A full month since my last post. Which is sad for a chatty girl like me - most of the time I just can't shut up.
The last time I posted, I was talking about the fact that my panic attacks were rearing their ugly heads, and that I was looking for a mental health practitioner of sorts to talk to - something I should have done a long time ago. I started seeing a guy in my area (I actually tried to make an appointment with his wife, but he runs the practice, and he thought he could help me better.) We had 4 sessions, but I did not feel comfortable with him. In fact, I kind of thought he was a jerk. I liked that he wanted me to meditate, but he answered his cell phone in the middle of a guided meditation and laughed about it, he was never on time, and he told me that my use of medication was no different that an alcoholic who needs a fix. Don't get me wrong-I am totally open to the idea of going off medication at one point, but one of the problems we were discussing was my lack of self-esteem. Does telling me I'm no better than any other addict really do anything to help me with that? Anyway, I am trying to make an appointment with another person, but we are having trouble connecting. I'm going to give it another week - if we never get a chance to talk, I'll start the search again.
I'm actually kind of glad this whole thing happened. When I asked people about finding a therapist, so many told me I might need to see several before I found one I liked. This, of course, just fueled my lack of confidence - how did I know? The first 2 sessions I spent looking at the guy and wondering if he was right. I'm glad he made some pretty obvious mistakes - because I didn't trust my own judgment.
Which leads me to the brunt of my issues lately. I am having some major problems making decisions lately. The Girl was coughing last week, and I questioned myself over and over, wondering if I should take her to the doctor again. What if she got bad again and ended up with pneumonia? But our insurance is not great, and the deductible is high, and if she just has a cold...I have no confidence in my own judgment - especially regarding parenting issues. This kind of distrust causes complete paralysis - I don't make decisions, because, what if I make the wrong one? The Girl is fine - her allergies are acting up, and she is very stuffy, causing her to cough from the drainage, but this is affecting so many of my decisions - small and large. Especially if the decision may cause money to be spent.
I wonder if my lack of confidence stems from my employment status right now. I'm subbing for the school district, and I'm doing it pretty part-time, not bringing in much money. You would think these confidence issues would cause me to not spend money at all, but that isn't the case. It just makes me anxious about any kind of car upkeep, medical costs, etc.

Ugh. I'm a freaking nut.

I'm going to get some pictures uploaded, and I'm going to post some good "what's up in our lives" type posts, probably tomorrow. I have realized in the last few months, however, that my mental illness is a major part of who I am, and as such, should be a part of my occasional posts. I am a woman, I am a mom, I am a fabulous goddess-type (grin), and I am a woman living with depression and anxiety - and there are a lot of you out there. I hope that, while my own posts can sometimes be rather self-centered and whiny, it reminds those of you dealing with these issues that you are not alone, and maybe something I do may help one of you, as well.

Blessings, and stay shiny my friends.