Looking up, Making plans

Hey there, ho there, friends.
I felt kind of crappy posting that last post, basically whining without really offering any solutions, but then people commented, and I remembered that I have amazing people in my life. Thank you so much, all of you, for commenting, liking, making me remember I am not alone.

First and foremost, the swollen foot and ankle eased the next day. I rolled out my shin and calf that evening due to the advice of a very brilliant cousin, and I may have had too much salt that day. It hasn't happened again this month. My knees are still bothering me, a lot, and I've stayed clear of kickboxing, as a result. The other day I made a decision to buy a new knee brace so I can at least walk longer distances with less pain. That should come in today (thank you, Amazon Prime), so positive step there.

I finished a book yesterday. I was uber motivated to write this after I finished, and I kind of wish I had, as I was feeling all eloquent and shit, but I'll do my best. The book was called You Are a Badass, by Jen Sincero, and it is about...well, pretty much what you would assume it was about. A kind of "mind over matter", "if you want something badly enough, and decide you will get it, you will," (in her words.) A kind of less spiritual, more tough loving "The Secret." I listened to it on audio, as I generally do for self-help, and her voice was kind of grating, and she pronounced "etcetera" as "eck-setera", which made me want to punch something. She posits that those great, positive things we want resonate at a high frequency in the universe, and that, in order to attract those things, we need to raise our own frequencies to match those other high-frequency things and people. It was kind of funny, listening to this straight-talking, tough love chick spout such woowoo stuff, but...but...the book kind of did resonate with me. Because when you got down to it, she was just saying that you have to make things happen, and if you truly believe you are worth it, why not make those things happen?

I still admit I'm not sure what I want to do with my big beautiful life, but I do know what I want to do with my big, beautiful body, and that's get healthy. And so I am. I believe I can, and I am. I've made plans, and even figured out how people can help (people are always looking for "accountability partners," and I've never figured out how to effectively use one until now.)

So, here's my plan.
First and foremost, I have cut out pop. I have done this before, and I never should have gone back, but whatever, I did. I had my last delicious Pepsi last night at 7:30, which is probably why I couldn't freaking sleep, and I will not allow myself any more, although I am allowing myself the sparkly water-drinks because I like fizz. So, yeah, no more pop.

Second, I wrote out my workout plan for next week in my bullet journal, in ink, darn it, and this is where my accountability partner, whoever you may be (Katie, Jess?) will come in, as I will be sending my weekly plans to you on Sunday night, and I need you to check in with me every day to make sure I did it. I am very good at keeping promises to other people; not so good at keeping them to myself. I'll check in here at the end of the week, but I really need daily follow through. I'm starting light, but eventually, when my knee is feeling better, I want to get back to kickboxing.

Third, 8PM is the magic number for two reasons - no more food and no more social media after 8PM. I am not sleeping nearly well enough, and I know sitting on my phone scrolling Facebook at 10PM is not helping me. I can use it to communicate, or to listen to a guided meditation, but no social media or games.
I'd better mark that in my bullet journal, too.

You are a Badass was a good kick in the rear for me - it may not resonate with you, but perhaps my frequency was at the right level :) I have some other thoughts on that, but I'll have to expound upon that another time.

If I start using the phrase "manifesting my dreams," though, you all have my permission to kick my ass.

Well crap.

Six months. It has been six months since I last posted. And those last posts were all about getting healthier. And then in March, I made a promise to myself that I would lose 20 lbs by my birthday in June.

And I've gained 10.

I am seeing a number on the scale I haven't seen in years. A number I promised myself I wouldn't see again. I'm tired, all the time. The last kickboxing class I attended about killed me, and I haven't been back since, because I'm embarrassed, and it hurt, and I don't wanna. The depression and anxiety are getting worse again. I feel icky, and I sit all day, and my knee is killing me, and last night, I realized my left foot and ankle are really swollen, not due to injury. They're still swollen. 

That is what is prompting this post - I'm actually scared about my health. 

Like anyone, I have a ton of excuses, and they're valid - I'm worried about family stuff, and I spend a lot of time focusing on them and their mental health. I'm afraid if I leave to attend to my stuff, I won't be around to help them (I realize this sounds illogical, and a bit martyr-ish, but it has played out that way several times, and now I'm scared). Softball has take over our lives, and this past week, I literally have not been home - I leave at 6:30AM for work, and get home at 11PM to go to sleep. I'm not really getting enough sleep, which is hurting my energy. Weekends are spent at softball tournaments (and I enjoy it, don't get me wrong, but time consuming).  I haven't had time to prep food, and I work full time, and so I'm grabbing crap to eat. Work is stressing me out. My house is embarrassing - I take a few minutes in the morning to load the dishwasher, and I washed underwear on Saturday night after softball, but actual cleaning has been an issue. The state of the world right now is making me alternately sad and angry.

I get that this all sounds whiny, and repetitive, as I've said it all before. It's likely why I haven't come here in a long time to say all of it. But the swollen foot is kind of freaking me out. And I kind of want to crawl into bed and cry for awhile, and when I feel this way, it's probably time to make some changes. But I have so little energy. So I guess what I'm saying is, I really need help. 

In Nerd Fitness, they call it a respawn - I need that. But I've outlined all the things "I'm going to do" 100 times here - I'm not going to subject you all to that again. And I am at work, so I should probably do some. 

So now I'm going to fill my water cup and drink it. I'm going to touch my toes and walk to the back of the office and back. And then get back to work. Please feel free to check in, kick my ass, something - I will take all the help I can get.

Thanks for listening.

*Insert Clever Title Here

First and foremost, it is important to note that this week is Miss Fiona's 1st birthday! Most of you probably live in the area, and so you are fully aware of who Fiona is, but just in case you are not, Fiona is the most celebrated of Cincinnati celebrities - a hippo born too early at the Cincinnati Zoo, nursed to health by dedicated humans, and successfully reintroduced to her parents. All of this was documented on social media, and watched closely by her loving public. She is precious and she is 1! So a very happy birthday to Fiona!

What else happened this week...my girl and I met a friend of mine at the library to listen to a Buddhist monk in exile speak. Arjia Rinpoche spoke about his life, his work, and Buddhism, the horrors of the Cultural Revolution under Chairman Mao, and the repression of Tibetan culture now. He is the director of the Tibetan Mongolian Buddhist Cultural Center in Bloomington, Indiana. I don't care for Indiana myself, but I would be willing to visit for this reason. He was very interesting, and even my daughter, who is much cooler than I am, enjoyed it.

Okay, onto progress this week. I don't know how I'll document this from week to week - for today we'll just go in bullet points, so as not to blather on for hours.

• Eating better: I have documented every freaking bite I've taken for 1 1/2 weeks now, and I've been very good about my water intake - at least 80 oz a day.
• Moving more: I did very well for a bit - starting last Wednesday, I worked out at least a little every day for 5 days. I did kickboxing Wednesday, Saturday, and Monday, Nerd Fitness workouts Thursday and Friday, walked a little each day, and a yoga session on Sunday. Since Monday, not so much. It's been cold, and I've been tired, and have all the excuses, but I am going to kickboxing tonight, and I plan to do a NF workout tomorrow (the Girl and I will be at a volleyball tourney, so I will have to do this later.) I need to start developing the early exercise habit again, I think, as I am more likely to get it done. Things come up later, you know?
• Spending less/making more: I did not order anything this week. So, that's a win.
• Rest/relax/enjoy: oof - I meditated the first two days, and did not continue. So, that's two out of seven - let's aim for more.
• Stop procrastinating/make consistent progress: Well. I'm updating, and it's been a little more than a week, but not much. So we'll go partial win. I did post some fun, tomato-face pics to Instagram. That was fun.
• Organization: I have been updating my bullet journal. Even added a few collections.

Gimme the loot!

Oh, Blogger. Why won't you let me do what I want to do?

• Engage more deeply: I visited my mom, my sister, and met a Buddhist monk.

I'm still working on getting my voice back. Still in and out, but much better.

Alrighty, action plan for this week:
Same exercise plan as last week
80 oz water
Keep logging the food
~Plus~
No Freaking Gas Station Snacks! Since I shouldn't try building a negative habit, we'll go with: I will bring a small snack and a bottle of water with me each day in the car so I don't feel the need to stop to get snacks.
Meditate, at least 2 minutes, each day.
Plug phone in by 9PM each night

Gotta go - kickboxing calls!

Ahhh, the beloved resolutions post...

2017 sucked my big toe. I declare 2018 to be the "Non-sucky Year of Missy!"

Remember how I used to post resolutions every year? Like, I was really into them. The last "goals" post I wrote was 2014, and I started it talking about the previous 7 years of resolution posts, and how I wasn't going to make them that year, because I was not really disappointed with myself. I was in a pretty good mood that year. 

The thing is, I don't make resolutions because I'm disappointed with myself. I make them because, honestly, I find them kind of fun to make. I suppose the fact that I am still obese and living in a messy home says I miss the point of "resolving" to do something, but for crap's sake, life is too short to beat yourself up. As I've found this year, too much else is waiting in line to kick the shit out of me; I don't need to wait in that line to take a turn. I just need to be kind to myself. So today I am going to write about my goals for this year, and each one of them are going to be ways I am going to be kind to myself. They are not going to be written out as actionable goals in organized, cohesive steps. They are not going to be written out as measurable goals, with timelines. I am smack dab in the middle of review time for my staff, and I have no desire to double the efforts here.

(continued, several days later. Hey, don't judge me!)

I went to the doctor this morning. I've been sick - the upper resp crap people have had. I've been sick for about three weeks, but it has gotten worse, and I have had no voice for over a week, which is very sad for a chatty sort like me. So, went to the doctor, asked for 'roids, looking forward to feeling better. Which leads me into the rest of the post, as one of the reasons I want to feel better is so I can work out again. 

I just read a few blogs over lunch, and three posts I read today from three separate blogs were extremely inspiring. 

1. The first was one of my emails from Tammy at Organize Yourself Skinny: it was kind of a tough love, quit the excuses and just do it email. It was a good way to start the day, especially since I was kind of feeling sorry for myself , feeling all sick. 

2. The second was the post on weight loss resolutions from Katie at Runs For Cookies: there were several little nuggets of brilliance there, but the two that stuck out to me were "make the single change that has the largest impact." She was a binger, and she knew that was what was holding her back, so she stopped binging - a single, simple change with a huge impact. And she repeated, simple does not mean easy, it's not going to be easy, but it is one, simple change. I know my biggest change will have to be food related - I eat too freaking much. I'm not entirely sure how to boil that down to one simple change. Hopefully I'll figure that out as I write this. The second thing she wrote that inspired me was "Get it over with!" Advice someone else had given her - in the number of years I have had "lose weight" on my resolution list, I could have lost 400 lbs. It's not going to be easy, but I can mark it off my to-do list, start feeling better, and stop stressing about my health if I just do it, for crap's sake. 

3. Finally, the Tiny Buddha post from January 4 discusses "How to Thrive When Your Life Feels on Hold." The whole post (like most of them) is pretty fantastic and has a lot of excellent advice. In her case, she is describing the holding pattern she was in when she moved to Canada with her husband, and was waiting for her residency to arrive so she could start her career. It was frustrating, and she felt stuck - until she changed her perspective. But it speaks to the experience of a person who has been unhealthy and unhappy her whole life; that feeling of waiting until you are at the right weight to actually have a life, find a passion, do something fantastic. And, that feeling of waiting until the "right moment" to lose weight - January 1, when the weather is warmer, when you have the money to join the gym you like, etc. I am the perfect example -waiting for the right moment to get healthy, you probably could have lost 400 lbs, run a marathon, written a vegan cookbook in that time. Something will always come up. Which just circles back to "Get it over with."

This year's bullet journal - the annual calendar section. I included goals for the year in there, including pet more dogs, because that is an excellent goal for the year.

Sometimes I get down on this whole get healthier thing because I am 42, and half my life is gone, and I should have done this years ago, and what's the point now. So I have adjusted my reasons from "I want to look good and be a good role model to my kids" to "I want to feel good, and be able to do the things I want to do for as long as I want. I don't want to have to rely on others to be able to have fun or have an interesting second half of my life. My brain feels better when my body feels better." That last point may sound rather juvenile, but that doesn't make it any less true.

Gretchen Rubin (the Happiness Project chick) divides resolutions into seven categories, so I will use that as my framework for resolutions this year. Otherwise I tend to go on for months.

Gretchen Rubin's "Essential 7"
1. Eat and drink more healthfully: eat more vegetables, drink more water, eat reasonable portion sizes, plan and prep meals, decrease sugar, most importantly, stay away from the gas station snacks! These are ways I need to improve my eating habits this year. I'm not sure exactly how to divide this up into actionable and reasonable steps, so I will follow my Nerd Fitness Academy and Organize Yourself Skinny framework, and start by logging my food for the next two weeks. That is easy enough, so I'll add in drinking 2 full tumblers of water at work every day.

2. Exercise regularly: I have been adding more movement in - my friend L and I found a kickboxing class we really like, and I want to make sure I get to that at least once a week. That will become more difficult as softball season gets busier, and I will have to add other workouts in. I have my Nerd Fitness workouts I have not been doing, and I can do those from home. Add in walking outside or on the treadmill, and the occasional yoga class, and we have a good start. So, 1 kickboxing workout a week, 1 yoga workout a week (class or online), NF workout 4 times a week before work, walk 5 minutes a day (on purpose) plus walking with a friend or on the treadmill twice a week. Occasional trying classes with friends, going to new gyms, etc bonus. This is all flexible, but the idea is to move a little each day.

3. Save and spend wisely: I have an ugly Amazon habit, I like to buy presents for people, shopping is therapeutic activity for my daughter and me, and I feel like I need more control over my finances. Hence, I will stay off Amazon unless it is for a specific need (the library is a wonderful place), stay away from the morning snack buying, actually look at my expenses and figure out my unnecessary spending. I do a lot of it, and I could save a lot more if I fix that silly spending.

4. Rest, relax, enjoy: I really do want to work on developing a meditation habit. I say this a lot, and this is a good place to put it. Meditation truly helps my anxiety, I will start with 5 minutes every morning. I would also like to take up a productive hobby - crochet? I have done it before, but I need help starting again, as I don't really remember the steps.

5. Stop procrastinating, make consistent progress: Ha! This kind of goes into all of this. But I will add to the not procrastinating the rest of these habits, to update this blog once a week with my progress on all of this. Specifically the health. Be prepared, loving readers, I will inundate you with life updates. You excited yet?

6. Simplify, clear, organize: keep up with my bullet journal. Ooh. That was nice a simple.

7. Engage more deeply -- with other people, with God, with yourself, with the world: Okay, let's add the meditating here again. Also, I want to keep up with my out of town family and friends more regularly (be prepared, Alison J,) and as the weather warms up, I'd like to try to get in a hike here and there. I like outside. I should go there occasionally.

Okay. So.
(Does that irritate you as much as it does me? The "okay, so" thing? I have actually heard educated, intelligent scientists on NPR start their every answer in an interview with that phrase. It sounds so reluctant.)
Anyway, this has gone on for a long time, and I will try to break it down more and be more concise with my actionable steps as time goes on, but here is the gist of the 2018 Resolutions of Missy:
1. Eat better
2. Exercise more
(surprised yet?)
3. Spend less
4. Meditate and relearn to crochet
5. Blog weekly on all this
6. Keep up with the bullet journal
7. Keep up with friends and family out of town, meditate, hike

We'll chat more later. Gotta do other productive stuff.