Movies and mayhem

My peonies are blooming! 

 

 

My peonies always remind my of my grandmother.  She grew peonies all through my childhood.  Spring brought peonies and forsythia, which I had growing in my side yard, but killed by mower.  It was an accident, I swear.

 

Last night I went to see The Great Gatsby.  The movie was visually arresting, as all Baz films are.  It stayed (mostly) true to the book.  Leonardo was brilliant, which pleased me, as I'm not a huge fan.  Toby was not brilliant.  Anyway, there was a lot of music, a lot of modern music, again, as all Baz films include.  But one piece of music played throughout parts of the movie, and something tugged at my nerve endings, reminding me that I knew this music.  I finally realized, just before the end (when they played the song in its entirety, that it was a favorite Gotye song - Heart's A Mess:

 

To sum up, the movie was better than I expected.  Next up, Star Trek Into Darkness.  Very excited!

 

Is it spring fever? Or am I just nuts?

 So much craziness.  In more ways than one.  Or 100, really.  Spring is always a rather nutty time around here, both kids have always played baseball, and the Girl started softball this year.  The Boy has been having track practices since February, and baseball practices started last month. 

The Girl's first fast pitch softball team - the Navy Storm.  She's learning to pitch.  She's pretty freaking awesome.

I've been doing therapy weekly...and needing it.  There is so much to process, so many pits of emotion I'm discovering that I wasn't expecting as I do this...and I'm not sure exactly how to write about it yet.  Which is likely why I haven't blogged in so long.  No full-fledged panic attacks in awhile, but the depression has been pretty constant, as well as a general feeling of unease.  My mornings are shaky.  It's hard to do the actual psychological "work" when you're in the moment, though.  I was talking to my therapist the other day and equated it to childbirth - you may do the classes, but when you're in the moment, do you really remember what the stages in the birth canal are?  Maybe you all do, but admittedly, I had forgotten.  Same idea here - when you're having an anxiety attack, it's hard to remember to pay attention to what your thought processes are...other than "this sucks, I hate this."  So, she told me at that moment I am to focus on self-care - relaxation and breathing exercises, so that I can get to the work part.  Ok, so maybe I had more to say on the subject than I thought.  It's been difficult, but I actually feel pretty wrung out at the end of each session, which is rather gratifying.


Kids are acting goofy here. 

The girl loves here Doctor Who (as do we all.) 
This is her new sonic screwdriver.  It actually
makes a pretty horrid sound.  And the Dalek
t-shirt is her favorite.




 

My Boy turned 16 this week.  How on earth did we get to this point?  How have we not killed each other yet?  I have no idea, but he enjoyed his birthday celebration.  Iron Man 3 and Mexican food - there really is no better celebration.

 

Girl Scouts, school projects (so many school projects), job hunting...and, admittedly, having coffee with friends and family, taking niecelets to the park, and enjoying beautiful spring weather are taking their fair share of time.  I spent some time with my sister today, and I got home and blinked, looking around at my house, thinking, "I should probably spend some time cleaning this place."

 

Ah...and Relay.  Relay For Life is June 7-8, so we are down to the last month, and we are working so hard, trying to make it an excellent event.  Extra meetings, e-mails, phone calls...Relay is taking up more than it's fair amount of brain space lately, but we have less than a month to go.  I look forward to seeing how it all pans out.

 

So, there we are.  That kind of catches you all up.  I hope you all are enjoying your spring.  Come to Relay June 7-8.  We'll keep you up all night!  

Soft, sparkly brain love, or why I like to watch boring videos

It all started with Bob Ross.  You know, the host of The Joy of Painting with the Afro and the beatific smile.  As far back as I can remember, my dad would watch him on PBS and I would sit, transfixed, zoning out to his mellow voice and the scraping of the palette knife against canvas, and feel the tingles up and down my scalp and the back of my neck.  Later, in college, I had a lovely boyfriend who, whenever I had a migraine, would run his fingers very gently over my eyes and around my face.  This not only helped ease the headache, but helped me relax to a point close to sleep.  I had a philosophy professor who was about 150 years old, and liked to hook his knees around my desk and rock back and forth while he lectured.  He generally had something in his rather cavernous nostrils, and I had a front seat...but I didn't care, because his lecturing voice gave me that same tingly feeling.  I would occasionally mention these sensations, but nobody seemed to share them, so I just decided to enjoy them on my own.  Then last year I was searching Bob Ross videos on Google and came up with a whole slew of videos under the label "ASMR."

Because, apparently I'm not the only one who appreciates the loveliness that is Bob - or soft, gentle voices, for that matter.   ASMR stands for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, and it is a rather new name for the pleasurable tingling sensations in the scalp and head some experience in response to certain stimuli, for example, whispering, soft speaking, scratching, gum chewing, etc.  There is a whole "community" of people who experience ASMR, talk about it, and post or watch the videos.  Some call the sensations brain orgasms or "braingasms," but I feel the name is misleading as the feelings are not at all sexual in nature.  Rather, they are relaxing, sometimes to the point of trance. 

I felt inspired to write about this here a few weeks ago when I heard a woman talking about it on NPR, which obviously makes it a real and important thing.  She talked about how certain voices (including Bob Ross!) would turn her head into a snowglobe.  I was rather excited to hear someone rational, a novelist, no less, talking about how much she enjoys some of my favorite "whisperers" on YouTube, including TheWaterWhispers and GentleWhispering.  It made it more real, I suppose, not something I'm imagining.  I'm also partial to SleepyEnglishGuy and TheOneLilium.  Some people enjoy the sounds of inanimate objects like marbles or paper ripping, some like whispering or gum chewing.  I like the soft-speaking, role-playing videos of people doing simple activities like brushing hair, scalp massage, or taking care of a friend.  I admit, I still also check out Joy of Painting DVD's from the library.  You never forget your first tingle, I suppose. 

Hey baby, what's happening, let's groove.

I've stopped by here and stared at the screen several times over the past month, trying to prod my brain into making words.  It just wasn't happening.  Stuff is happening and all, I just haven't felt like writing.  But today I do.  Feel like writing, I mean.  Just a little of what's going on lately...

1.  My guy got a new job.  Which is great - he wasn't happy at his last company, and this is feeling good so far.  He started two weeks ago, and the week before he was off, looking forward, I'm sure, to a week alone with his wife.  And I was sick, the whole week.  Nasty, stomach sick.  Did not make for a fun week, for either of us.  Although I did discover the trainwreck that is "Hard Core Pawn."  Hours of mindless, drool out the corner of your mouth viewing.  I've stayed away since, but dread that day I'm feeling sick and sitting on the couch staring at people screaming expletives about being ripped off.

2.  I had an interview recently.  Crossing fingers, toes, hair follicles...wish me luck, please.

3.  My son and I are hooked on The Mentalist.  Really great show.  We're on the second season right now; don't tell me what happens!  My daugther tries to watch with us, but she spends half the show asking questions like, "Did they find the killer yet?" (it is 15 minutes in and you've been watching the whole time) or "Who's RedJohn?" (seriously?)  We watch a lot without her.

4.  Still working on Relay.  We're only halfway to our team goal, and only 2 months to go.  I really need to get my rear into gear - help!

5.  My girl is doing a play this month - Aristocats.  She is in the chorus.  We'll see after if she has been bitten by the theater bug.

6.  I've taken a bunch of pictures lately that I will post this week.  I spent some time with the twinlets on Thursday and took tons - they are getting so big and precious and I love playing with them.  The only kids that make me think, very very briefly, that I'd like to have more.  I won't, but they make me think.  And then I realize I'd have to raise twin teenage girls, and I laugh at their mom.  Heehee.

I'd like to chat more, but I think that's enough for today.  I'm going to write down the other stuff, though; now that I'm thinking words again (yeah, you read that right, and that's what I meant,) I need to spend some time here.  Stay shiny!

Right Now...

~ I'm going through a decluttering-obsessive phase.  I can't seem to stop myself.  Each day I look around myself and I get tense, wanting to get rid of more.  I'm filling a bag or a box of garbage or stuff I want to sell constantly.  I'm just feeling so scattered and I think the clutter is adding to that.  I'm hitting the craft supplies too, friends, if you want anything, let me know.  One of our Relay For Life teams does an annual yard sale to raise money - I think I'll save my stuff for that.

~ Listening to one cat snore while another is literally calling me from upstairs.  Our three furry boarders left two weeks ago.  I am thrilled with the lack of waste product, but kind of missing always having someone warm and furry on my lap.  Three seems like such a small number right now.

~ Loving this recent bluegrass/folk influx in popular music.  I'm listening to Mumford & Sons right now (yes, I'm sure you were listening to them before they were popular) - British and bluegrass, how cool is that?  Funny - I really can't stand "country" music, but the complicated arrangements of banjo, guitar, violin, etc really make me smile.    

~ Have finished the sequel to Chocolat.  Loved Chocolat, didn't love The Girl With No Shadow.  Anyway, I'm between books right now, so if you have any suggestions, I'm all ears.

~ Am exercising a lot more.  And feeling a lot better.  The anxiety has settled a lot, and I really think the extra activity is what's helping the most.  Of course, this is not new information, but I still have a bad habit of falling off the wagon.  Posting my workouts on Facebook helps - I need people to guilt me into working out, apparently.

~ Finished all the books from the January list, did none of the tasks.  The Girl's room remains unpainted, but I did finish a scarf whilst watching Doctor Who and gave it to her, so she was briefly appeased.  I promised I would do it by the time she returns from camp.  In June.  Hey, it's before her next birthday, isn't it? (yes it is, for those who don't know.) 

I have been taking my camera out occasionally, but only occasionally, and I haven't uploaded pictures in awhile.  I'm feeling a bit squirrelly from my lack of creative outlet - maybe I should attempt to take a photo a day, just to get back in the habit.

~ Ooh, on the mental front, I started seeing a new therapist a few weeks ago, and I'm really liking this one.  I was able to go in with a definite idea of what I hoped to accomplish, which was a helpful side effect of seeing therapists that didn't work for me.  Things are starting to "click," if you will, and I am...cautiously optimistic.

We lost a little girl in our community on Friday, Ella-Reid, and everyone, even those of us who didn't know her well, are mourning.  She had P-NET cancer, a rare cancer that mainly afflicts young children and teenagers, and she fought so hard.   I had the pleasure of spending a little time with her in December while I worked in her classroom.  She was a sweetheart who loved pink and purple and rainbows and all kinds of girly things...and she showed a strength of character you don't see in many adults.  I don't mean to end on a low note, but she was an important part of our community and we will all miss her.  I just wanted to take a moment to honor Ella-Reid. 

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Q: What happens when a paranoid has low self esteem?
A: She thinks nobody important is out to get her.

Oh my.  It's fun to make fun of paranoia, right?  So much material, so little time.  Unfortunately, it's not much fun being a paranoid.  Especially when my own form of paranoia is not the glamorous, they're all out to get me, it's all a conspiracy kind of paranoia.  No, I am the sad little paranoid with low self-esteem.  The one who constantly feels left out.  All of my friends and family are doing wonderful things, and they didn't invite me because they're embarrassed to be seen with me, or I'm stupid, or I'm too fat. 

My grandma, the one I often write about, was a paranoid.  I adored her, trust me, I honor her memory every day, but she was always talking about what "they" were thinking about her.  "'They' think I should walk more" was a comment she often made.  She kept the drapes closed in the front room so "they" couldn't look in.  She was referring to her neighbors, of course, who really could care less if she walked more. 

When I was little, I had a friend who lived across the street.  Every time I spent the night at my grandparents' house, I would go over there and spend hours playing with my friend.  You know how little kids are, I'd want to go over there as soon as I was dressed and fed.  But my grandmother would tell me, "they don't want you around all the time."  When she saw a picture of one of my boyfriends in high school, she informed me that he was "too good looking for me."  She wasn't trying to be cruel, I truly believe she was trying to spare my feelings from the inevitable rejection I would receive when I went across the street one too many times or when my boyfriend dumped me.  I always thought that would be the name of my memoirs, should they ever be interesting enough to write.  "They" Don't Really Want You Around.  Coming soon to a psychologist's office near you.

It really is all about an inflated fear of rejection.  The constant fear that every time something happens without you, it's because nobody really likes you.  Because, deep down, maybe you feel like you would reject you if you were them.  Does that make sense?  You don't feel like you are worthy of friendship, or love, or whatever "they" may represent, so you get that pit in your gut every time you are not invited along somewhere.  Social media has made it worse, because you see the smiling pictures and status updates of all the friends having all the fun while you sit at home watching Doctor Who.  Who, incidentally, never invites me anywhere, either. 

Intellectually, I know my friends probably don't spare a thought to how the fat girl will bring the group down when we go out.  People are allowed to have other friends besides me.  A lot of my family members are terrible communicators, and have busy lives.  They are not ignoring me or trying to exclude me.  But paranoia doesn't sit in the intellectual center of the brain.  At least on me, it sits in my diaphragm, and my stomach.  I feel an emptiness, which then travels upwards and makes a hole in my heart.  It is a completely emotional reaction to other people's normal behavior.  And it hurts, a lot.

This is not a "pity me" post.  But it is an explanation of why sometimes, when I'm talking to a group of friends, especially people I'm not necessarily comfortable with, I often try way too hard to sound witty and clever.  Which just comes across as loud and uncomfortable.  Trust me, I'm working on this. 

The Year I Make It Happen

How long have I been blogging here?  Five, six years?  And every year I say, "this year I'm going to lose weight, I'm going to save money, I'm going to be a better mom."  And then I gain weight, or freak out on my kids, or go further into debt.  I'm impressed that you all keep coming back. 

So, Erin over at BlueBirdBaby posted a challenge for the year. 


That is the button which will hopefully make it's way onto my sidebar, but Blogger seems to find new ways to irritate me each day.  Today it refuses to save the entire string of code, and just now apparently messed up while trying to save the entire post...sigh.  Anyway...

In the past two months, I have been diagnosed with high blood pressure and high cholesterol.  I have been having anxiety attacks, and my depression has snuck in at very inopportune times.  I'm feeling fully unhealthy.  I've been sick the past week, and then two weeks before that. 

I'm tired of feeling sick, exhausted, sad, and unworthy. 

So, this year I will Make It Happen, for my physical and mental health.  There are a thousand things I would like to improve about myself, but what is the point of working on other aspects of myself when my body and my mind are not healthy enough to accept the changes? 

Erin's challenge does not dictate that we make plans or even blog about the whole thing, but big sweeping changes just don't happen over night, and I need to plot and plan for them.  Small steps, right?

Over the next month, I will make the following things happen:

1.  Move, every day.  At least 10 minutes.  I started this on January 1, and did well, but then I got sick and couldn't breathe.  And then I got depressed.  So, we start again today.

2.  Sleep, every night.  No more Facebook and Freecell until midnight.  Neither is very interesting.  If I'm not out with friends, I'm in bed by 11.

3.  Meet with new therapist.  I love the woman I've been seeing, but I feel like I need a little more input.  I don't think she takes me very seriously. 

4.  Meditate and/or journal, at least once a week.  I have to start small with this one.  But I do feel better when it's done.

These are definitely steps I can take.  And, honestly, I need all the help I can get, so join me, kick my butt, whatever.  Together, we can make it happen.