Oof

 I hate being that person (and I'm totally that person) that comes on here, or on social media, or wherever, and says, "this is going to happen, I'm going to do these things and it's going to be awesome."  Because, of course I've been talking about This Time is Going to Work, about organization, about money, about WEIGHT LOSS for 20 freaking years, and then I come here and say, well, so, I didn't do what I said I was going to do, oops, but this time! For sure!

And we get to January 2. And Mom is in the hospital again. And I am stressing about that, and other stuff. And I'm not getting SHIT done. I've gained 4 lbs. My house is...well, not dirtier, but certainly not cleaner. And I woke up this morning having panic attacks. Full blown, heart racing, cold sweat, nausea, can't focus on anything but putting my bra on. I haven't had a full blown panic attack in a few years, so this sucks. And my journal isn't put together, and I haven't started any fabulous routines, and today I'm just trying to do one task after another, because that is all I can focus on.

And I'm sorry I'm coming on here to once again saying, no really, I plan to make changes (I did take the Amazon app off my phone. That did happen.) Honestly I'm really thankful people keep reading when I write here, because today I'm feeling a bit like screaming into the void. 

I did go to the gym. And it helped. I've been working today, completing work tasks correctly. That helps. I tracked my breakfast and lunch, and I've had a lot of water. There are some wins. But today is not a good day in Missy world. I hope to have better things to say next week.

I looked up "drawings of anxiety" and this is generally a lot of what I found, which is really freaking accurate. Although the drawings of Shawn Coss really captured the feelings behind various mental illnesses, including anxiety, depression, and really effectively, panic attack disorder, but looking at them makes me cry, so maybe not today.

2023 Oh my goodness

Well hey there friends! It's been a bit. A lot has happened since we last checked in. Over the last few weeks I've been listening to YouTube videos on life changes - weight loss and simplifying, mostly, and you know, none of these women who do the videos are like me. They're all young moms, mostly, trying to fit it all in while caring for kids or getting dinner on the table - I don't have any of that to deal with, but I'm perimenopausal, caring for an aging parent, working from home full time. I have hurdles, but they are not the same, and I thought maybe I should document all of this I am (planning) to do on Youtube, but that is not something I really think I'd be good at, you all know how I babble, and I've certainly never made a video before, but I am in need of a major self-improvement project and I have this space, so prepare yourself for: 

Missy's Health, Wealth, and Home Overhaul, Extreme Edition

Mindset: I want to preface all of this with I am actually in a pretty good space mentally, overall. I love my body. Considering the abuse I have subjected her to - the overeating, the childbirth, the sedentary lifestyle, she has treated me very well. We get our tests every year, and we are overall pretty freaking healthy. We hike and do crossfit, and lift lots of heavy things. She is strong and fierce and more than a little itchy, which I need to scratch...yeah, so I'm just letting you know, I'm in a good space for this.

But, I am a middle-aged woman who still needs to learn to handle her stress in a healthy way. I tend to eat it. Sometimes in the form of multiple bowls of golden grahams, other times in the form of batches of chocolate chip cookies. My stress tends to like sweets. I have mildly high blood pressure and cholesterol, and I don't love that I take meds for it. Thanks to years of severe arthritis and obesity, my knees have little cartilage and sometimes flare up, making it hard to walk. And I recently read a great quote on Pinterest (I have no idea who said it), "I'd rather be the oldest one in the gym than the youngest one in the nursing home." 

I started working from home full time during the pandemic and while I love it, my brain doesn't deal well with the chaos in the house. Perimenopause is setting in, causing fuzzy-mindedness as it is, and the clutter and mess make it hard to focus. Both kids still live here, and there are 6 fuzzy family members, and everyone has a lot of stuff, including me. I've been helping my mom out more lately, and we've started actually scheduling it, which makes it easier - perhaps routines and schedules will help with my house. I'm going to incorporate some of the basics from the Flylady system I used to use. It helped when I had my daughter, and it is easy to incorporate small habits with the whole "babystep" thing she does.

Finally, I'm going to need a new car, we will need a new roof and furnace soon, and my husband and I have started traveling more. I will be working on spending less on silly things, which will help with the clutter, I'm sure. Ordering online is just too easy, and most of the stuff I order is unnecessary. This bit will probably start after the holidays.

Plan of action: incorporating new habits every week or two, working on them and letting them become habit. Have you read Atomic Habits by James Clear? Some good stuff there, although I'm having a hard time figuring ways to make my eating habits fit with his 4 principles: "Make it obvious, make it attractive, make it easy, make it satisfying." So this week we'll:

Health: Start intermittent fasting, using the 16:8 hour window, so fasting for 16 hours (between 7PM and 11AM) with an 8 hour eating window. For now that's where we'll stick. I started that last night at 7PM. Also moving every day, drinking the water, all that good stuff. This is pretty easy, as I've done it before.

Home: Making my bed every morning. I have never done this, since my husband and I each use a separate comforter, Scandinavian style, and it was a pain to make the bed. I started doing this goofy side by side thing, and I just like the neat lovely made bed, it makes me happy (make it attractive) so we're starting there. I'm also going to declutter a bit each day. Flylady does 27 fling boogie - I'm just going to go with 10 things for now.

I appreciate anyone who wants to read and comment and follow along and whatnot because I thrive when I have friends moving with me. See how I still write like there are thousands of you? But whoever is there and interested, let's do this.

Thinking mad thoughts

So I've been thinking many thoughts today, and most of those thoughts have been angry or sad or both. I've been trying to keep things pretty positive here (the little bit I've posted, goodness, it's been a while,) and I certainly try to steer clear of controversy, for many reasons. But it appears that the stress from our current affairs is actually finally starting to get to me. Trust me, I know how lucky I am to have escaped it this long - as someone who has dealt with generalized anxiety disorder for most of my adult life, I know what it feels like to feel afraid all of the time. I'm not even feeling particularly afraid, per se, it is more anger and frustration. And today, a beautiful day I spent with my birthday boy son and mowing the lawn and petting my cats, seems to have been the worst so far. I've just been so bitter, and I had trouble focusing on work, and I've been muttering opinions while mowing the lawn and showering, and I don't think I'll be able to focus again until I write all this out. You can read it or not, but either way, I need to write about it.

I started noticing I was overbuying at the grocery store. Not hoarding toilet  paper and hand sanitizer, just buying so much food - more than we really need. Some of it was to feed the insatiable snack monster who seems to have taken up residence in my stomach, and that seems to be another sign I'm internalizing the stress of the situation, but whatever, overbuying. Then I was crying at the end of Schitt's Creek, but you know what, I'm not even going to give myself a hard time for that because you know you did too. I've had normal angry reactions to normal irritating things, the white men with their guns at the State Houses, protesting the "infringements" upon their liberty while shouting spittle into each other's faces and not giving a damn that if they had a tint of melanin in their skin, they would have been thrown in jail. Or the women screeching that having to wear a mask in a store is stealing her freedom, like she has ever lived anywhere the government could "disappear" her just for spouting her  loud loud opinions. And not giving a thought to the irony that a small business denying a gay couple a wedding a cake is "religious freedom", but requiring a mask for their own health is taking away her freedom.

This is my mad face.

Then there was the freaking Plandemic video. A few years ago, I knitted a scarf. This scarf ended up being 6 feet long because I had no idea how to cast off. A very resourceful friend suggested I look up how to cast off on YouTube. It was very helpful, and I ended up with a long, very holey, scarf that my cat adopted as his bed for a few years. YouTube has been great for finding fun songs, or good workouts. But I work with researchers. I have some amazingly brilliant friends who are researchers. You know what they don't do? Post their findings on YouTube. It's people like that who start measles epidemics in Suburban Seattle. So I won't watch the video, much like I never lend any credence to an MLM company who starts their sales pitch with "this is what the doctors don't want you to know!" Also, I read a hell of a lot faster than a video talks to me, so I read about it. Those of you who shared the video and are now angry at the people posting rebuttals; you should be angry. You should be f-ing furious, with Judy Mikovits. Because this person is taking advantage of your fear and your anguish over your loved ones to sell books and make money, and every share spreads that misinformation further. I guess the point is, don't trust social media of any kind for the important information. I get the draw of a good conspiracy - I am part of the generation who made Chris Carter a LOT of money by "trusting no one", but let's face it. Usually conspiracy theories are garbage. Your best friend's dad's cousin did not cure her diabetes with the Whole 30 diet.

And most importantly, Ahmaud Arbery. He doesn't belong near the end, but there's just nothing to say. I'm just so angry. Thank goodness the two assholes who murdered him were (finally) arrested. But wow. It's just so freaking sad.

Anyway. So many times the past week or so, if I had a brick handy, I would throw it through my TV. Yes, Marc would be upset. Sure, it wouldn't solve the problem. And now that screens aren't made from glass, it wouldn't even be all that satisfying. Ok, so that probably won't be happening. And there's some other stuff. I don't think I'm sleeping well. I wake up exhausted every day, my neck hurts, and I spend the day thinking about bed, so I'm guessing sleep has been interrupted. Also not helping with the focus.

So this helped. I appreciate anyone who was willing to read it. I need to go snuggle a ferret, and then go to bed. Please stay safe. I love you.

100 days and why I need to work on my twerk

I did not work out today.

I did not work out yesterday, either. 

I moved - did some cleaning, some light stretching yesterday, more cleaning and mowed the lawn today, but no workout. And the past week has been seriously lax in motivation. 

I promised some friends that I would blog a recap of my 100 days, but I feel like so many of you were with me for most of it. It started fairly light - Planet Fitness workouts, walks on the treadmills. I made a short-lived effort at running intervals, but it hurt my knees, so that did not last. Promised myself I would come back to that when I dropped some weight. 

Started the Kickstart program, which included the Sunday/Thursday boot camps. Also started attending Wednesday night Pound/SWT classes. The classes were the best part - Wednesday nights were like a weekly party, with lots of sweat and no hangover. I also realized when I thought I was twerking, I was actually just bending my knees a lot. This looks ridiculous, like a toddler trying to dance, and so I practice a little each day. Yeah. I practice twerking in front of a mirror. Stop freaking judging me, SWAN, I don't judge you for not even trying to twerk! 

Anyway, the Thursday night boot camps were crossfit-based, and hard. Really hard. And I felt so freaking badass when I completed each one. The Sundays were more cardio based, and a little more fun, but the Thursday ones are the ones I miss. We started the "sugar detox" which led off with a nasty headache, and a lot of meat. I missed grapes. A lot. Got through almost the whole 6 weeks, and dropped some weight. I think I've eaten the whole 6 weeks of sugar this past week.

I started hitting the striking/kickboxing classes on Monday nights once the Kickstart program was over, and I missed the boot camps and started going to crossfit WODs. Something I never thought I would do. The people at the box surprised me by being so freaking accepting and motivating - pushing me to keep working and helping me to scale the workouts so I can do them. The coaches pay attention and make sure you are doing the moves correctly so you don't hurt your self. So I started doing 2 of those a week, 2 striking classes a week, my Pound/SWT 1 night, and then walking and yoga on the other 2 days. It was working really well. 

Ooh, I can't skip the yoga - I did 4 weeks of private yoga lessons with this great teacher, Jamie. She pushed me, much harder than I ever push myself in yoga. I've continued to do yoga on my own, and it feels so much better when you are doing things correctly.

And then...quarantine. But between Gabby at SWT Fitness and now www.digitalswt.com and Triple Crown Athletic and their online workouts, and some seriously decent weather, I finished out my 100 days last Saturday with a gorgeous 3 mile walk, appropriately distanced from my friend (not from her dogs, though.) It was a good accomplishment. I felt good about it. Go me!

So I hit my 100 days, which is awesome, but I haven't moved much this week, and hardly at all this weekend.  "But Missy, you silly little minx, why on earth would hitting your goal be demotivating?" Well, friends, aside from the crazy, I guess it's because I need a challenge to motivate me. And I thought I'd just push for another 100 days, and I want to keep working each day for my mental health, but I think I need something new. Having to show up at my classes kept me going for sure, but working out at home is definitely a challenge, and not a happy, driving one. I want to push myself more, for sure, because I'm feeling this week of not working hard, and the past two days of being a lazy butt gorging on ice cream (I did eat an apple last night.) I'm feeling a bit more...excited to move...and yesterday I contacted the woman who ran the Thursday night boot camp that hurt so good, and asked her to put together some boot camps for me to start doing and checking in with her, and she agreed. I think that will help. I want to push myself so I can go back to crossfit and striking and be able to keep up. 

I need to add food to the mix - anyone have any ideas? I know I gained weight this past week, and probably a good chunk. I'd really like to challenge myself to eat better, but I need a friend.

I am going to close out the weekend with Brooklyn 99 and ferret snuggles. Stay home, stay safe, love you.

Quick recap on those who helped me through my 100 days:

SWT Fitness

Digital SWT

Triple Crown Athletic

Jamie at Yoga in Motion NKY

Posting during the pandemic, part deux

Hey chickens, how are you holding up? I'm fine - lucky I still have a job (fingers crossed that continues), still healthy, my friends and family still healthy (knocking on all the wood-like materials). Bizarrely, my mental health is still good. I talked to my therapist last Thursday, and she asked how I was sleeping, and was pleasantly surprised by my "fine." C'mon guys, my anxiety doesn't tend to follow rational rules - I freak out about what might happen, not about what is actually happening.

Again, I credit exercise for most of my calm. While I'm missing my gym, I am still moving every day, and being able to work out during lunch is pretty excellent. I'm having a pile of mulch delivered tomorrow, so I'm going to go out and clean up the beds and prep them for spreading. I'm hoping that my recent activity will make spreading mulch much easier than it was a few years, and 20 lbs ago.

I don't have a ton to share today; I just wanted to check in with all of you, and let you know you're amazing and I'm thinking of all of you. And you are fantastic, just where you are. Steve Kamb from Nerd Fitness sent out a message a couple of days ago about how he's been struggling to be productive during this time, which is funny, because he works from home generally, but you know, things are a little wonky right now and all. Anyway, he quotes author Ryan Holiday:
 “There are two types of time: Dead Time—where we are passive and biding, and Alive Time—where we are learning and acting and leveraging every second towards our intended future.”

This spoke to me today for some reason. I've been working, but really just doing the bare minimum. Exercising, but I really don't push myself as hard as I should. Remember how I ate ice cream for breakfast last week? I haven't done that since but I also haven't been watching my calorie intake at all, and I guarantee yesterday I ate enough to feed a good-sized elephant. My house is where I am all the time now, and I would like it to feel more comfortable and clean. 

Here's where I stepped out of my comfort zone. So, the gym I go to is pretty hard core. It's crossfit, and every member I've met so far is a badass. Like, the coaches have been posting WODs and striking workouts every day, and while I have to scale most of them, the other members have been doing the workouts, and adding extra challenges, and let's run a few miles while we're at it. Oh, and they started a nutrition challenge on Sunday! I tend not to post on the member's Facebook page because it's a wee bit intimidating being the least fit, and one of the oldest, but today, I posted. I posted where I'm at, how I'm feeling, and where I want to be. I don't know if anyone read it yet, but I posted - well I posted a lot, but the meat of it is:

Workouts: at least 2 WODs (my downfall), 2 striking per week (I do other workouts the other days)

Food: Dana's produce challenge (just made a mess of asparagus, yum.)

The reps challenge: I've let things slide, and am not there, but my goal is to be able to do all 100 of each, in a row, by May 1. Also working on my jumping rope - I have bruises on my shins, but I plan to be jumping with the rest of you by the time the gym reopens.

The Reps challenge consists of 100 pushups, 100 situps, and 100 air squats (just squats) a day. I'm not there. So I started today with 10 of each, plus a 30 second plank, and plan to add a few each day. 

I have to go up to play with the ferrety ferrets now. Stay home, stay healthy, love you.

Posting during the pandemic, part 1

The world is crazy right now, and I hope you are all healthy, and dealing with our current situation with comfort and humor. What the hell, right? I've been working from home for the past week, and that has been interesting. The lack of commute has added to my free time, so that's been nice. And I can work in my work out clothes, so I can work out during my lunch. Also nice. I miss my sweet coworkers, though, and my printer, and my routine. And if there is one thing we anxious nutjobs require, it's routine.

So I've been trying to create a bit of a routine here. Sleeping a little later (and that has been lovely,) getting dressed (in workout clothes.) I did realize, during a conference call, that I need to wear a bra for work. They like us to use our webcams. Anyway, I make sure I get my workout each day. That is the most important part of keeping my sanity, which is necessary to the whole household, right? Exercise, endorphins, not shooting my husband...

Anywho, Finnegan has decided to sit on my arms again, making it difficult to type. Silly Finny.

Wanna hear a little something ironic? Remember last time I wrote, I mentioned I had been losing some weight, and if I got under the next big important number, I would get my hair cut and colored? I hit that number! Last Tuesday. The day Kentucky closed all the salons. Yup. Fantastic, right?

But actually it is kind of fantastic, and physically I'm feeling pretty fantastic.

I do need to work on the stress eating, though. I did, admittedly, eat ice cream for breakfast this morning. Which I do very occasionally, as ice cream and coffee is one of my favorite treats. But I won't tomorrow. I am watching my way through Arrested Development, which helps, and I ordered two cross stitch kits. I need to learn something new (I've never cross stitched before; I hear this is an easy skill to learn, and I need to do something creative.)

What are you doing to deal with the stress of our current situation? Love and light to you all. Stay healthy.

What's new pussycat?

A lot is going on in the world, but today I am going to talk about me and my little world. You don't mind do you?

So this is my current situation:

Not one, but two kitties have made me their bed, so typing is difficult. We will power through, however. Finny hurt himself earlier, and so I am spoiling him rotten right now. He deserves it.

Today was day 70 of my 100 day workout streak. I did crossfit - my first real WOD. It was tough. I always said I would rather do an hour of kickboxing than a 20 minute WOD. And that is still the case, but I like to mix it up. And I started doing that boot camp, and the Thursday night boot camps were crossfit-inspired. I found that, as much as I dreaded them, I felt amazing after. She got me to do things I did not think I could do. So I am going back. I figure 2-3 crossfit classes a week, 1-2 kickboxing, 1 night of Pound/SWT, and walking/yoga for the other 2. That makes for a good mix.

Ok, Finny just jumped down, so I can type with both hands now. Last time we talked nutrition, I was just starting the 21 day sugar cleanse. I finished that, and I did hop back on the sugar train, but I will say I learned some things. I tend to get very hungry around 10/10:30, but if I make sure I have a decent amount of protein at breakfast, I can make it until lunch. I hate eggs, so today I made a smoothie with a scoop of protein powder, and that worked. It's kind of high calorie-wise, but lots of produce, including spinach. Easing up on the sugar did cause me to drop some weight, so I am making an effort to continue to limit my intake. I am also...sigh...logging my food. Yeah, I know, that will probably be the best change, but crap, I hate doing it.

I am down 20 lbs from my starting weight, which isn't much considering how much I have to lose and how long I've been going, but I fully intend to keep this off. Also, weight loss, while a desirable outcome, was not my primary goal. My primary goal is health and to keep moving (although my knees are feeling a lot better with a bit less weight.) Anyway, since it is a desirable outcome, and I am awfully close to that next milestone number (I haven't gotten below 260 in 10 years,) I promised myself a haircut and color when I hit 259. Like, for real, not me using a box, color. I've had my long-ass grey hair in a ponytail for 2 years now, and I just don't feel that way inside. I am obviously 26, people, come on! I figure I should hit that number within the next month, which means I'll have my pretty new haircut before my birthday. Yay!

What do you do to reward yourself for hitting milestones?

Finnegan is back, so I'm back to one hand. This is too slow going, so I'm going to snuggle my kitty. Have a safe and pleasant evening.