I have a pretty sweet little life, with a lot of very good in it. I've been kickboxing lately, which has helped my mood more than you can know. I have a lot of people who seem to care about me, and how lucky am I in that? I have a job I don't hate, animals seem to like me, and I laugh easily, which is a benefit in today's world.
But today's post is not about the happy. It's about letting go of the suck.
I thought I was celebrating a Yule tradition - building a fire, writing down the things that have been hurting this year, and burning them in the fire. I was wrong - that is a New Year's tradition, but I did it today, so I'm writing about it today.
The past two years have been tough, though, and I felt a need to recognize today as more than just another day. As I left my office today, I noticed how dark it felt (and bizarrely warm,) and I needed some sort of ritual to mark my intentions for the coming year. (Even as I type this, I am realizing how obvious it is that this is a New Year's ritual, but it's done. And it's fitting, sort of - the dark of the longest night cleansing us of the past year's garbage, the return of the sun marking the return of happiness and goodness. Stop nagging me, I can do it again on New Year's!)
Okay, anyway. A lot of my 2017 suck has involved the state of the union, and my worries about the future. A lot more of my 2017 suck has involved my own insecurities. Insecurity feeds my depression, and adds up to a whole lot of suck. So I wrote all the worst of it down. (I should note that my son was sitting at the table with me as I was writing, giving me notes on what I could do to change a lot of it. None of his suggestions were useful, but he was asking me if I really felt it was healthy to focus so heavily on the negative in life. I told him yes, be quiet, Mommy's thinking. He remained unconvinced. But obviously this is working, see how much better my mood is?)
I burned that shit to the ground, and as I burned the suck, I meditated on letting go of insecurity and despair and fog...and welcoming peace and good. And sending it out into the world. It's the first time in a long time I've actively cultivated a loving-kindness meditation of any sort, and it made me feel so much better.
Or maybe that's just the kickboxing.
|Say hello to my little Julbocken.|
Blessed Yule to you all!