Friday, October 22, 2010

Uh oh.

Definitely a rambling bit of whatnot here - I feel the need to empty out the rubbish bins in my brain - so watch out for banana peels.

I was perusing a bit over at MagpieGirl today. I haven't been there in awhile, so I was reading back pretty far, allowing myself a little blog OD, if you will. She posted an "8things" post in September about "Warning Signs that I am Not Standing in My Own Power" that really resonated with me - essentially because I get those "warning signs" myself. When I am becoming too focused on one part of my life, to the detriment to the rest, I have my own "warning signs" that I am teetering on the edge of a sort of personal "engine failure." Maybe I'm just a bit nuts (nobody is disputing that,) but maybe some of these may sound familiar:

1. I become obsessive - maybe it's blabbing on and on about dietary habits or money or some personal quirk that annoys me - I can't think about anything else clearly which leads to:
2. A distinct sense of "muddled-ness." All forms of intelligent speech leave, I can't write. I honestly cannot see my path clearly. Important tasks get thrown by the wayside because I. Don't. Remember. These are the big gaps during which I do not, cannot blog.
3. A seriously pissy mood. I hate that my brother and husband call me pissy - rhymes with Missy, bad childhood memories. But that is exactly how I feel. When I catch myself snapping at my kids, constantly, that is a blatant sign that I am neglecting some important part of myself.
4. Apathy - "I don't care" "whatever".
5. Constant state of anxiety - my chest feels heavy, I can't get enough oxygen. More exhaustion than normal.

This has been happening lately, more than it should. I keep meaning to map out a routine, some way to not only complete all the tasks I need to complete in a day to keep things running smoothly, but also to compartmentalize the various volunteer tasks into an hour or two a week, fit in family time, and also a little time to work out and read. In addition, I've been neglecting two very important parts of my psyche - my creative self and my spiritual self. I feel these are the two parts of Me that have been throwing me off so much lately - I have made some things for my sister's wedding and for work, but I haven't taken any time to be creative for my sake - my camera remains nestled and unused in it's case, my desk is a mess and just keeps collecting dusty piles. I haven't done any yoga or meditation in so long I've forgotten what it means to "quiet my mind", and forget about God. Haven't given that search a passing thought in more than a year. But my spirituality has always been so important to me, even in the unformed, lump of clay-like state that it has been in these past few years.

I have to wonder, why am I having so much trouble organizing my time and mind-space? Most people work outside the home and manage to live their lives without going crazy. I don't expect I'm going to find "balance" perse - that is, I think, an overrated concept. I imagine certain times certain different aspects of my life will thrive at the expense of others. I guess I'm just looking for ways to "de-muddle" my brain. I'm definitely open to suggestions...

1 comment:

del said...

Hi Missy, I've read your article, and finds it quite interesting. You see I have days like you've wrote,Confusion, I am getting off my head, snatching at the children I hate those days, however, its just a part of life we all have to go through, to know life, to be experience, knowing most things.

In times like those I know its th spiritual part of me that needs tending to, so I just take a closer walk to the Father, the creator of all things, who helps us in such times of needs.All the best, I enjoyed your article!!