A new beginning?

Wanna hear something funny? I started this little space in March of 2007. 12 years ago, different people in the house, different furbabies :(, different places in my relationships and life. My kids were little (the girl was only 4!), I was teaching my sister to drive a stickshift, my son to write a paragraph, and occasionally babysitting. Now my kids are grown and THEY know how to drive, my sister has been married and raising a kid, I have been working for this organization for a good long time...but still same house, same husband, same health struggles...which I have tried to deal with here for all 12 of those years.

I have not pointed out the obvious - yes, I know it has been more than a year. It has been a very hard year. The primary struggle has been massive and emotional and so so so heartbreaking, and it is pretty all-encompassing. Again, it is not my story to tell; it involves the severe depression of someone I love dearly. She is strong and resilient, and she has been working through it, but it takes a lot of energy, and very little I can write about here. That said, when we are struggling, it is very difficult to focus on what seems less important - a clean house, my job, my own health.

Things got pretty bad in February, and continued to suck, and then my mom went in for open heart surgery, and all the fun that resulted from that (she is doing well), and then I took someone to the cardiologist for an appointment. That cardiologist told my friend they needed to lose weight, and to go see the St E weight loss people. And then said it wouldn't hurt me, either. Oddly, my feelings weren't hurt. I've been seeing cardiologists with my mom since I was 14 - they talk straight and don't pull any punches. Or they're assholes. Whatever. I guess if I was treating people for problems that are primarily caused by completely avoidable poor lifestyle choices who rarely take the good advice, I'd be a little caustic.

Anyway, I went to the St. E weight loss people. I figured, if someone is telling me what to do, I'll do it. Because I keep my promises to other people. I've said that here, before, many times. All those many times I've started again. Yeah, record? Meet roundhouse kick (cuz, broken record, get it? I know, if I have to explain it, it's not a good one.)

So they have me on 2 meal replacement shakes a day, and 1 meal. It is really low calorie, and I don't like the shakes. And I freaking haven't been keeping those promises.

The thing is, I really am motivated to do this! I want to go back to kickboxing, so badly, which I can't do at this weight, as it hurts my knees. And eating the way I have the past couple of years is making me so sluggish and tired and gross. I can still move and work, my numbers are not scary yet - I want to fix this before I can't anymore. I have a great Big Why (see Nerd Fitness). Obviously discipline is what's missing, and I'm hoping that by coming on here and writing about it, and maybe someone occasionally checking on it, I will do better. I need more than just passive online support and once a week talking to dietitians who just tell me I should add almond extract to my nasty-ass shake. I asked my friend Google to look for in person support groups for weight loss (I don't understand why St. E doesn't have one for people participating in this program.) I've found Weight Watchers and TOPS (I just want the support, not the program), a couple of low carb groups.

Some of my IRL friends - remember 10 or 12 years ago, I decided to start my own group, which met a few times and fell apart quickly because I had no plans? Yeah, I could use that again. What I really seem to need is someone to text me once or twice a day to say, "hey, Missy, make good freaking choices!" "You've got this!" "Meet me at the gym in 20 minutes!" "Drink your nasty-ass shake!" "You are not still hungry, step away from the refrigerator!"  Any volunteers?

So, in the meantime, I have this space. I am going to post here more. You can read it or not, but I need to focus on the health stuff (you know I will have to talk about nerdy things and cats and whatnot, but the health is foremost.) When I did that Whole 30 thing, posting here everyday helped, so maybe I will use it for accountability. If you feel like messaging me some tough love, I am open and needing it. I am happy to accept kicks in the ass and invitations to exercise - I know it comes from a place of love :)

Thanks for listening. I will be back tomorrow. Seriously, I will. In the meantime, I will give you an adorable picture to enjoy.

My guy, Paco. He is an asshole, but I adore him.