The state of life as I know it.

Hi.
It's been awhile, no? I looked - my last post was the beginning of April. And, sadly, those last few posts were rather ranty, whiny posts. I felt kind of bad about that, and I felt like I really didn't have much to write about, and on top of that, so many of the important, all-consuming parts of my life have been private enough that posting about them in this public forum was not really appropriate. Those things still apply, but honestly, I've missed writing here, as far as it goes. Sometimes it helps me to get my brain in order, and boy howdy do I need that.

I just used the phrase "boy howdy." I'm not sure how I feel about it, but it's bizarre.

Please don't feel like I only use you to vent. I care about your problems, too, I swear, but I need to get all of this crap out of my head and onto the page, and I feel more productive when I think someone *might read it. Some of it will be vague, as not all the stories are solely mine, but it will explain to you all why I haven't been here, and perhaps, been a little more negative than I ever have.

I started this blog originally as just a place to share bits of my life and family, mostly with family who live elsewhere, but also with anyone who cared. As my kids have gotten older, and haven't been so open to me posting pictures of them and their adventures for the world to see, I started writing about mental health, and then physical health, sometimes both, as I have struggled with both.

This year, I have been dealing with issues with all of these things, and more. In fact, 2017 is kicking my ass as much as 2016 did, and I've just about had enough, thank you. I took today off work to deal with a couple of these issues, and I am so scattered and tightly wound right now, that i just don't freaking know where to start. So I decided to sit down and write it all out, in hopes that it will clear my mind enough to get off my butt and do something.

1. My family and parenting issues.
Here is where I will be the most vague. I need to write it out, but I can't share stories that are not only mine. Know only that every member of my immediate family has struggled with some issues this year, some harder than others. My husband, my kids, my mom, my brother, my sister...and I have this desperate need to make it better for all of them, and I don't know how. And I feel so guilty about the things with my kids, and thinking maybe these things would not have happened if I had been a better mother, more disciplined, more disciplining. Maybe I was too self-involved when I was working out at boot camp and trying to be healthier, and going to book clubs, and having fun, and I missed something, or got lazy as a parent (and I do tend to be lazy as a parent, I know this). What should I have done differently? All I want is for them to be self-sufficient, happy, healthy...and I fear I failed miserably. My husband is sick, there is something wrong with him, and he's been through tests, and they can't figure out what is going on. I'm scared, and I'm hurting, and on top of that, I'm feeling guilty that I'm focusing on my own feelings.

2. My health
My boot camp closed earlier this year. I have gone out for walks occasionally, sometimes gone for a dance fitness class...an occasional yoga class. My eating has gone to shit, and I make commitments to myself, to friends, that I will prep and eat better, and then I buy pop on my way into work, or I develop this bizarre addiction to berry flavored gummy life savers, which have probably ruined my teeth. Not that I would know, as I haven't been to the dentist, and I haven't had blood work done in months. My anxiety levels are through the roof, and I've even had panic attacks here and there. I joined Nerd Fitness a few weeks ago, and I just need to take simple steps and make changes, but I'm feeling overwhelmed, and I just want someone to follow me around and tell me what to do, so I don't have to think about it. Because focusing on it feels selfish, and sometimes, I really really don't want to. On top of it, aside from waking up at 4:30AM again, I'm not sure when I have time to do it.

3. My job
There have been 2 sets of layoffs this year, 1 just 2 weeks ago. My staff is worried, and I have little to know information about anything, so I can't tell them much. We are told to not let the mission of the organization out of our minds, keep at it, doing our jobs, keep up morale, but how do we do that when we don't know anything? On top of that, they cut our facilities budget this year, so we don't have a dedicated facilities staff in our building anymore. The building is extremely old, and the rehab was not done in a logical way, so we have constant problems. The majority of these fall on the Hope Lodge manager, but I have to stay in the loop too, so I can deal with what affects our office. Also, he is not a calm man, and he tends to vent to me. We have leaks and wiring issues, and so many problems with the HVAC system, I want to set up an office for the guys who do the repairs. ON top of this, review time is coming up, I'm having issues with another office I manage, and the managers up there keep asking me "what are you going to do about this," when I honestly don't think there is anything I can do. It's draining.

4. State of the Union
I try very hard to keep my opinion to myself (online) when it comes to politics. There is always a chance I may need to look for a job, and I know prospective employers social media stalk prospective employees. (this is a thing, people, pay attention to what you post.) But I pay attention to what's going on, and I have opinions. Our current government has no compassion, no humanity. And so many of my fellow citizens have decided that is the right idea. The state of our country is freaking me the hell out.

5. Misc.
My house is a wreck. I'm sure there are repairs that need to be done, but I don't know enough about houses to even know what those things are, unless something catastrophic actually happens. It's so messy and dirty, and I'm lucky I keep on top of the laundry and dishes. My car is leaking transmission fluid, and I do not have high hopes that this is a simple or cheap fix. I've already had to replace the radiator and shift box this year, and I hoped desperately for at least another year on it. But if the transmission needs to be replaced, I'm going to have to get another car, as this one has 208,000 miles on it, and is not worth it. And it's almost Christmas, and I'm worried about money, and everything else, and why does it all happen at once?

This past weekend, I went up to Chicago alone to see my family. Yes, I should have taken my kids so they could all see each other, but I needed to get away from everything. It was a wonderful visit. I love staying with my dad (it was for his birthday party;) I feel very peaceful and calm when I'm there. I'm a very lucky girl to have been able to escape for a couple of days, and to see so many of my wonderful siblings and their children. I'm lucky to have a family I truly enjoy being around. I'm lucky I have a warm and safe home I can allow to fall into disarray. I'm lucky I am healthy enough that I can exercise, and tonight I'm attending my first kickboxing class in almost a year. I'mexcited about that. I'm lucky I have my parents, and that they love me. I'm lucky that, even while I stress constantly about my kids, they are intelligent and decent people, and that they genuinely seem to like being around me.

I realize I am a lucky person, and that I lead a pretty charmed life. I've just been living in crisis mode for the past year, at a low level of constant anxiety, and it has drained and strained me to this point of confusion and overwhelming angst. And I need a little love.

So, I am going to push publish on this post, even if it is a bit self-pitying and bitter. I am going to change over my laundry, I am going to put some transmission fluid in my car, and drive it to the auto shop. One foot in front of the other. And if any of you decide to comment, please be kind, be compassionate, and give a little love. It will help, both of us. And I will always do the same for you.