Let's make the most of this beautiful day...

Let's start with the fact that today was day 68 of my workout streak. 68 out of 100, and feeling fine. I went a little easy Thursday, Friday, and Saturday this week - my allergies were acting up and I was feeling a little low. Of course, working out harder probably would have felt better, but my 6 week program is over, I don't have anyone expecting me at that gym anymore, and I find it difficult to get up the guts to go to crossfit by myself, no matter how good I feel when I'm done. I need to make some friends there, because it is a little intimidating, even though everybody has been super nice. Tomorrow I have kickboxing there, and I will definitely go and kick off a week to fit harder workouts in. If anyone is interested in trying the crossfit, the first three classes are free. Would love to get a few of you to come to Pound with me on Wednesday, too. In other words, come on guys, come work out with me!

Anyway, today I walked almost 3 miles with my friend Laura. It is so beautiful outside, and Laura is the world's best listener, which was lovely, as I had something happen this week that I have been processing. You all remember we did that Management 360 review last year, and members of my staff rated me on all sorts of things, and one of my staff (confidential) said a lot of very harsh things about me, including that I could be intimidating? And I laughed at that, as I feel I am one of the least intimidating people I've ever met? (it was one of the only things I laughed at - that review was devastating, and it took me some time to process the statements - while they are something to think about and maybe learn something, they were likely the result of a disgruntled employee, based on the comments of my other staff. However. However however. So one morning this week I made a joke about my inability to be intimidating, and everyone got rather quiet. And some of them told me that they could see why someone might see me as intimidating. That other staff who had worked there and moved on had even mentioned this.

I. Was. Blown. Away. I'm still processing this. I brought it up to some friends I am very close to, and they said that while they don't find me intimidating, they could see why someone else might. That I have a large personality, I tend to say what I mean, and I have confidence. That they love this, but that others, who maybe do not have large personalities, might find this intimidating. Which send me into a bit of a nutjob spiral, wondering, what is intimidating? Are these people actually afraid of making me angry, or do they just find my personality too large and annoying to want to be around. Goodbye confidence, right?

Let's explore this a bit. It has taken me years upon years to learn to like myself. I spent my entire 20s and most of my 30s out and out disliking myself! I had no self-esteem, and no confidence. I still don't necessarily feel confident in everything - specifically parenting, I question every freaking decision I make, and in management, which is way too close to parenting for my comfort. But I'm almost 45. I've been me for a long time, I finally have a good handle on who I am, and guys, I kind of like myself. I am a kind person, I love to laugh, especially at myself, and care - about my people, about the world, about life. I like that I know my own opinions, that I believe in equal rights for everyone, that freaking global warming is real, and exacerbated by humans, that I'd rather pay a little extra so everyone can afford their insulin...etc. And that I'm not afraid to discuss politics and religion with people.

Then I start to think about the people who definitely do like me - the people who actually invite me to be a part of not only their, but their children's and family's lives, and enjoy being around me. They are really amazing, cool, excellent people. My friend Laura, who I walked with today? She is one of the smartest people I've ever met, makes me laugh, loves animals, and never makes me feel like an idiot. She enjoys my personality. My friend S? She is a much more quiet and reserved person, but she seems to want me around. And I'm thinking, well shit. If these amazing people like me and want me around, I can't be all that intimidating. In fact, maybe I'm damn likable (and yes, I do still struggle with the whole "not everyone will always like you." Even if I don't much like someone else, I work hard to make sure they like me. That is a personality issue I have never grown out of.)

So, I think I've processed this. It is another lesson for me - that maybe I need to be a little more mindful of how I am communicating, especially at work. I don't actually want to scare anyone, and I do like to be liked. But I also, maybe, need to learn to be a little more comfortable with not always being liked. Because I have a lot of fantastic people who do actually like me, and shit people, I can't be greedy and take all the cool kids for myself!

Goodness I went on here, didn't I? I have healthy stuff to discuss, but that may have to wait a few days. Here is a picture of my food prep from today:

Mason jar salads, daughter's lunches, smoothie kits

Quick side note (maybe not all that unrelated): Have you seen "A Beautiful Day in The Neighborhood"? I'm not a big one for biopics, or serious movies, but this was truly a lovely movie. So often we discover things about people that bother us, but people like Mr. Rogers and Bob Ross? Every new thing I find out just makes them better people. It was a nice way to end a day of deep soul searching.

"I'll be back. When the day is new. And I'll have more ideas for you."