Did some work today.

Greetings and salutations, friends.
Let's start with the fact that I went to the weight loss doctor. I am disappointed, but not surprised by the weigh in, and because I promised to be honest, here it is:

LW:  276 lb 12.8 oz
CW: 277 lb 9.6 oz
Gain: 0.8 lb

Do I feel good about this? No. But, I do feel good about the visit. First of all, after our discussion, she upped my calorie intake to 1400 cal. She did it because it will still keep me in a pretty significant deficit, and I'm always going over 1000, so why continually set me up for failure. I like it because a.1400 seems like a completely doable, yet healthy number, b.she was proud of all the extra activity, and c. I felt like I won. I didn't even know I was competing. She also told me I don't have to do the nutrition classes if I don't find them helpful (I don't. I feel I could find cauliflower recipes on the internet on my own, if I really want to.) So I will be trying the mindset classes at the end of the month, but in the meantime, I told her I would be discussing my food issues with my own therapist.

I saw my therapist this morning, and I told her I was tired about discussing how I was screwing up my kids, and wanted to address my food issues. She was fully amenable to this, probably because she is sick of my stories about how I'm screwing up my kids. I told her about how I've been consciously making poor food choices over the past two weeks, and as we discussed what was going on when I made the choices, we realized I tend to go for sweets (ice cream) when I am stressed out and feeling overwhelmed, which I have certainly been feeling this past week. Specifically about work. Like yesterday - I had to go to Perrysburg yesterday. First, it's over 3 1/2 hours away. I've already told you how I nosh when I drive. Second, it was not a pleasant meeting. I left feeling messy and sad, and rather incompetent (as a manager.) And I went for Culvers. So we discussed, why would I consciously choose to eat a large, calorie-laden meal, capped off with custard, when I'm trying to make healthier choices, and the answer seems to be that I seek out sweet comfort food when I feel overwhelmed and stressed. It's hella easier to eat a vat of chocolate custard, and enjoy that smooth, sweet, chocolaty loveliness, than to address those issues with my employees, especially when I do not feel confident in my abilities to manage those employees.

We talked about mindfulness when it comes to food (visualizing a stop sign to help me really enter the moment and explore my feelings.) Am I bored, tired, sad, stressed? Am I actually hungry, and if so, could I make a healthier choice, or at least a smaller version of the treat? We discussed building a tool box of activities that might take the place of my boredom/stress eating. It was truly helpful. None of this is particularly new, but actually sitting down and having someone ask the questions...that really helped me process this.

Today was definitely better. Seeing my therapist meant I went to work later, so I went to the gym first, and showered there. Dude, they have really decent showers there! Like the rain showerheads! I love those! I had my soup for lunch, and relatively decent-sized snacks. I am not hungry at all right now, and I will not be eating anymore tonight.

New month means I set some new goals, and we're 3 for 3 so far...
1. Track the food, every day. I've gone back to My Fitness Pal - it's just easier, I feel accomplished when I tap the "Complete Diary" for the day.
2. Meditate, at least 5 minutes, every day.
3. Go to bed with the sink empty and area around it clean.
See, addressing physical health, mental health, and my hot spots, which affects my mental health. And yeah, I know you've all seen the first two goals before - I didn't accomplish those goals, so I have to try again, duh!

Time to get the meditation in. Om...