Saturday, March 10, 2012

The Search Is On.

A full month since my last post. Which is sad for a chatty girl like me - most of the time I just can't shut up.
The last time I posted, I was talking about the fact that my panic attacks were rearing their ugly heads, and that I was looking for a mental health practitioner of sorts to talk to - something I should have done a long time ago. I started seeing a guy in my area (I actually tried to make an appointment with his wife, but he runs the practice, and he thought he could help me better.) We had 4 sessions, but I did not feel comfortable with him. In fact, I kind of thought he was a jerk. I liked that he wanted me to meditate, but he answered his cell phone in the middle of a guided meditation and laughed about it, he was never on time, and he told me that my use of medication was no different that an alcoholic who needs a fix. Don't get me wrong-I am totally open to the idea of going off medication at one point, but one of the problems we were discussing was my lack of self-esteem. Does telling me I'm no better than any other addict really do anything to help me with that? Anyway, I am trying to make an appointment with another person, but we are having trouble connecting. I'm going to give it another week - if we never get a chance to talk, I'll start the search again.
I'm actually kind of glad this whole thing happened. When I asked people about finding a therapist, so many told me I might need to see several before I found one I liked. This, of course, just fueled my lack of confidence - how did I know? The first 2 sessions I spent looking at the guy and wondering if he was right. I'm glad he made some pretty obvious mistakes - because I didn't trust my own judgment.
Which leads me to the brunt of my issues lately. I am having some major problems making decisions lately. The Girl was coughing last week, and I questioned myself over and over, wondering if I should take her to the doctor again. What if she got bad again and ended up with pneumonia? But our insurance is not great, and the deductible is high, and if she just has a cold...I have no confidence in my own judgment - especially regarding parenting issues. This kind of distrust causes complete paralysis - I don't make decisions, because, what if I make the wrong one? The Girl is fine - her allergies are acting up, and she is very stuffy, causing her to cough from the drainage, but this is affecting so many of my decisions - small and large. Especially if the decision may cause money to be spent.
I wonder if my lack of confidence stems from my employment status right now. I'm subbing for the school district, and I'm doing it pretty part-time, not bringing in much money. You would think these confidence issues would cause me to not spend money at all, but that isn't the case. It just makes me anxious about any kind of car upkeep, medical costs, etc.

Ugh. I'm a freaking nut.

I'm going to get some pictures uploaded, and I'm going to post some good "what's up in our lives" type posts, probably tomorrow. I have realized in the last few months, however, that my mental illness is a major part of who I am, and as such, should be a part of my occasional posts. I am a woman, I am a mom, I am a fabulous goddess-type (grin), and I am a woman living with depression and anxiety - and there are a lot of you out there. I hope that, while my own posts can sometimes be rather self-centered and whiny, it reminds those of you dealing with these issues that you are not alone, and maybe something I do may help one of you, as well.

Blessings, and stay shiny my friends.

4 comments:

chocolatelocs said...

Missy, I enjoyed reading your blog. I think it's very brave of you to put it out there like that, and confront your inner ramblings with everyone being virtual bystanders. You are definitely on the road of inner healing. You've set your intentions out there to quiet the inner noise you hear by blogging, taking meds, seeking more help, and admitting that your heart is bruised. It's part of your journey and I'm proud to know a great person who doesn't wallowing in it but is taking it by the horns.

My mom had was manic depressive for as long as I could remember. I remember her taking her meds, off to a psychiatrist with me in tow...it was hard to see her go through the those inner ramblings, and not feeling good enough. I know where it came from , she had family issues growing up. I commend her for not passing it on to me, she just allowed me to be me within "reason" lol she didn't talk much just let me observe the world, and figure out my place in it.lol Idk if that was her strategy but that's how my life has been.
One thing I want to leave you with, and what my spirit has confirmed and still want me to use is....feeling. Allow yourself to feel, go by how it feels. Like your search for a therapist is a feeling. Your feeling about the one's you searched for was right they weren't for you, so you keep visiting until you find the 1 that resonants with your spirit! You'll know the universe will show you.

chocolatelocs said...

Missy, I enjoyed reading your blog. I think it's very brave of you to put it out there like that, and confront your inner ramblings with everyone being virtual bystanders. You are definitely on the road of inner healing. You've set your intentions out there to quiet the inner noise you hear by blogging, taking meds, seeking more help, and admitting that your heart is bruised. It's part of your journey and I'm proud to know a great person who doesn't wallow in it but is taking it by the horns.

My mom had was manic depressive for as long as I could remember. I remember her taking her meds, off to a psychiatrist with me in tow...it was hard to see her go through the those inner ramblings, and not feeling good enough. I know where it came from , she had family issues growing up. I commend her for not passing it on to me, she just allowed me to be me within "reason" lol she didn't talk much just let me observe the world, and figure out my place in it.lol Idk if that was her strategy but that's how my life has been.
One thing I want to leave you with, and what my spirit has confirmed and still want me to use is....feeling. Allow yourself to feel, go by how it feels. Like your search for a therapist is a feeling. Your feeling about the one's you searched for was right they weren't for you, so you keep visiting until you find the 1 that resonants with your spirit! You'll know the universe will show you.

hi_missy said...

Thank you for your comment - and for your advice at the end. I have a bad habit of second guessing my feelings. It is excellent advice, and I will be following it.

Sang tu ngoc said...

tai iwin - iwin - tai game iwin