Thinking mad thoughts

So I've been thinking many thoughts today, and most of those thoughts have been angry or sad or both. I've been trying to keep things pretty positive here (the little bit I've posted, goodness, it's been a while,) and I certainly try to steer clear of controversy, for many reasons. But it appears that the stress from our current affairs is actually finally starting to get to me. Trust me, I know how lucky I am to have escaped it this long - as someone who has dealt with generalized anxiety disorder for most of my adult life, I know what it feels like to feel afraid all of the time. I'm not even feeling particularly afraid, per se, it is more anger and frustration. And today, a beautiful day I spent with my birthday boy son and mowing the lawn and petting my cats, seems to have been the worst so far. I've just been so bitter, and I had trouble focusing on work, and I've been muttering opinions while mowing the lawn and showering, and I don't think I'll be able to focus again until I write all this out. You can read it or not, but either way, I need to write about it.

I started noticing I was overbuying at the grocery store. Not hoarding toilet  paper and hand sanitizer, just buying so much food - more than we really need. Some of it was to feed the insatiable snack monster who seems to have taken up residence in my stomach, and that seems to be another sign I'm internalizing the stress of the situation, but whatever, overbuying. Then I was crying at the end of Schitt's Creek, but you know what, I'm not even going to give myself a hard time for that because you know you did too. I've had normal angry reactions to normal irritating things, the white men with their guns at the State Houses, protesting the "infringements" upon their liberty while shouting spittle into each other's faces and not giving a damn that if they had a tint of melanin in their skin, they would have been thrown in jail. Or the women screeching that having to wear a mask in a store is stealing her freedom, like she has ever lived anywhere the government could "disappear" her just for spouting her  loud loud opinions. And not giving a thought to the irony that a small business denying a gay couple a wedding a cake is "religious freedom", but requiring a mask for their own health is taking away her freedom.

This is my mad face.

Then there was the freaking Plandemic video. A few years ago, I knitted a scarf. This scarf ended up being 6 feet long because I had no idea how to cast off. A very resourceful friend suggested I look up how to cast off on YouTube. It was very helpful, and I ended up with a long, very holey, scarf that my cat adopted as his bed for a few years. YouTube has been great for finding fun songs, or good workouts. But I work with researchers. I have some amazingly brilliant friends who are researchers. You know what they don't do? Post their findings on YouTube. It's people like that who start measles epidemics in Suburban Seattle. So I won't watch the video, much like I never lend any credence to an MLM company who starts their sales pitch with "this is what the doctors don't want you to know!" Also, I read a hell of a lot faster than a video talks to me, so I read about it. Those of you who shared the video and are now angry at the people posting rebuttals; you should be angry. You should be f-ing furious, with Judy Mikovits. Because this person is taking advantage of your fear and your anguish over your loved ones to sell books and make money, and every share spreads that misinformation further. I guess the point is, don't trust social media of any kind for the important information. I get the draw of a good conspiracy - I am part of the generation who made Chris Carter a LOT of money by "trusting no one", but let's face it. Usually conspiracy theories are garbage. Your best friend's dad's cousin did not cure her diabetes with the Whole 30 diet.

And most importantly, Ahmaud Arbery. He doesn't belong near the end, but there's just nothing to say. I'm just so angry. Thank goodness the two assholes who murdered him were (finally) arrested. But wow. It's just so freaking sad.

Anyway. So many times the past week or so, if I had a brick handy, I would throw it through my TV. Yes, Marc would be upset. Sure, it wouldn't solve the problem. And now that screens aren't made from glass, it wouldn't even be all that satisfying. Ok, so that probably won't be happening. And there's some other stuff. I don't think I'm sleeping well. I wake up exhausted every day, my neck hurts, and I spend the day thinking about bed, so I'm guessing sleep has been interrupted. Also not helping with the focus.

So this helped. I appreciate anyone who was willing to read it. I need to go snuggle a ferret, and then go to bed. Please stay safe. I love you.