ch ch ch choices...

Hello, my chickens.
I'd like to say I've been busy, but in all honesty, it's more I've been making poor choices, and I was embarrassed to come on here and write. A lot of justifying stopping at Culvers (just one small chocolate custard, I only crave chocolate once a month, and I deserve it!) or stopping at Taco Bell (I'll get a small order, well, it's cheaper if I get the meal, I haven't had regular Pepsi in so long...), or getting the calorie-heavy entree at Flipdaddy's because it was book club, and I felt like it, etc. And it wouldn't have been so bad if I treated myself once or twice, but treating myself several times a day, every day? Well, that's how I got here in the first place. Ooh, or how about the fact that I planned to go to the gym 4 times last week, and only went twice, even though I packed my freaking bag, and was ready to go? And my friend who has been checking in on me every single day would text me something motivating, and I would text back something jokey or silly instead of really thinking and responding or calling out for help, because, again, I was embarrassed by my choices, and my desire to continue to make bad choices.

And I still want more of that freaking custard.

But I promised I was going to post here, good or bad, because I need it, and I'm not the only person in the world who trips up, or makes bad choices. The embarrassing part for me here is that I am consciously making the bad choices. This is not a case of ignorance or just underestimating - I know what I am doing, and I'm doing it anyway. Because it tastes good and I want it.

Which leads to today's topic, and I had no idea until this moment, because I wanted to talk about music tonight, or maybe the interview with JP Sears on the Fat Burning Man podcast I listened to at the gym tonight, which may make its way in, as it is maybe related? Anyway, let's talk immediate gratification, because along with my deeply ingrained "feast or famine" mindset, seem to be my biggest downfalls. Which would explain why (aside from last week's non gym days), starting a healthy habit is much easier for me than cutting one out. I can work out and add veggies, and I drink more than 100 oz of water a day, easily. But ask me to cut out a dessert, or stop drinking pop, and I desperately want to do it all, right now!

I looked to a few different people who were smarter than me - Nerd Fitness, Tiny Buddha, some guy named Tom - and they have a few different tips:

1. 1. Motivation is fleeting; work on building habits so it is mindless that you do the thing. The longer I make the healthy choices, the easier it becomes to continue to make them.
2. 2. Focus on the Big Why. Why do I want to become healthier, hence make the healthier choices? I want my body to be able to do the things I want to do, for years to come.
3. 3. I am the boss of my own journey, and my goals are flexible. I don't need the custard today, because I can have some again next week, or in a few weeks.

OK, so nothing groundbreaking, right? This was from some pretty limited reading, and I think I'd like to delve a little deeper into the "instant gratification" thing. I see my therapist this Thursday. I think I may actually deviate from my usual sobbing about my shortcomings as a parent, and maybe touch on this a bit. I'll get back to you.

That said, it kiiiiind of relates to the podcast I was listening to at the gym today (I did go, today and yesterday.) I like to listen to health/fitness related podcasts at the gym (and I could really use some suggestions, if you have any), and Fat Burning Man with Abel James has some really great interviews. I don't love everything he says, but the interviews are good. The one I listened to today was with JP Sears, you know, the Ultra-Spiritual guy from Youtube?

They're all satirical and funny, and I enjoy them, so I thought I'd see what he had to say, and he said some great things about not getting stuck thinking your ideology or beliefs are who you are. He used the example of these guys who used to do a Youtube show called "Raw Brahs" or something like that; they were raw vegans, and they had a huge following, and were super successful...until one of them starting suffering really terrible health problems, like, systems shutting down. But they really identified as "raw vegans", it was who they were. Finally, the guy started adding some meat into his diet, and his health totally bounced back. Because sometimes a way of eating works really well, until it doesn't. And he had to deal with the disappointment, and losing followers, but it's alright, you know, because he's alive. The point, of course, is growth, and how we grow as people. Abel responded by talking about how, as adults, three years can go by and we don't even notice, and just live the way we live, but remember ourselves in high school? The huge difference between ourselves as freshmen and as seniors? Some of us were like different people! Part of that is maturing, sure, but it's all growth, and why not continue to grow as people as adults, as well? Pretty deep stuff for a guy who talks about weight lifting and protein, but there you go. And it made me think about how one of my pet peeves in people is when they say something like, "I'm the type of person who..." like self-analysis as conversation. I've certainly been guilty of it, although I desperately try to avoid that phrase. Because while we may be that person right now, we should be growing and changing as people, and not being "the type of person who..." for the rest of our lives, unless it ends in "wants to live a kind and generous life" or something. Plus, it's just kind of an annoying and adolescent phrase.

Phew. That was a lot of words. I'll go scour the internet for some fun images to break up the many words. Because,guys, I'm the type of person who likes to add pictures to make this fun and interesting, and forgets to take them, so borrows them from others.

Day of statistics

Good evening. How was your day? It was pretty freaking gorgeous - I had to walk a few laps around the parking lot to enjoy the weather.

Ok, enough about the weather, let's talk numbers. I see the weight loss doc for my 3 month check in next week, so this week we did weight, measurements, and body comp, as well as discussing my progress, etc. I want to preface these numbers with a few facts: a. my last few weigh ins have been first thing in the morning, and this was at 6PM, b. it was on a different scale at a different office, and c. it wasn't a regular scale, but the body comp scale. Ooh, and I'm about to settle into my shark week. These factors may play a part in my weight this week, or may not, but, yeah.

LW: 275lb
CW: 276.8 lb
Gain: 1.8 lb
Ugh. Almost 2 lbs. Which could have really bummed me out, but we also did measurements and body comp, and she let me take home copies. Understand, they are not huge numbers, but there are some pleasant changes.

In the 3 months I've been working, I've lost 12.8 lbs. Yes, I should be losing more quickly, considering how many calories they want me consuming, but that first month I really struggled. Gods, I was hungry. Yes, I hear my excuses, but that doesn't mean they aren't valid.

In the 3 months I've been working, my BMI has gone down by 2. I realize this is not particularly informative, but my body fat percentage has dropped 1.1%, and my muscle mass has increased by 0.6%. I don't know if this is great, but I like it better than it was.

In the 3 months I've been working, I have lost a total of 11.25 inches, including 3 inches from my waist, and 4.5 from my hips. And I wasn't even sucking it in! I've also lost 1.5 inches from my neck, and my freaking rings keep spinning on my fingers, because THAT'S where I want to lose weight.

I've also increased my activity levels from almost completely sedentary to 5-6 days a week of formal exercise, increased walks around the building on purpose, and getting up more often in general. I've increased my rowing time from less than 4 minutes to 8 minutes, my average speed and time on the treadmill, and I'm strength training 3 days a week. Also, I feel a heck of a lot better. I talked to the nurse about that, after the receptionist made me feel a bit crappy for not following the program very closely - she asked if I felt successful so far, and I told her yes, I am feeling very successful. That I understand I'm not losing as quickly as most of their other patients because I allow myself treats, and I refuse to stick to 1000 calories a day and feel like crap all the time, but I'm 44, and I'm not expecting to come out of this looking great in a bikini. I just want to feel good enough to do what I want to do as I age, and I feel like I am on that path.

Thank you so much for sticking with me here - it really helps to have someone to talk to about all of this. I don't always have a ton to say, and sometimes I have so very much to say, but nothing interesting - I truly appreciate knowing someone out there will read it, and perhaps comment with a "keep going, silly twit! we've got your back!" or "stand up and back away from the snack!" You are fabulous!

Crisp, cool days of fall...?

A very blessed Mabon/Autumn Equinox to you all, my friends! Fall is taking its own sweet time visiting Kentucky, so let's thank Google for this image:

Autumn is my favorite - I adore this season. My Fitbit was showing me just 500 steps short of 10,000, so I went out to walk around my neighborhood, and the stars are bright, and the air is under 90 degrees, and I had to come in and light a pumpkin candle. I need a cabin in the woods of Quebec with a fireplace, and crunching leaves, and my cats and dogs (I don't have dogs, but in my Quebec cabin I will), and my tea and books. I really read too much Louise Penny.

My weekend went by ridiculously quickly. Went to the gym with my sister and then hung out with her on Saturday, babysat a friend's kids on Sunday, and then it was Monday. Seriously, I'm pretty sure it was 3 hours long. It was a pleasant 3 hours, but 3 hours, nonetheless. Oh, I walked a few miles on Sunday, as well, and it was wicked hot, and I don't think I stopped sweating all day. And I took a shower.

Yikes. I really have very little to say today. I'm feeling a bit distracted. The smallest something shiny will grab my attention. I see the weight loss nurse tomorrow, and then the doctor next week. I do not know why I have to see the nurse first, but there we go. I'll have more to chat about tomorrow.

I did go to the gym today. Productivity happened.

We'll chat tomorrow.

Dancing days are here again...

I'm going to start with news that has had me dancing more than usual today.
I have been pretty freaking lucky for a "morbidly obese" chick. I have few health issues related to weight/my poor habits - sore knees, occasional breathlessness, high blood pressure. Also, my cholesterol has been high for about 10 years now, and every time I had a blood test, I would beg my doctor to let me fix it with diet, as I did not want to go on medication. This year, my doctor told me if I continued to test high this year, he was really going to push me - guess who's lipid panels shows her LDLs to be in normal range?!  That's right, this girl's!

Yesterday was a weigh in day. I have made some poor choices this past week, and kind of expected a gain. I've been making some poor choices over the past few weeks. The dietitian asked what had changed that I have been making worse choices. I have not been sleeping very well, and I'm fairly certain that's a part of it, as exhaustion messes with one's hunger cues. I also have not been tracking, and as much as I hate doing it, it does help me keep a handle on my intake, if for no other reason than I'm eating more mindfully, and it wards off a binge. So we agreed that I would track my intake this week. I think I will also make more of an effort to put my phone away at least an hour before I go to bed. Maybe that is what is affecting my ability to relax at night.

Ok, so weigh in:

LW: 276 lb 1.6 oz
CW: 275 lb
Loss: 1 lb 1.6 oz

If I actually do a better job of adhering to the program, I should be able to get under 270 in the next 3 weeks, and that would be awesome. That is my first big mile marker - I haven't been under 270 in, I don't know, 6 years? The last time I was having constant panic attacks and couldn't eat anything - which, while effective, is not a particularly healthy, nor enjoyable, way to lose weight. Honestly, I'd rather be fat.

I read another really great article in Tiny Buddha yesterday (every time I read the title of this blog, I think of the song "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John, except that when I see the title to that song, I sing it to the tune of "Private Dancer" by Tina Turner. Yes, I know the correct tune to both songs, I can't help what my monkey brain does. Anyway, so I start singing, "so he's a tiny Buddha, Buddha for money, doodoodoodoo" because I never remember lyrics, as we all know.)

Wait. What was I talking about? Right, so it was "What I Did When I Felt Lost and Purposeless" by Lizzy Dean, and it hit a chord. Some of you may remember, I spent 10 years at home with the kids, during the height of the "mommy blogger" days, and so many of those blogs talked about finding your bliss, living your passion. I've talked about it here, how hard it is to find that passion, that bliss. Let's face it, it isn't sitting the reception desk at an office, managing staff in two different offices, supporting fundraising events. I have friends who say being a mom is their bliss, their passion, and that's fantastic, but it is not mine. I love my children - they are interesting and smart and weirdly funny, but I have never felt particularly good at it, and I don't really enjoy the responsibility of it. And I will tell you, during that time especially, I felt a lot of pressure to figure out what my purpose in life was. I had a certain amount of freedom - staying home with my kids, with a husband who was able to support us - to "find myself" if you will, and, well, here we are. I failed at that particular task. I feel I know myself pretty freaking well, but I still have never found a true purpose.

I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before, more than once, maybe even recently, but in this article, Dean doesn't only present a way to live a meaningful life without "living your purpose", she gives you guidelines on how to do it!  She suggests looking at people you most admire, determine the values they most exemplify that you feel lacking in your own character, and improve upon those.

Anchor your life in those personal values, rather than in the elusive "purpose", and you will find meaning! (I still think you should read the whole article - it was really good.) Gah! This is something I can sink my teeth into! I feel like I can determine the values that mean the most to me easily, the character traits I hope people will agree I exhibited when they are crowding around at the enormous bash that is my funeral. I have so many people I admire, so many amazing humans in my life, and I just have to narrow it down to a few values. I don't want to improve myself too much, right?

What about you? Have you found your purpose in life? Do you have a passion for anything? Is this idea as freeing to you as it is to me?

He's a tiny dancer, dancin' for money...

Day...uh oh, I'd better start writing something interesting...

...and more consistently, or you guys are going to stop reading altogether, and stop motivating me, and we can't have that happen. I also find I am not making the good food choices as often when I'm not talking about them here. Which, let's face it, you all probably don't find my eating habits all that fascinating, I know I don't, but if I talk about the fact that I am wicked tired today, and so I stopped at a gas station for what was my go-to, I have to keep myself awake, so I'm buying snacks, but I really shouldn't be eating them, so I threw half away, and am giving some of the rest away (I did actually eat/drink some of them, but that's better than all, right?) Also, not buying the snacks is a lot cheaper than buying the snacks, and after paying bills today, I am not feeling so positive. Also, I'm at work right now, which means I am not actually working, I'm writing this - hello, procrastinating what really needs to be done...Ok, so I am not living my best Monday life today. Let's talk about the weekend, and then, I swear, I will get back to work.

It was a decent weekend. I woke up relatively early both days, which was kind of silly, as I could have slept in, but I had a lot of cleaning I wanted to do. Saturday I had a to-do list as long as my arm, and I started in as soon as I woke up to Paco, my favorite little asshole kitty, biting the tops of my feet. Maybe he doesn't understand he actually bites quite hard, and is not trying to irritate me, but I think it is possible he does realize this is not a pleasant way to wake up, and doesn't care. He's an asshole, but he's my asshole. Anyway, I got a bunch done, and then went to the gym with my daughter. I love going to the gym with her - I work much harder with her than when I'm by myself, and she worked me hard. The butt exercises we did have me groaning every time I stand up, and this was 2 days ago. I knocked out all but two of my to-do list items, but I wasn't feeling great when I got home, and decided to take a few minutes to lay down and rest. It really was only a few minutes, and I read a bit. Yesterday I met a friend to walk, which we did, and it was pleasant, as always. Knocked off the rest of the to-do list, except for lawn mowing, which I skipped this weekend - it's been kind of dry, so it's not very long, and our garage door is broken, and really freaking heavy, so I'll mow next week when it's fixed. I was going to write here after dinner, but Finnegan was on my lap, and he was very comfortable, and who am I to make him get up?

I was so sad to see Ric Ocasek passed away yesterday. I loved the Cars growing up, and "Just What I Needed" remains one of my favorite songs.

Marc and I are watching "Barry." We saw an interview with Bill Hader on The Daily Show, and he made it sound interesting, and it is, as well as pretty freaking funny. Not always, but often. The premise - Marine comes back from Afghanistan and becomes a hit man. Becomes disillusioned as hit man, and decides to move to LA to become an actor (because that is where you meet good people, right?) I've never thought of Bill Hader as a "good actor", but he's really good in this, like a decent person trying to do the right thing kind of guy, even if he is a killer. We just finished the first season last night. I'm also still watching a couple of episodes of Schitt's Creek most nights - I really love that show.

Ok, so, plans for the week: it's going to be wicked hot, so I think I'll be going to the gym after work most days. Yay, September. I put up my fall owl on my desk, trying to urge the weather to cool down. It's not listening yet. Anyway, I prepped baked chicken and roasted green beans (more fall food, right?) for most dinners, and I have my morning shake and lunch soup. The dietitian suggested I add riced cauliflower to the chicken soup, so I'll give that a try. I'm low on veggies, so I need to get someone (probably my son) to go to the store to get some to add to things. I just gave my Reeses Pumpkins to one of my staff members. So those are gone.

Nobody will notice if I climb under my desk for a nap, right?

Ok, friends. I need to work. Make good choices, and have a pleasant day.

Day of...oops, gotta charge my Fitbit

Hi, friends!

Almost a week goes by...better not fall back into old bad habits.

It was a lovely weekend - I walked with one friend on Saturday, and another on Sunday. I cleaned, a lot, which did make me feel a little more energetic. And I took Monday off to take my mom to the doctor, which meant I was able to go to the gym Monday morning, and get some other things done. Ooh, and for my sister's birthday, we went to see It 2, which was...ok. Not as good as the first chapter, which I thought they did a great job on. Bill Hader was great, though. My guy and I watched the Daily Show interview with him the night before, and now we are going to watch Barry, because it looks interesting, and every couple needs a show, right?

There was a lot more gross going on in this movie, which actually is pretty on par with the book, but I don't love movies that depend a lot on gross. What I did love, however, was the ongoing joke throughout the book that those of you who read it will get and nobody else will. Even Stephen King was in on it. This elicited a grin from me more than once.

Also, the last time I read the book, I was outside at one point right after a storm, and the next door neighbor kid was looking down a storm drain, and I told him that if someone started talking to him from down there, he should run away, especially if that someone had a balloon. He thought I was crazy, but I thought it was freaking hilarious. This happens in the movie, and I laughed out loud, especially since his older brother was sitting next to me at the movie.

It was awesome.

Oh, yeah, so last night was a weigh in. I was a little worried, as I've been struggling a bit with my choices this last week.

Last week: 276 lb 6.4 oz
This week: 276 lb 1.6 oz
Loss:  4.8 oz

Not awesome, but not a gain, either.
I went to the gym today, my food choices have been pretty decent the past two days. Today's lunch was a potluck, and I did partake, but I did not stuff myself. I plan to walk tomorrow, and make the good choices. I need to remember my Fitbit is charging, as we are in the middle of a steps challenge this week, and how do I count without my Fitbit, right?!

Alright, so that's all I have for tonight - have a spectacular evening!

Day of reckoning

Big things happen on Thursdays, you know.
Today started with a visit to the dietitian, and me admitting all my dietary sins from the weekend. She was a little startled, like, really? You didn't make any healthy choices? And I said, "I ate when I was hungry and stopped when I was full. Do you have any idea how unusual that is? What a serious step forward that is for me?" She was like, "oh, good, I guess." Anyway, with all of that, here is today's weigh in:

Last week: 279 lb 1.6 oz
This week: 276 lb 6.4 oz
Loss: 2 lb 4.8 oz

Yay! Wasn't actually expecting that, although we really did hike a lot.

So, funny story. I've been not taking selfies with this phone for a long time because they always came out really smudgy and blurry, and just bad. It made me sad, as I didn't get pics of myself at Pride, and all the other attempts haven't came out...anyway, I had to remove the case last Thursday so I could use the square reader for our Strides kickoff, and I started playing with the case...yeah, you guessed it, there was a film on the inside of the case that I didn't see, and hadn't removed. Silly me. Made me feel a bit like a Luddite, which I am not, but there we go. Here is a selfie I took of myself yesterday at the Blue Ash "Nature Center" during my walk:

Look at me, all clear and not blurry!

After the dietitian, I went to see my therapist (yeah, I need a lot of help, whatever.) I always feel slightly guilty seeing a therapist, as I have a lot of friends I feel comfortable being completely open with, and then I go and pay someone to listen to the same stories. I haven't seen her since June, and now I will only be seeing her once a month, but she tends to pull different things out of the stories than my friends do, and make me think about things differently. So, apparently I am benefitting from these visits, and with my deductible being paid up, they are cheap. So maybe I can stop judging myself.

Went to the gym after work today, cardio and then worked the legs and shoulders. I am a beast! Except that the new athletic shoes my guy picked out for me (he is a master and finding good shoes cheap) gave me a freaking blister on my ankle! This is very irritating, and I am annoyed and feeling whiny. But I will live.

There is a tiny bug that keeps flying in front of my monitor and distracting me. Shoo, tiny bug!

I feel like there was something else I wanted to discuss, but I can't remember, so I'm going to go to bed. Night!

Day...something...I really should count all these days and get back to the numbers...

But they really don't make particularly interesting titles, do they?

You know, Pepsi is a seriously slippery slope for me. This past weekend, when I threw all dietary caution to the wind, I ordered a coke with one of my dinners. Which led to a Pepsi, and then another coke...you get it. And tonight, when I picked up gyros from Greek to Me, which is amazing, by the way (I get the chicken gyro, and it's actually relatively healthy, without the fries, obvs, which I did eat) I got a Pepsi, which was silly, because I know I'm on this slippy, dippy slope. It's like a drug for me. Not to minimize addiction, friends, I do realize it's not really like heroin, but I do tend to drink a lot of it when I drink it. Anyway, I drank half, and then gave the rest to my son, and I feel slightly better about myself. Ok, so eating, not awesome - did my shake/soup/healthy snack, but then ate the fries, all the fries, and some pepsi. Not awesome, could be worse. I need to plan again - that really helps. I also walked 30 minutes at the "Blue Ash Nature Center" (yes, a little belittling, but it's like, an acre, and part of the path is just one treeline away from a major road, which makes it feel slightly less than natural.) Ok, the trees are pretty. Anyway, felt like being outside after work, so that was my workout. Tomorrow morning I see the dietitian. We'll see the damage then.

Have you seen "Booksmart?" We watched it Monday night, and it was freaking delightful. Yes, your basic "have a last blowout of fun before graduation" type of movie, but from a smart female perspective. And yeah, wanting to have sex was also involved, but again, not your basic "nerdy guy/hot girl" fantasy. It was really clever and funny and the two main characters were charming and funny and bright. And Billie Lourd was hilarious. Bravo, Olivia Wilde, this was great!

I will watch it again, if any of you want to watch it with me - excellent girl's night movie!

A lovely weekend away, and I'm getting back on track

My youngest kid is going to be 17 soon, and my husband and I last took a vacation away, by ourselves, 8 months before she was born. We went to Steamboat Springs, CO, in February, where I learned, among other things, that mountains, beautiful as they are, apparently trigger a claustrophobic reaction as a symptom of my "morning sickness" all day long. I spent many hours feeling alternately nauseous and panicky, as I admired the beauty, and enjoyed the company of a couple I did not know well at all (he worked with the guy) and their dog, who I adored. I should mention, I did not know I was pregnant at the time, so this all took me a bit by surprise.

Anyway, my guy decided it was time for another trip, and he booked us a long weekend at an inn in Nashville, IN. I was underwhelmed when he first told me - no offense, Indianonians, but your state is not a favorite of mine. Let's face it, it's called the "crossroads of America" for a reason - you're not actually supposed to stop there. At least not longer than it takes to pee and get gas. And the vice president gives me the willies. But apparently this place was nice, so off we went on Friday for a few days of hiking, romance, and apparently, quirky shopping.

It was lovely. Absolutely delightful. The shopping was ok - a lot of hunting for treasures among touristy-trap shops, but the food was delicious, the nature was natural, and the inn was...quiet. So blessedly quiet. Remember, we spend most of our summer weekends staying in hotels with hundreds of other sports families, whose kids run around until 2am while their parents drink heavily (not judging, parents, but your kids make me crazy.) That did not happen here - it was only for 21 and up, and apparently not many people were there. There was even a hot tub, IN THE ROOM! It was not skanky, so get your minds out of the gutter. I will say, I think we have discovered we are not really "hot tub people", since we'd be in 5 minutes before I was climbing out complaining that I was too hot, but it was a novelty. Here, see some pictures!

Canopy at Yellowwood State Forest

Little orange flower. 

Bigger, purpler flowers - I think at Brown County State Park

AWW - the little tree is snuggling the big tree!

A little turtle

Our relationship, in one picture - Mr. Cranky Paws and his delightful wife.

Dieting did not happen. No, I didn't even pretend to keep to any program. We hiked a lot, but the food was good, and we ate plenty of it. My husband got to eat breaded tenderloin at 3 different places! I, of course, abhor the stuff, but there was plenty of deliciousness for everyone.

So, back on track today. Drank my nasty ass shake mixed with coffee for breakfast, my tortilla soup for lunch, and I did have pizza for dinner, but I kept the portion small. Healthy snacks, and I went to the gym and worked out. Tomorrow will be much the same, with chicken stir fry for dinner, and likely a walk for the workout. I'm still having trouble getting up early; it's something I'm going to have to work on, but having a teenage daughter makes it tough to get to sleep early enough.

Anyway, have a good night, and we'll chat tomorrow.