I'm here...sort of

Hey friends. I'm struggling. Embarrassed by my lack of commitment and focus. Using food as a crutch, and unable to excavate myself from the pit. Not really in despair, not even feeling particularly depressed. Just stressed. A little low. Weak.

A part of this, I think, is I've allowed a little extra stress to interrupt that momentum I was building. I let those healthy habits I was working on lapse. And I don't have the energy to motivate myself. And I'm embarrassed by having to come here again to say, "hey guys, I really want to tell you I'm succeeding, but I'm acting like an 11 year old around food, and haven't been to the gym since last Monday. On top of that, I can't freaking fall asleep at night, which means I'm tired come morning, which means I make poor food choices, and don't go to the gym." Yup, struggling.

But then I think, Missy! Stop that! These people are your friends, your supporters, your confidantes! They would never judge you, for crap's sake! They will say, "hey! we have your back!"

So I'm posting, even though I'm struggling, because maybe you are too. And maybe we could motivate each other.

Also because a sweet friend of mine asked me a question a few weeks ago, and I never answered it because it needed a little extra thought and attention, and it was an interesting question, and then I thought I might write about it here, because, who knows, someone else might be interested. She said "You're so open about who you are and issues you are dealing with. How do you do that?"

First of all, I was so grateful for that question. In all honesty, what she sees as "openness", I often see as self-centeredness. For crying out loud, no matter my motivation, I come on here to talk about myself. How self-centered is that, right? But, the fact is, I am not actually talking about myself because I think everyone wants to hear about me. I talk about my struggles, my issues, and the stories of my life because I want to connect with others, and maybe my own struggles will make someone else feel less alone?

That's why. But she asked how. So, I've always been talkative. Anyone who knows me knows that. And I've generally been pretty open. I think a part of that is because my parents have always been pretty open with me, and have generally allowed for my opinion. But I've not always been honest.

And gah! Now I know why I wanted to write this today. (another Tiny Buddha post) How Letting Go Of the Need to be Special Changed My Life I was reading this today, and to be clear, this is not exactly what the post was about. The author and I are two very different people. I have always been a pretty freaking average person. My grades were decent, but not stellar, I've never been drop-dead gorgeous, a fantastic athlete (or any type of athlete), a good artist...just, an average person. Also, I've never been a perfectionist. I've never claimed to be one, either, but I've wanted to be seen as interesting, and I always felt that I would be more interesting if I excelled at things, or did interesting things that required a great deal more perfectionism, I think. Maybe I'm just too lazy to be a perfectionist. I don't know. Anyway, so I made things up to make myself seem more interesting. Not all the time, and certainly nothing important enough to cause trouble (I never pretended to be a doctor and then refused to help save a whale, for instance,) but enough that, looking back, I am ashamed and saddened by my own stupid lies. For instance, I was in the Army Reserves from age 19-27. I did my AIT training (training for my job, which was a print journalist) at Fort Ben Harrison in Indianapolis, right before they closed the post. There was another soldier named Dan, who was in the Broadcast Journalism program, on whom I had a rabid crush. He was a perfectly nice person, who never expected anything other than a nice friend, but I was positive that if I was more interesting, he would fall head over heels. So I lied about so many stupid things, everything from the ridiculously unnatural shade of red being my natural hair color, to the fact that I had years of professional massage therapy training (I did not), to my stories about the professional stage that I never was on. Honestly, I was only 19, and he probably knew there was no way I had had time to do all of this. I couldn't seem to help myself, though.

This continued into my 20's - with other moms, especially; people I desperately wanted to connect with because I was so unbelievably lonely as a young mother. I couldn't find much in common, so I made things up. Not quite so ridiculous as in my teens, but silly, stupid fibs, or omissions - I love sushi, for instance (can't stand it), or I finished college (which I still haven't, although I do really want to.) Pathetic, I realize, but I wanted so desperately to be Special. Interesting enough for people to want to be my friend (except, thankfully, for my husband. I've always managed to be more or less honest with him. He would see through my lies and call bullshit, anyway 😉)

I hit my mid-30's into my 40's and I don't know what happened. I just...stopped lying. I've continued to want to connect to others, but maybe I have  a strong enough circle, maybe I've just gained some perspective, and my self esteem is no longer that sucking pit of despair it was in my teens and 20's, and I realize I don't have to lie to make myself interesting. Either people find me interesting or not, and I can't really control that, and that's alright if people don't like me. I have strong, amazing, supportive people in my life, more than most people, and I am thankful for those I have.

Anyway, so there you go - I am open and honest about my struggles because lying is dumb, because they might help someone, because it definitely helps me, and because I have wonderful people in my life willing to listen.

Well, hello there!

Oops, let it go more than a week. I only exercised 2 days last week. That is certainly not going to get me where I want to go, so I promised myself I would start another habit-building streak for this week. I walked with my little sister at a very lovely park Sunday. It was gorgeous. And after we crossed a foot bridge, K stepped in a hole and twisted her ankle.Because that is what my sweet sister does. (love you.) Then, after moving a bit, she was like, "ok, I'm ok" and we went on to walk a mile or so. Yesterday she went to the doctor for a "severe sprain." Apparently, without the balm of my company, she felt the pain of the sprain. Sorry K. But it really was a lovely walk, if a smelly end. Yesterday was the gym, and today was another walk, as the weather is about to take a bit of a turn.

Food-wise - eh. Ok. I'm tracking it all, but goodness it is not fun to eat less than I want. Not exactly news.

Let's talk about something more fun - books.

There are two books I revisit again and again, and I want to talk about them, because I just finished one of them for the 5th time.

We'll start with the one you all know I love. I read The Handmaid's Tale the summer I was 15 when visiting mi prima favorita in Columbus. She was working, I needed something to read, she handed me this, my life changed (only one of many ways she has been a most excellent influence and all around coolest nerd I know.) I then went on to read everything Margaret Atwood has ever written, and she remains my favorite author (no, I haven't read The Testaments yet, do not ruin it for me!) It started with the language. Nobody describes a room more robustly than Ms. Atwood. I feel every situation, every emotion. Then there was the subject matter. High school was a great time for me to read this; I was just becoming my tree-hugging, idealistic, liberal hippie self, and I was angry! And, even then, when I was going to church and still feeling a part of organized religion, I felt the truth - if there was going to be an overthrowing, an oppression of this sort, it was going to be at the hands of angry white men, using God to hold us down. I still do believe that. I am lucky that I keep joining book clubs who are willing to read this, so I have been privileged to introduce many women to Offred and her world, like my cousin introduced me. One of my most interesting conversations was after the first time I made a book club read it - it was a large group, too - and the conversation at the meeting was pretty freaking subdued. One of the women asked, "really, this is your favorite book? Ever?" I was like, "yeah, you better not hate it, it's a freaking brilliant book." She said, "yeah, but, it's really dark! You're so...cheerful." 

I am cheerful. But I know realistic dystopia when it grabs me by the pu***.

Let's move on to something a little lighter.

I just finished this today - another book I've made 4 different book clubs read, because it is freaking beautiful. I bought it for my son when he was 11 - I heard Terry Gross talk about it on "Fresh Air", the premise was fascinating, and I loved Neil Gaiman. I don't think he read it right away, and neither did I, but I picked it up a few years later, and enjoyed it. Then I listened to the audiobook as read by the author, and it became one of my top 5 books of all time. The story - a young boy is raised by the ghosts of a graveyard after his family is murdered - is interesting, absolutely. But the telling is magical. The characters are deep and diverse, and the boy, Nobody Owens, is a protagonist you grow to care about. Neil Gaiman is one of the only authors I will listen to read his books, because he reads them really freaking well. His love for his characters is evident in every voice. Every time I listen to this book, I sob during the last chapter. In my car. As I drive. I'm sure my fellow commuters are fascinated. I cry because Bod's adventure is just beginning, and I am going to have to live tomorrow without these wonderful characters in my life. Because there are so many good books in the world, and I have to move on, too.

But not forever. I will listen to Bod's story again, maybe next year, maybe a few, definitely if I join another book club. And I will pick up The Handmaid's Tale again, probably next year. I've reread her 16 or 17 times, and I've listened to Clare Danes' reading twice. I've read The Graveyard Book once, but I've listened to the audio 4 times. They are worth every minute (and the money I've spent on two new copies of The Handmaid's Tale; in high school I was not a careful reader.)

My Kindle is done charging, so I am going to go back to this week's ghost story.
What about you? Any books you visit again and again? Share - I am always looking for some new characters to spend time with.

I love the end of Monday.

How many times do you get to say, "No, really, this time I'm serious," without losing friends and cheerleaders?

In my defense, there has been no Culvers since last Wednesday. Not all the choices have been good. I didn't work out at all Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. And last night, I indulged in a remarkable piece of Tres Leches cake that made me swoon, and I did not feel guilty about it, at all. I didn't even get a picture of it. I was too busy swooning. Two of my gorgeous girlfriends and I went to see a play based on the book Alias Grace by Margaret Atwood (swoon!), and we had dinner at Frida 602 in Covington. The play was outstanding, and the food was heavenly, so all in all, not a bad night. Actually, not a bad weekend. Spent a few hours with my sister on Saturday, read a lot, the weather was lovely. Just no workouts, and I ate a bit more than I should have. Tomorrow I meet with the dietitian, and she will give me my new exchanges, which should give me another tool for making better choices. Also, I totally tracked all of those extra bites, which made for an unnerving final diary in MFP, but at least I was accountable.

Today was much better - I stayed on track, and I had an awesome workout. Like felt tired but amazing afterwards. I increased my time on the rower and the treadmill, increased the incline, and increased the weight on my goblet squat. Go me!

I wanted to address something from last week that I never did get to - sometimes I listen to my audiobook, sometimes podcasts, but a really most of my best workouts are to music. But I've been listening to the same basic playlist for years now, and I need help. In the comments, on Facebook, I don't care, please, I need music help! I need a decent tempo, but the songs that get me moving hardest are the angry ones. My favorites today were:

"Sin" and "Hand That Feeds" by Nine Inch Nails
"One Step Closer" by Linkin Park
"Bulls on Parade" and "Killin' in the Name Of" by Rage Against the Machine

Is it possible people avoid the treadmills next to me because I get caught up and punch the air with the beat? Yes, that is very possible. My lifting music is less Rage and more Beastie Boys. But I really need some new music. Please, hit me up with the songs that make you move your ass, get funky, or want to hit things. You see how old those songs are!

I stopped for gas last week north of Dayton and this made me snort Diet Dr. Pepper. 

Did some work today.

Greetings and salutations, friends.
Let's start with the fact that I went to the weight loss doctor. I am disappointed, but not surprised by the weigh in, and because I promised to be honest, here it is:

LW:  276 lb 12.8 oz
CW: 277 lb 9.6 oz
Gain: 0.8 lb

Do I feel good about this? No. But, I do feel good about the visit. First of all, after our discussion, she upped my calorie intake to 1400 cal. She did it because it will still keep me in a pretty significant deficit, and I'm always going over 1000, so why continually set me up for failure. I like it because a.1400 seems like a completely doable, yet healthy number, b.she was proud of all the extra activity, and c. I felt like I won. I didn't even know I was competing. She also told me I don't have to do the nutrition classes if I don't find them helpful (I don't. I feel I could find cauliflower recipes on the internet on my own, if I really want to.) So I will be trying the mindset classes at the end of the month, but in the meantime, I told her I would be discussing my food issues with my own therapist.

I saw my therapist this morning, and I told her I was tired about discussing how I was screwing up my kids, and wanted to address my food issues. She was fully amenable to this, probably because she is sick of my stories about how I'm screwing up my kids. I told her about how I've been consciously making poor food choices over the past two weeks, and as we discussed what was going on when I made the choices, we realized I tend to go for sweets (ice cream) when I am stressed out and feeling overwhelmed, which I have certainly been feeling this past week. Specifically about work. Like yesterday - I had to go to Perrysburg yesterday. First, it's over 3 1/2 hours away. I've already told you how I nosh when I drive. Second, it was not a pleasant meeting. I left feeling messy and sad, and rather incompetent (as a manager.) And I went for Culvers. So we discussed, why would I consciously choose to eat a large, calorie-laden meal, capped off with custard, when I'm trying to make healthier choices, and the answer seems to be that I seek out sweet comfort food when I feel overwhelmed and stressed. It's hella easier to eat a vat of chocolate custard, and enjoy that smooth, sweet, chocolaty loveliness, than to address those issues with my employees, especially when I do not feel confident in my abilities to manage those employees.

We talked about mindfulness when it comes to food (visualizing a stop sign to help me really enter the moment and explore my feelings.) Am I bored, tired, sad, stressed? Am I actually hungry, and if so, could I make a healthier choice, or at least a smaller version of the treat? We discussed building a tool box of activities that might take the place of my boredom/stress eating. It was truly helpful. None of this is particularly new, but actually sitting down and having someone ask the questions...that really helped me process this.

Today was definitely better. Seeing my therapist meant I went to work later, so I went to the gym first, and showered there. Dude, they have really decent showers there! Like the rain showerheads! I love those! I had my soup for lunch, and relatively decent-sized snacks. I am not hungry at all right now, and I will not be eating anymore tonight.

New month means I set some new goals, and we're 3 for 3 so far...
1. Track the food, every day. I've gone back to My Fitness Pal - it's just easier, I feel accomplished when I tap the "Complete Diary" for the day.
2. Meditate, at least 5 minutes, every day.
3. Go to bed with the sink empty and area around it clean.
See, addressing physical health, mental health, and my hot spots, which affects my mental health. And yeah, I know you've all seen the first two goals before - I didn't accomplish those goals, so I have to try again, duh!

Time to get the meditation in. Om...