And I've gained 10.
I am seeing a number on the scale I haven't seen in years. A number I promised myself I wouldn't see again. I'm tired, all the time. The last kickboxing class I attended about killed me, and I haven't been back since, because I'm embarrassed, and it hurt, and I don't wanna. The depression and anxiety are getting worse again. I feel icky, and I sit all day, and my knee is killing me, and last night, I realized my left foot and ankle are really swollen, not due to injury. They're still swollen.
That is what is prompting this post - I'm actually scared about my health.
Like anyone, I have a ton of excuses, and they're valid - I'm worried about family stuff, and I spend a lot of time focusing on them and their mental health. I'm afraid if I leave to attend to my stuff, I won't be around to help them (I realize this sounds illogical, and a bit martyr-ish, but it has played out that way several times, and now I'm scared). Softball has take over our lives, and this past week, I literally have not been home - I leave at 6:30AM for work, and get home at 11PM to go to sleep. I'm not really getting enough sleep, which is hurting my energy. Weekends are spent at softball tournaments (and I enjoy it, don't get me wrong, but time consuming). I haven't had time to prep food, and I work full time, and so I'm grabbing crap to eat. Work is stressing me out. My house is embarrassing - I take a few minutes in the morning to load the dishwasher, and I washed underwear on Saturday night after softball, but actual cleaning has been an issue. The state of the world right now is making me alternately sad and angry.
I get that this all sounds whiny, and repetitive, as I've said it all before. It's likely why I haven't come here in a long time to say all of it. But the swollen foot is kind of freaking me out. And I kind of want to crawl into bed and cry for awhile, and when I feel this way, it's probably time to make some changes. But I have so little energy. So I guess what I'm saying is, I really need help.
In Nerd Fitness, they call it a respawn - I need that. But I've outlined all the things "I'm going to do" 100 times here - I'm not going to subject you all to that again. And I am at work, so I should probably do some.
So now I'm going to fill my water cup and drink it. I'm going to touch my toes and walk to the back of the office and back. And then get back to work. Please feel free to check in, kick my ass, something - I will take all the help I can get.
Thanks for listening.
5 comments:
Hi Missy! I met you five years or so ago in MOMS club. I have always enjoyed reading your posts because of your great sense of humor, wit, perspective on the world, and ability to write so well. I only know you through a couple brief meetings and what you share on Facebook, but you come across so genuine and honest, which is refreshing. Good luck with your health journey. It’s difficult for all of us to varying degrees. And keep writing! You never know who’s reading and how it may help them, too. Maria Hothem
Missy, I think you should definitely get the foot/ankle swelling checked out, because that can be a sign of things that need to be addressed sooner rather than later. But I'll say that my left ankle swells dramatically in the summertime, while my right ankle doesn't. I asked my doctor about it and she said it's likely the result of three pregnancies doing a number on the veins in my left leg (which is closer to my heart, so it bore the brunt of the additional workload during pregnancy), and that it's not unusual to see uneven swelling like that, especially if you do have varicose veins. Further proof my future as an ankle model was over before it started. ;) But given the possibility of a blood clot, etc., you should get yours checked out, just to be safe. And please be kinder to yourself! I'm sure you've accomplished a great deal of meaningful, wonderful things, personally and professionally, so cut yourself some slack on the housework, etc. Maybe the rest of the household could pitch in more? I hope things start easing up a bit for you soon!
You said the magic words: I need help. Put that Bat Signal out and let me know what you need. I love you and value you and your feelings are not whiny. They're valid and real and you deserve to have the space to address them.
Um, "Unknown" up there is Jen. WTF, Google.
I'm here too, friend. How can I help? Blitz cleaning party at your place? Bi weekly walk and talk meetings? I'm game for anything.
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