Monday, August 19, 2013

Live Your Passion!, Or Why I Need to Stop Wallowing in My Own Mind

I use this space, when I use it, for many different purposes.  A way to keep up with family, although I'm not sure anyone besides my mom actually reads it.  A journal, of sorts, documenting what's up in my life, likes and dislikes, crafty things (when I make them.)  A way of documenting my issues with depression and anxiety.  And sometimes, it's just a place to go and vent for awhile.  We all need a place to vent - I just like to do mine in a nice, public space ;)

My day started something a little like this:

I actually was picturing this scene this morning, as I was hauling rear to work after physically dragging my daughter from bed, and then wrangling her crazy coif into a ponytail, then having to take an alternate route due to major backup on the interstate, and all of this on NO coffee.  (Oh, did I forget to mention?  I have a job right now.  I went back to the American Cancer Society - it's temporary, but I do love the job, so I'm happy about that.) Then I spent 45 minutes on the phone with IT, who still insists I don't exist.  I'm an office assistant.  My job is not particularly important, but I do need computer access, so as to type and stuff.  For crying out loud. 

Then I had lunch with my brother and sister, and that was really nice.  Went back to the office, had plenty of work to do to keep me busy - had a pleasant afternoon.  Came home, and the kids went out to dinner with my brother, so it's quiet now.  So yes, lovely evening thus far.

But my brain got in the way of my own contentment.  Stupid brain does that sometimes.  I have a bad habit of comparing myself to other people -- and coming up short in my own mind.  This is not the life I envisioned for myself when I was a teenager.  I always thought I would do something creative; I don't remember the last time I had a creative impulse.  This makes me sad.  I have a lovely friend, a brilliant woman, who is so very creative that she has trouble settling on one outlet for those impulses.  She writes, photographs, makes jewelry, amazing, authentic costumes...she's so creative and artistic, it practically radiates from her.  Her family is just as talented.  And I adore this family, and love to be around them...but a tiny piece of me feels so much despair when I (inevitably) compare my own efforts and accomplishments. And the internet and social media, as much fun as it is, makes it worse, because you get to see ALL the things ALL the people are doing that you are not doing.  I love to read blogs, and sometimes I find them inspiring and uplifting...and sometimes I see them as ideals I can't possibly live up to.  I love the simplicity blogs - they are all about giving up all the clutter and extras, giving yourself the time and money to Live Your Passion!  But what if you have no idea what that passion is?  How do you find it?  I believe I've even complained about this before, but I'm serious.  Are you living your passion?  If so, how did you figure out what that "Passion" was?

That's it.  That's all the venting I have for today.  Mentally, things are (knock on wood) going well.  Kids are back in school, which is not nearly as much fun while I'm working as when I wasn't, obviously.  I miss seeing my twinlets as much as I want, and they miss me too, which makes me feel loved.  I'm feeling a little more stretched and challenged lately, which I like.  I have to find that routine that works for me again - cooking has not been done much lately.  How do we do this working/taking care of home thing again? 

For now, have a nice night.  My kids are gone and my husband is upstairs, and I think I'll go join him.  And I kind of want to watch Office Space again. 

Friday, August 2, 2013

What? August already?

I have no idea where the summer has gone.  Total craziness.  The kids go back to school in two weeks!  They are not thrilled about this - the Boy has a bunch of summer assignments to finish up, and the Girl is just not ready.  Which cracks me up - about this time every summer I would be so excited about finding out my teacher and who would be in my class, and shopping for new school shoes with Grandma, and getting new supplies.  Oh my, new supplies.  I rather ranted about this subject yesterday; I am not mad about the expense, or irritated at the vast number of red pens needed (apparently, many mistakes will be made,)  but the specificity of the list is insane.  Where is the fun in having no choices?  1 red folder, plastic, two-pocket, prongs.  1 yellow folder, plastic, two pocket, prongs.  And so forth.  No Trapper Keepers with running horses and a different colored folder for each subject.  No spiral notebooks with pictures of owls.  I pout.  And I've already whined about this in a public forum.  So no more.

Of course, I can buy supplies for myself, in whatever color I please.  Because on Monday...ta da...I will be going back to work!  This is very good news, of course, as I have been looking for some time.  At my last therapy appointment (ooh, reschedule therapy Monday, gotta remember) I did have a little to say about how it's impossible to be looking for a job for any length of time and not start to suffer a severe self-esteem hit.  That afternoon I had three phone calls to schedule interviews.  This position is temporary, but it is also steady for a few months, and I look forward to beginning. 

Also have to get the cat into the vet for a blood sugar test.  Maybe if I make a list tonight, I'll be able to sleep?

We went to visit family in Peoria last weekend.  It was probably the most beautiful weather we've had all summer, and we did spend some of it outside, so it was lovely.  I'm ready for a real vacation again, though - I haven't been anywhere except Peoria and Chicago to see family in five years.  Oh, I did go to Nashville for two days last year, but it was for a conference, and we never left the hotel, so it doesn't count, darn it.  I'd really like to go to see the redwoods.  And San Diego, the Outer Banks, Maine, and the Grand Canyon.  I really haven't been anywhere cool.

My writing muscle seems to be in terrible shape, much like my other muscles.  Apparently, much exercise of many muscles must be performed - and then I will, once again, have terribly interesting things to say.  So I will check in again in a few days. Have a lovely Friday.