Control...

First of all, thank you to those who commented on Facebook with your own righteous anger on my behalf. I am rather sensitive to the idea of being excluded because of my weight, so I was leery of contacting the company or his manager, but I really feel I was on the nose in this case. You know what they say. "It's not paranoia when they are all after you." Something like that.

Anyway, I weighed in this morning. I didn't take pictures, and I am kind of fine with that. Except that I promised I would. So I'll just tell the truth. I gained. Ugh.

SW:  281.8
LW: 279.8 (this is different from the weight in the picture, but this is what I have written down by Mel, so it's what I'm using.
CW: 282.0

Yeah. I worked out a LOT this week - some serious sweat - but wow, my eating. People, this is a problem. It's not a matter of tweaking a few calories here, a few calories there. I just eat a lot of stuff I shouldn't. I start out great - do really well through 2:30PM, and then I am tired and bored, and driving alone, and trying not to fall asleep, and I stop for ice cream. Ice cream. Not exactly an every day food, people.

So many of my fellow boot campers are having trouble with their numbers because they eat too little, or they're talking about needing to eat more protein, less fat. Those of you reading this are probably thinking, "dude, what is wrong with you?! You are trying to lose weight, you don't eat ice cream or chips or whatever! Treats are for treat time, not every day! That's a no brainer!"

I know. I really do, and I feel horrible when I do it. Since starting this past session, I have logged all my food. But logging all my food does nothing if I just look at the enormous number at the end and think, yikes, better tomorrow, but...well, my brain needs the tweaking, not my protein portions.

It goes like this: I am driving home after a particularly crappy day at work, the number of which have been increasing lately. I am tired, I am beyond bored. I worked out that morning, and I know I have to go home to a messy house, people asking "what's for dinner," and a kid who has to go to volleyball. And I'm a lucky one - my husband pitches in with sports and dinner, and I realize a lot of women do not have that. Anyway, I have to drop off my FedEx, and Graeter's is just across the street from the FedEx drop, so darn it, I'm going to stop for ice cream, because I have been working so hard (that day.) And I am not stopping at 1 scoop either, because I will NEVER get ice cream again! Until the next day, of course.

A group of boot campers and I were discussing this today - that mindset of entitlement, combined with a feast or famine mindset - let's add the fact that I tend to binge. Do you do that? Say, I'll just have a handful of white cheddar popcorn, but then you look down and realize the entire bag is gone. You eat and eat, trying to get emotional fulfillment. It doesn't work! The popcorn just doesn't care about me. But at the moment, it is my only friend.

Janet teaches me that I need a little control. Which involves changing my mindset. But, how do you change a mindset you've had for decades? Most of my friends who have lost a large amount of weight, and kept it off, have certain traits that may be described as "control freak." This is a case of using the "control freak" for the good, not evil. I'm talking about those of you who have worked hard to lose weight, controlling your numbers and your intake and your output, not those who have gone too far the other direction into anorexia land, by the way. I understand that can be a slippery slope. But there are times that my easy going, laid back, non-obsessive personality bites me in the ass. Wait, did I say non-obsessive? But, there have been times, more than are healthy, where I have found myself thinking obsessively about the ice cream, or the pizza, or the freaking white cheddar popcorn, until I couldn't think of anything else. I couldn't even get back to sleep at 2AM. So, finally, I get up, and I go downstairs, and I eat a whole bag. Or I finally get back to sleep, only to wake up thinking about it, and go to the store for it.

Yeah, I need help.

So, this week's plan:

1. Keep the last few habits going - working out, all the water, logging the food.
2. Plan the meals, and plan for the commute - keep something low-calorie in the car on which to snack.
3. Use a different FedEx box (simple solution here.)
4. Find someone to walk with during volleyball (being alone in the car is dangerous for me.) Who's game!?
5. Move my daily Mel-text to later in the day, after I get home. I tend to be pretty accountable to her, and I don't lie. If I decide I'm going to confess, I am less likely to do what I may have to confess. I think, this is a theory. I think it may work, though.

Phew. I could use some help here, my friends. If any of you have any thoughts on "changing my mindset" please let me know.

In other news, our sweet new kitty Dutch is settling in relatively well, but she has an upper respiratory infection. Apparently, Siamese are prone to them. She's still hiding a lot, but she likes to be petted, and she allowed Finnegan to lick her head yesterday, although it was a rather awkward moment for both of them.

The girl made a new softball team, and will be playing for the Xplosion this year. She's excited about the opportunity. My girl is so into her sports. It's so cool - and foreign.

The boy has gotten through his first week of college. For those of you waiting on news from him, he says he is "fine." He is a man of eloquence and refinement. He did text me this week asking me to send him his TI-84. It's good to be needed.

That is about it for me today. We have a softball meeting, and then the girl is going out with volleyball friends and the husband and I have the house to ourselves. I don't know what we will do, but you can bet it will be a party. I have been wanting to watch Blacklist...

A little righteous anger

This is a post about prejudice.
I'm not asking for pity or outrage, just a little understanding. Maybe someone to listen to my own anger, because I feel I am right to be angry in this instance. And because sometimes you have to vent that anger so your family doesn't want to kill you at the end of the day.
Sporting goods stores are slim pickings in this area. Oh, we have the Bass Pro, the REI, and the Field & Stream, but if you're looking for baseball bats and yoga mats, you have Play It Again, and you have Dick's Sporting Goods. With two kids who, between them, have played 20 years of ball and bat-type sports, 12 years of soccer, plus assorted years of volleyball and basketball, Dick's has gotten more than their fair share of my time and money.
Today, I visited Dick's fitness area in search of adjustable dumbbells for my brother, the truckdriver, who, understandably, does not want 12 sets of dumbbells rolling around his truck. I could have ordered them off Amazon, but I wanted to give them to him today, and I have a gift card, and I prefer the occasional physical store. I tried Play It Again yesterday, my preference, as it is smaller and far cheaper, but they didn't have any. I found what I was looking for, but I had a few questions. I waited out the couple who was there ahead of me with 200 Crossfit equipment questions. I waited out the gentleman who arrived after me, asking 200 weightlifting glove questions. Then the young, superfit male associate looked right at me, looked me up and down, turned his back and started to walk away. I called out, "excuse me" and he responds with, "Oh, Do you want something?"

No. I'm just standing there staring at you because you are so darn hot.

What I actually say is, "Yes, I was wondering if you have anything else like this. If not, do you have more of these in stock?"
He responds, "Oh, this isn't my department."

Really? Look, I realize that with my history and self esteem issues, I may be quick to assume that people are judging me on my size. But, this one felt like a pretty obvious "the fat girl couldn't possibly plan to purchase anything in the fitness department" moment.

Dick's Sporting Goods, here's the thing. You probably want to hire athletic people to work in your store. People who actually play sports or work out regularly. You probably want them to look that way, and you likely pay them crap. But - and this is more a good business suggestion than just a sensitivity issue - people who want to lose weight and get fit are going to want to buy fitness equipment. They very likely will shop in the fitness department of your store. Don't you think it would benefit everyone involved to teach your employees who work in that department to work with these people, and not to just write them off as a fat woman who will never use her weights?

Because this fat woman does use her weights, and will need newer, heavier weights sooner rather than later. And this fat woman really wants a standing bag of her own for kickboxing on days she can't get to a class.

And guess what, Mr. Superfit Dick's Associate. This freaking fat woman probably worked out harder than you did at 5:00 this morning.

Friday is weigh in day

I know. You're wondering about this picture. Because you would really like this underwear.

I'm down 4.8 lbs. from last weigh in, 1 lb from last week. I went to boot camp M-Th this week, and I am sore. Very, hover, saying owowowowow, then drop onto the toilet, like sore. Did not drink any pop this week. Would probably have dropped more than 1 lb, if I had managed to freaking keep my calories in check.

I log every bite I take - all of it. The two days I stayed within 100 calories of my allotted number, I was STARVING! Which tells me a couple of things:

1. I have some serious portion distortion, and I'm so used to eating big portions, that my body thinks it needs more than it does.
2. I may be one of those people who needs to eat small amounts every couple of hours instead of 3 meals.
3. I need to pay better attention to my nutrients and spread my protein out so I have some at every meal.

Okay, so I will take these things into consideration this week while I plan.

By the way, favorite snack for this week - I roasted a bunch of cauliflower, broccoli, and brussel sprouts and took a cup of them to work every day. I eat them cold, and they are delightful. The do not smell delightful, but they tasted fantastic.

In other news, I took my firstborn to college today. He lives on the 7th floor - if moving him in wasn't a workout, nothing is. All these kids had tubs and suitcases and carts full of stuff, and my kid had a duffel bag, a tub, two backpacks, and a few grocery bags. Oh, and his hamper with his bedding. Hopefully he didn't underpack. Anyway, I'm excited for him - I truly hope he is happy there. My boy is not exactly an outgoing, friendly, joiner kind of guy - I told him not to let his tendency to be annoyed by everything get in the way of his enjoyment.
Send him happy thoughts, please.
I spent the later part of the afternoon cleaning bathrooms, mopping, organizing stuff, cleaning cat boxes. I am going to spend these last few minutes of quiet (volleyball game) with my book (Storm of Swords, 3rd Game of Thrones book.)

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day

I've woken up at 4:24AM and gone to 5AM boot camp the last two days. It's been way humid, even at 5AM, so they have been good, sweaty workouts. Anyway, I get home around 6:15, hop in the shower, get ready, make coffee and lunch, and I really don't have time to sit down for breakfast, but dude, I've been up for 2 hours and I am starving. Nothing quite like a smoothie for commute-friendly meal. I've been trying my darndest to make them green - an extra serving of veggies, and green is my favorite color, after all.

My messy desk - don't judge me.

This is Just Peachy Green Smoothie With Chia Seeds from Organize Yourself Skinny. So far it is my favorite of the green smoothies.
Some changes - I use spinach instead of kale in all my smoothies. The taste is a bit milder, and I like keeping spinach on hand, anyway. I used almond milk this time instead of coconut milk, because that is what I had on hand. I prefer the coconut milk, though, so I'll have to pick some up next time I'm at the store. Really not loving the almond milk. A bit of cinnamon is a nice addition to this one.

Updates of the healthy kind...

Oh my gosh, you guys! Check out this haul! Why Missy, where on earth did you get all of this cool stuff? Well, my friends, one of my favorite health and fitness websites, Fit Bottomed Girls, changed their look recently. I love the website, but it was slow to load, and a little busy. Their new look is much cleaner, and loads more quickly. I shared my opinion on their Facebook page, and I was picked to receive a prize package. They asked me to email them with workouts I enjoy or want to try and any allergies I might have. I said I love surprises, so they sent me a big surprise pack - several workout DVD's (including a yoga DVD I've wanted to try,) a few different books, jump rope, some teas, Guroo Sleeves for arm balances, a scarf, tattoos, coffee...I really do love surprises. It was like a big box of presents.

Let's chat a bit about how the healthy habits are coming.
Last week (first week of August), I did really well. Went to boot camp 3 times, added a few walks, tracked all my food, made good choices, no pop. This past week was not so good. I had to work early, husband went out of town, lots of running. Big difference between the two weeks? Planning. I planned for the first week, did not plan for the second. Went to bed too late, ate dinner on the fly.
I did, however, track every unhealthy bite. So that is a step in the right direction.
I also did lose a pound, but I keep forgetting to bring my camera in for the weigh ins. I will add it to my list for this week.

Plans for this week:

1.  Boot camp, every day. This is not my long term plan, but I need to get back in the habit of waking up for the 5AM class, and I find it is easier to form the habit when I do it every day for a few weeks.
2.  Plan my meals for the week. I will do this tomorrow.
3.  Continue to track all the food and drink all the water.
4.  No pop.
5.  Weigh in on Friday - bring the camera!

Ooh, we tried a new (to me) restaurant tonight. It is called Sea, and it is a sushi/Japanese restaurant, opened in an old Dunkin' Donuts building. It was quite lovely, and the food is really good. Two of the best restaurants (in my opinion) in Northern Kentucky are in old fast food/donut places. Mai Thai (for those not from here) is an old Long John Silvers. If you enjoy sushi or other Japanese food, I highly recommend Sea. My own dislike of sushi is a disappointment to me - I really want to like it, but I just don't. I also don't like sweet potato fries. I tried. My palate is just not metropolitan enough for sushi and sweet potato fries. It is a sad thing.

On that tragic note, I need to get to bed. Sunday is mowing day.

Currently...

I have a ton of health stuff to catch up on here, but I wanted to check in, and I enjoy a good list meme from time to time. This one is based on scrapbook journaling prompts.

Currently...

Watching:  a SciFi channel show called Defiance. Post-alien invasion, terraformed earth and it's inhabitants learn to survive in their new world. I just finished watching season 2.

Reading:  "Never Let Me Go" by Kazuo Ishiguro.  I don't have much to share about it yet, but I am enjoying it. It is very different than you'd think by the title.

Listening: Right this minute, a YouTube video by GentleWhispering, which I find terribly relaxing. In the car, audio book "The Liar" by Nora Roberts. And, when I'm in the mood for music I've been listening to Arctic Monkeys or a CD I found in my brother's stuff of MP3's from the late '90s. I love finding these mix CDs after many years - I forget what's on them, and it's like a surprise every new song. I am easily amused.

Making:  Not much, lately. It's pretty sad, I haven't done anything creative in a long time.

Feeling:  Disorganized and a little overwhelmed. This past week my life has consisted of running the Girl from place to place and dealing with craziness at work. Add in the fact that my son is going to college next week, and we are not prepared, and I am feeling I am in way over my head.

Planning: My workouts and meals for the next week. I did not do this last week, and my eating habits were crap.

Loving:  My bullet journal. Oh yes, I have totally jumped on the bandwagon and started a bullet journal in place of my old planner. I have been using it for over a month now, and I really like it. The night before, I check my next day, add any tasks I need to add, plus jot down any quotes I heard, new words, notes, etc. If you are intrigued, check out Pinterest - there are pages and pages of posts on bullet journaling.

Enjoying: The weather lately. It has been warm, not hot, and lovely.

This weekend is looking nutty - tomorrow morning, I am going to my boot camp open house, then the Girl's volleyball tournament. If they play as well as they did this evening, they will be playing until tomorrow night. Sunday I have to catch up on some chores around the house, and softball tryouts for the Girl. Busy busy busy...

Babbling mindlessly about the movies and music of my youth...

Hey there, ho there. I really need to go to bed, but I was just typing a Facebook update, and it was getting really long, and really became a blog post all by itself,so I decided to just come here. 

Today I have traveled back in time. My commute was spent rocking out to the music of my youth. How much did I love the soundtrack to the movie "Singles." Ok, except for the Paul Westerberg songs, which were lame, and the horrid cover of Led Zeppelin's "Battle of Evermore." That movie sparked my love for Alice in Chains, and I could listen to Pearl Jam's "State of Love and Trust" on an everlasting loop.

"Singles" was one of those movies I watched 100 times and never got bored. I wanted, desperately, to be Kyra Sedgwick, but I really identified more with Debbie, the bizarre redhead who babbled incessantly. Or maybe with Campbell Scott's best friend. Yeah, I was definitely Campbell Scott's best friend. Anyway, I loved that movie, but I never did get to Seattle, I never got to see Alice in Chains play live in some smoky dive club in an abandoned warehouse (or anywhere else, for that matter), and I certainly never wanted to find the "perfect combination of Mel Gibson and Holden Caulfield" because, let's face it, they are both big tools.

Know what other movie I loved when I was in college? "Dazed and Confused." Dude, did you see that movie? How many popular actors got their start with that movie? Jason London as Randall "Pink" Floyd taking a stand against "the man" because he doesn't want to sign a form promising not to smoke marijuana - wasn't marijuana illegal in the '70's? Even as an idealistic college student, I found his rant to be juvenile. Anyway, he was just the straight man to all everyone else - Matthew McConoughy's creepy older guy character was classic in that movie. Another excellent soundtrack.

I have lots of good healthy stuff to share, but I need to go to bed if I'm to get up for boot camp. My kids are watching "Return of the Jedi" right now. Can you imagine how bad Jabba's palace must have smelled?