Wednesday, December 31, 2014

"Write it on your hear that every day is the best day in the year." Emerson

I just went back through the past 7 years of New Year's posts.  Seven years of what I want to change about myself.  I tried, very hard, to treat myself nicely in these posts, and even frame them with "it's all for you" language.  But let's face it, in each post I am saying, "I don't like you, I don't like the person you are, let's outline what's wrong with you and then, next year, when you are the same person, berate you for still being the same person.

No wonder I need therapy.

This year has been interesting.  It hasn't been an easy year, by any stretch.  I'm busier than I've ever been.  Some of my favorite people have moved away, and I miss them so much, it aches.  My kids are both adolescents, and not easy ones, at that.  My house is a mess, I'm still overweight, and we still have debt.

So, why am I not more disappointed with myself?

So, as a change of pace, I'm going to outline some of the good things that have happened this year, and talk about how I am going to keep the good stuff going...

1.  I'm busy because I got a good job, and I think I'm pretty good at it.  Also, my girl is pretty good at sports, so I'm driving her all over the place to do the sports.  This also explains the messy house and disorganization.  I am working on decluttering a little more, which will help with the cleaning and the organization.  Otherwise, I'm working on learning my job better, being a better manager, etc.  It's exciting.
2.  Every year I talk about how much I want to be a better parent.  I don't know that everyone thinks this way, but I don't think I will ever think I am a good enough parent.  I started young, really did not know what to do discipline-wise, and I've never known how to fix it.  I also have a bit of a lazy streak, and I am pretty sure I've shared that with at least one of the kids.  I love them, though.  I'm pretty sure they love me.  I'm hoping that will be enough to make them productive members of society.  I like to have little dreams, though, about what changes I would have made if I had known more - I read a lot of blogs (and if you know me well, you probably laugh at this) - the simplicity, homesteading-type blogs.  And I think about raising my kids out in the woods somewhere, no television, back to the basics, simple living, homeschooling-type parenting.  But in this dream, I'd have to rid myself of the husband, and my computer, and a lot of other things I rather like (the husband because, no matter how much he does not like people, he does like comfort.  And television.  He loves television.)  Anyway, that's a fun little fantasy.
3.  I'm overweight.  Heck, I'm obese.  And I'm working on it.  Hard.  I've talked a lot about that here.  I've found something I love, and I want to keep at it.  It has helped me on every level - physical, mental, emotional.  I have goals and ambitions involved now.
That is the big picture.
I am breaking my goals down and making them achievable and monthly.  I will share them with you, but not in a big, resolution dissertation.  Most involve planning, and I would like to share them weekly.
Did you know, if you type "fierce" into Google images, you get a lot of pictures of tigers?  I have adopted that as my new word, and I have been taking that word, and making it work for me.  I realize, I am late to the party - you all had this word years ago, but, well, if you've been with me for the long haul you know, I haven't been feeling so fierce.  These past few years have been tough, mentally.  It is only these past six months I'm starting to like myself.  I don't feel like I'm weak and foolish anymore.  I'm feeling strong, capable, and fierce.
There is still plenty to be changing.  Nudging.  We are all a work in progress.
But.  But but but...maybe those changes are not so very all encompassing, massive personality changes.  Maybe they are just tweaks to an already pretty okay person.

alrighty.  This ended up being more a "merry wander through the rocky landscape of my mind" than a concise list of resolutions.  Dude, seriously, you are reading a blog called "Heedless Ramblings;" you get what you paid for.

Happy happy New Year, and may our 2015 be even more fantastic!

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