Dancing days are here again...

I'm going to start with news that has had me dancing more than usual today.
I have been pretty freaking lucky for a "morbidly obese" chick. I have few health issues related to weight/my poor habits - sore knees, occasional breathlessness, high blood pressure. Also, my cholesterol has been high for about 10 years now, and every time I had a blood test, I would beg my doctor to let me fix it with diet, as I did not want to go on medication. This year, my doctor told me if I continued to test high this year, he was really going to push me - guess who's lipid panels shows her LDLs to be in normal range?!  That's right, this girl's!

Yesterday was a weigh in day. I have made some poor choices this past week, and kind of expected a gain. I've been making some poor choices over the past few weeks. The dietitian asked what had changed that I have been making worse choices. I have not been sleeping very well, and I'm fairly certain that's a part of it, as exhaustion messes with one's hunger cues. I also have not been tracking, and as much as I hate doing it, it does help me keep a handle on my intake, if for no other reason than I'm eating more mindfully, and it wards off a binge. So we agreed that I would track my intake this week. I think I will also make more of an effort to put my phone away at least an hour before I go to bed. Maybe that is what is affecting my ability to relax at night.

Ok, so weigh in:

LW: 276 lb 1.6 oz
CW: 275 lb
Loss: 1 lb 1.6 oz

If I actually do a better job of adhering to the program, I should be able to get under 270 in the next 3 weeks, and that would be awesome. That is my first big mile marker - I haven't been under 270 in, I don't know, 6 years? The last time I was having constant panic attacks and couldn't eat anything - which, while effective, is not a particularly healthy, nor enjoyable, way to lose weight. Honestly, I'd rather be fat.

I read another really great article in Tiny Buddha yesterday (every time I read the title of this blog, I think of the song "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John, except that when I see the title to that song, I sing it to the tune of "Private Dancer" by Tina Turner. Yes, I know the correct tune to both songs, I can't help what my monkey brain does. Anyway, so I start singing, "so he's a tiny Buddha, Buddha for money, doodoodoodoo" because I never remember lyrics, as we all know.)

Wait. What was I talking about? Right, so it was "What I Did When I Felt Lost and Purposeless" by Lizzy Dean, and it hit a chord. Some of you may remember, I spent 10 years at home with the kids, during the height of the "mommy blogger" days, and so many of those blogs talked about finding your bliss, living your passion. I've talked about it here, how hard it is to find that passion, that bliss. Let's face it, it isn't sitting the reception desk at an office, managing staff in two different offices, supporting fundraising events. I have friends who say being a mom is their bliss, their passion, and that's fantastic, but it is not mine. I love my children - they are interesting and smart and weirdly funny, but I have never felt particularly good at it, and I don't really enjoy the responsibility of it. And I will tell you, during that time especially, I felt a lot of pressure to figure out what my purpose in life was. I had a certain amount of freedom - staying home with my kids, with a husband who was able to support us - to "find myself" if you will, and, well, here we are. I failed at that particular task. I feel I know myself pretty freaking well, but I still have never found a true purpose.

I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before, more than once, maybe even recently, but in this article, Dean doesn't only present a way to live a meaningful life without "living your purpose", she gives you guidelines on how to do it!  She suggests looking at people you most admire, determine the values they most exemplify that you feel lacking in your own character, and improve upon those.

Anchor your life in those personal values, rather than in the elusive "purpose", and you will find meaning! (I still think you should read the whole article - it was really good.) Gah! This is something I can sink my teeth into! I feel like I can determine the values that mean the most to me easily, the character traits I hope people will agree I exhibited when they are crowding around at the enormous bash that is my funeral. I have so many people I admire, so many amazing humans in my life, and I just have to narrow it down to a few values. I don't want to improve myself too much, right?

What about you? Have you found your purpose in life? Do you have a passion for anything? Is this idea as freeing to you as it is to me?

He's a tiny dancer, dancin' for money...