Day 3

3 days, still going. I didn't get to sleep for various reasons until after 10:30 last night, so I didn't wake up to exercise, so I packed a bag and hit Planet Fitness on my way home from work. I rowed - seriously, 5 minutes and I was wiped. How does something that easy looking hurt that much? Anyway, I did 15 more minutes on the treadmill, then 2 sets of body weight exercises - squats, lunges, pushups, swimmers, crunches, planks. It's crazy how not strong I'm feeling right now. I don't like it. Dude, I was dying in plank after 20 seconds. You'd better believe I will be hurting tomorrow. But I stretched well, and I did it, so there we go. I just need to keep going back. And I need to find my lock - I ended up carrying around my keys and sunglasses because I couldn't find my lock, and that was a little annoying.

Food - I drank my shakes, ate my snacks, and felt ok. Dinner was tasty - I did some meal prep on Sunday - roasted green beans, broccoli, and cauliflower, and cooked chicken breasts in verde sauce in the crockpot. 4 oz of chicken with a mess of the veggies in each container. I microwave 2 little yukon gold potatoes, and eat the whole thing with a tsp of sour cream and a little pink salt - it was really good, and I feel pretty decent. I made 4 of those, so I'm set for the week.

My brain feels a bit fried now, and my people are sitting behind me arguing about a gentleman named Messi and another gentleman named Busquets, and the whole thing is a little distracting. So I will find some fabulously inspiring meme to steal, and leave you with that.

Oh, here's a thing - so I was digging around on the internets, looking for a fun new weight loss blog to read - something inspiring, but funny, realistic, and maybe written by a woman closer to my age. Not that a 20-something lovely doesn't have anything to add, but let's face it, a woman in her 40's has some extra fun obstacles to clear on her way to weight loss. Nothing. I found nothing. Ok, I found one or two, but they were a little heavy on the Jesus, and a little light on the use of the vulgar language and off-color humor. Not exactly my style. I will continue my search, but if you know of any, please let me know.
*I am editing to add: I hopped on Pinterest for a sec and found a blog called Over 40 Fitness, like, right away. I don't know how profane they are, but the site looks promising. I'll let you know.

And in the meantime, I will try to fill the hole. I'll make that inspiring meme chock full of foul language, hold up...nope, couldn't find a good one with foul language - they were actually horribly offensive, so we'll just stick with funny, because this is me at work at lunchtime every day, "who has cheese, who is eating melted cheese in the same room as me!?"

Day 2

Hey there, ho there, friends. Day 2 is completed. I may have overdone dinner a bit (boy made naan - it was really good,) but I followed the program the rest of the day. I have mastered the proper mixture of morning shake with coffee now, and it tastes decent and gets me to 9:30am. Then I start to struggle, so if you are wanting to text me ass kicking texts, between 9:30am and 10:30am, and then again between 2:30 and 3:30 perfect times. Anyway, I woke up at 5:20 and went for a walk this morning - the entire way out was downhill, which meant the whole way back was uphill, so better planning is needed. My goal is to move my wake up time a little earlier as I go so I can start waking early enough to go to the gym in the morning. I miss the rowing machine. I did see two meteors in the sky this morning, which was very cool to a space nerd like myself. I also realized how long it has been since I exercised every time I got up from my desk today - ouch, sore.

I promised today would be a day for numbers. I went to the doctor and weighed in. For the purpose of this blog, we will call this my starting weight (I'm down 5 lbs from the beginning, but...blah blah blah, just spill it, Missy:)

284 lb 12.8 oz

A big number, and a lot of work to do, but I'm game if you all are.

Oh, and I asked the doctor about support groups, specifically for this program, since it would be nice to be able to sit down with a group of people following the same or similar programs and be able to say, "how do you make the nasty ass shake taste better? I find it tastes better with a lot of vodka..." (jk, I'm pretty sure that would be too many starches.) Anywho, the doc said they don't have one, that the only thing available at St E is Overeater's Anonymous, which is a great program, but it is another program, and I just want to talk to people about struggles and ideas and maybe meet someone to exercise. She said it was a very good idea, and they will discuss it. Do you think that is just the doctor's version of "we'll see..."?

K, non-health related, sort of - let's talk about work. I know I have some coworkers who read here, so I won't tell you all the beef. Actually, with that I really am joking, the people I work with are fantastic - that is something I don't have any complaint about. I truly enjoy seeing them at work, but I do wish I enjoyed going to work for more than just the socializing lately, since that is a rather small part of my job. I love my organization, and what we do; I'm just a bit miserable with the day in/day out crazy, starting with the hour-long ride there, dealing with managing staff remotely, the 1 1/2 hour ride home, the buggy new software creating serious hurdles to our ability to gather data, and holy hell do I hate writing reviews. My desk is removed from the rest of the office, it is about 40 degrees up there, and did I mention it takes me 1 1/2 hours to get home? And school hasn't even started. Honestly, I'm tired, and I really would like to figure out a fix for this, as I do care about what I do, and I've built a reputation as a strong employee that I'd really like to keep. I know, I'm lucky to work somewhere I respect, so I'm not really looking for advice (unless you have some, do you?), I just need to rant. Especially after dealing with traffic. I'm fairly certain there are not enough people in the Cincinnati metro area to justify the mass amount of traffic I sit in every day.

I don't have cute pets to share today, so here is a picture of our garden so far this year. The cucumbers are going crazy! Running around, getting into trouble...

This is technically my brother's garden, as he does most of the work, but I do eat a good portion of it. 

G'Night!

Day 1 -ish

I know I've said it before, but I have the best people in my life. I woke up to so many supportive messages urging me to make good choices 😊, talking about exercising with me, drinking my nasty ass shakes...It was such a happy way to start the day, so thank you so much!

I didn't have to work today (also a happy way to start the day), so I slept plenty, then woke up and laced up my shoes and went for a 30 minute walk. Which probably would have been more comfortable had I gone at 5:30am - by 9:30am, it was really hot. I can imagine I made a pretty picture, red faced and panting as I trudged up a hill, streaming sweat (yeah, it was sweat) behind me. Interesting realization after the 4th person waved at me (I know a lot of people, you'd think I was social or something) - I am not proud of my lack of fitness, but I am not an embarrassed exerciser. I know people my size who are so uncomfortable about going to the gym or the track, that they don't go. I never have been. I don't know if it's because all the blood is going to my legs, lungs and sweat glands, with not enough left to make my brain register, or I maybe kind of enjoy the exercise enough not to care, but that has certainly never been my excuse. I've had plenty other excuses, but that was not one of them.

I also took a few minutes to do the Monday exercises from the Fit Girl Guide, which were actually pretty hard, and a little intimidating, and I totally have to make some adaptations, but I did them. Next week starts their next Instagram challenge, which I fully intend to participate in, so I had to give it a try.

My manchild and I had plans for lunch at Mai Thai, so I researched healthiest options at Thai restaurants, ordered extra veggies, and measured proper portions with the measuring cup I stashed in my purse and boxed the rest. It was tasty. Totally made up for the nasty ass shake I drank for dinner. Still hungry 30 minutes ago, I had a peach, 1 vegan chai spiced snickerdoodle from Isa Chandra (so good!) and a cup of ginger tea, and I feel really good today. Tons of water, and I finished most of the rest of my to-dos for today, including schedule pick up at the high school with my daughter, which was not enjoyable, by any stretch of the imagination. Interestingly, apparently I could have sent her on her own, and you better believe I will be doing that next year.

I see the doctor at the weight management place tomorrow evening, so we'll see what she has to say. Probably not much, since I have not exactly "worked the program" most of the past 4 weeks. That's alright, I'm feeling motivated, which won't last but hopefully I'll build some habits while I'm feeling it. I do have to weigh in then. I plan to post it here, which may be more than you all want to see, but I said I want to do this completely out loud, with the hope that it will help me stick.

I did take a pic today, but I posted it on Instagram and Facebook already, and nobody wants to see it again (cool note, though, I posted a sweaty selfie 3 years ago today wearing that very same shirt, my Making Strides Against Breast cancer t-shirt, and by the by, that is coming up soon, so it's time to build your teams and raise some money for breast cancer research...plugging my organization a bit...) So I'll tell a quick non-health related story and post something downloaded from the internet that is not mine to give you something fun, possibly informative, and colorful. I hadn't seen one of my best guy friends in ages because he is a BUTTHOLE and is always too TIRED to hang out (love you), so he asked me to go see the new Tarantino movie with him yesterday. AS many of you know, I am of the Pulp Fiction generation, and I have a soft spot for Tarantino movies, so we went. First of all, if you know anything about Tarantino movies, you know they tend to be violent and rather profane, so the fact that one of the previews was for the Mr. Rogers movie made me laugh very hard. Anyway, another one of my close friends panned "Once Upon A Time in Hollywood" a bit on Facebook, and I was not expecting much, which made the fact that I enjoyed it quite a bit all that much more enjoyable! It was good - fun storyline, interesting characters, good acting - yes it was a bit long, but other than having to pee, I didn't mind. I recommend it, although I suggest you bone up a bit on the Manson Family first.

Obviously not from this movie, but Tarantino's face in this picture made me laugh.

K, gotta go to bed. I intend to wake up at 5:30AM to walk 30 minutes tomorrow. I'll check in tomorrow.
And thank you, again, for all the messages. You have no idea how much they help.

A new beginning?

Wanna hear something funny? I started this little space in March of 2007. 12 years ago, different people in the house, different furbabies :(, different places in my relationships and life. My kids were little (the girl was only 4!), I was teaching my sister to drive a stickshift, my son to write a paragraph, and occasionally babysitting. Now my kids are grown and THEY know how to drive, my sister has been married and raising a kid, I have been working for this organization for a good long time...but still same house, same husband, same health struggles...which I have tried to deal with here for all 12 of those years.

I have not pointed out the obvious - yes, I know it has been more than a year. It has been a very hard year. The primary struggle has been massive and emotional and so so so heartbreaking, and it is pretty all-encompassing. Again, it is not my story to tell; it involves the severe depression of someone I love dearly. She is strong and resilient, and she has been working through it, but it takes a lot of energy, and very little I can write about here. That said, when we are struggling, it is very difficult to focus on what seems less important - a clean house, my job, my own health.

Things got pretty bad in February, and continued to suck, and then my mom went in for open heart surgery, and all the fun that resulted from that (she is doing well), and then I took someone to the cardiologist for an appointment. That cardiologist told my friend they needed to lose weight, and to go see the St E weight loss people. And then said it wouldn't hurt me, either. Oddly, my feelings weren't hurt. I've been seeing cardiologists with my mom since I was 14 - they talk straight and don't pull any punches. Or they're assholes. Whatever. I guess if I was treating people for problems that are primarily caused by completely avoidable poor lifestyle choices who rarely take the good advice, I'd be a little caustic.

Anyway, I went to the St. E weight loss people. I figured, if someone is telling me what to do, I'll do it. Because I keep my promises to other people. I've said that here, before, many times. All those many times I've started again. Yeah, record? Meet roundhouse kick (cuz, broken record, get it? I know, if I have to explain it, it's not a good one.)

So they have me on 2 meal replacement shakes a day, and 1 meal. It is really low calorie, and I don't like the shakes. And I freaking haven't been keeping those promises.

The thing is, I really am motivated to do this! I want to go back to kickboxing, so badly, which I can't do at this weight, as it hurts my knees. And eating the way I have the past couple of years is making me so sluggish and tired and gross. I can still move and work, my numbers are not scary yet - I want to fix this before I can't anymore. I have a great Big Why (see Nerd Fitness). Obviously discipline is what's missing, and I'm hoping that by coming on here and writing about it, and maybe someone occasionally checking on it, I will do better. I need more than just passive online support and once a week talking to dietitians who just tell me I should add almond extract to my nasty-ass shake. I asked my friend Google to look for in person support groups for weight loss (I don't understand why St. E doesn't have one for people participating in this program.) I've found Weight Watchers and TOPS (I just want the support, not the program), a couple of low carb groups.

Some of my IRL friends - remember 10 or 12 years ago, I decided to start my own group, which met a few times and fell apart quickly because I had no plans? Yeah, I could use that again. What I really seem to need is someone to text me once or twice a day to say, "hey, Missy, make good freaking choices!" "You've got this!" "Meet me at the gym in 20 minutes!" "Drink your nasty-ass shake!" "You are not still hungry, step away from the refrigerator!"  Any volunteers?

So, in the meantime, I have this space. I am going to post here more. You can read it or not, but I need to focus on the health stuff (you know I will have to talk about nerdy things and cats and whatnot, but the health is foremost.) When I did that Whole 30 thing, posting here everyday helped, so maybe I will use it for accountability. If you feel like messaging me some tough love, I am open and needing it. I am happy to accept kicks in the ass and invitations to exercise - I know it comes from a place of love :)

Thanks for listening. I will be back tomorrow. Seriously, I will. In the meantime, I will give you an adorable picture to enjoy.

My guy, Paco. He is an asshole, but I adore him.

Looking up, Making plans

Hey there, ho there, friends.
I felt kind of crappy posting that last post, basically whining without really offering any solutions, but then people commented, and I remembered that I have amazing people in my life. Thank you so much, all of you, for commenting, liking, making me remember I am not alone.

First and foremost, the swollen foot and ankle eased the next day. I rolled out my shin and calf that evening due to the advice of a very brilliant cousin, and I may have had too much salt that day. It hasn't happened again this month. My knees are still bothering me, a lot, and I've stayed clear of kickboxing, as a result. The other day I made a decision to buy a new knee brace so I can at least walk longer distances with less pain. That should come in today (thank you, Amazon Prime), so positive step there.

I finished a book yesterday. I was uber motivated to write this after I finished, and I kind of wish I had, as I was feeling all eloquent and shit, but I'll do my best. The book was called You Are a Badass, by Jen Sincero, and it is about...well, pretty much what you would assume it was about. A kind of "mind over matter", "if you want something badly enough, and decide you will get it, you will," (in her words.) A kind of less spiritual, more tough loving "The Secret." I listened to it on audio, as I generally do for self-help, and her voice was kind of grating, and she pronounced "etcetera" as "eck-setera", which made me want to punch something. She posits that those great, positive things we want resonate at a high frequency in the universe, and that, in order to attract those things, we need to raise our own frequencies to match those other high-frequency things and people. It was kind of funny, listening to this straight-talking, tough love chick spout such woowoo stuff, but...but...the book kind of did resonate with me. Because when you got down to it, she was just saying that you have to make things happen, and if you truly believe you are worth it, why not make those things happen?

I still admit I'm not sure what I want to do with my big beautiful life, but I do know what I want to do with my big, beautiful body, and that's get healthy. And so I am. I believe I can, and I am. I've made plans, and even figured out how people can help (people are always looking for "accountability partners," and I've never figured out how to effectively use one until now.)

So, here's my plan.
First and foremost, I have cut out pop. I have done this before, and I never should have gone back, but whatever, I did. I had my last delicious Pepsi last night at 7:30, which is probably why I couldn't freaking sleep, and I will not allow myself any more, although I am allowing myself the sparkly water-drinks because I like fizz. So, yeah, no more pop.

Second, I wrote out my workout plan for next week in my bullet journal, in ink, darn it, and this is where my accountability partner, whoever you may be (Katie, Jess?) will come in, as I will be sending my weekly plans to you on Sunday night, and I need you to check in with me every day to make sure I did it. I am very good at keeping promises to other people; not so good at keeping them to myself. I'll check in here at the end of the week, but I really need daily follow through. I'm starting light, but eventually, when my knee is feeling better, I want to get back to kickboxing.

Third, 8PM is the magic number for two reasons - no more food and no more social media after 8PM. I am not sleeping nearly well enough, and I know sitting on my phone scrolling Facebook at 10PM is not helping me. I can use it to communicate, or to listen to a guided meditation, but no social media or games.
I'd better mark that in my bullet journal, too.

You are a Badass was a good kick in the rear for me - it may not resonate with you, but perhaps my frequency was at the right level :) I have some other thoughts on that, but I'll have to expound upon that another time.

If I start using the phrase "manifesting my dreams," though, you all have my permission to kick my ass.

Well crap.

Six months. It has been six months since I last posted. And those last posts were all about getting healthier. And then in March, I made a promise to myself that I would lose 20 lbs by my birthday in June.

And I've gained 10.

I am seeing a number on the scale I haven't seen in years. A number I promised myself I wouldn't see again. I'm tired, all the time. The last kickboxing class I attended about killed me, and I haven't been back since, because I'm embarrassed, and it hurt, and I don't wanna. The depression and anxiety are getting worse again. I feel icky, and I sit all day, and my knee is killing me, and last night, I realized my left foot and ankle are really swollen, not due to injury. They're still swollen. 

That is what is prompting this post - I'm actually scared about my health. 

Like anyone, I have a ton of excuses, and they're valid - I'm worried about family stuff, and I spend a lot of time focusing on them and their mental health. I'm afraid if I leave to attend to my stuff, I won't be around to help them (I realize this sounds illogical, and a bit martyr-ish, but it has played out that way several times, and now I'm scared). Softball has take over our lives, and this past week, I literally have not been home - I leave at 6:30AM for work, and get home at 11PM to go to sleep. I'm not really getting enough sleep, which is hurting my energy. Weekends are spent at softball tournaments (and I enjoy it, don't get me wrong, but time consuming).  I haven't had time to prep food, and I work full time, and so I'm grabbing crap to eat. Work is stressing me out. My house is embarrassing - I take a few minutes in the morning to load the dishwasher, and I washed underwear on Saturday night after softball, but actual cleaning has been an issue. The state of the world right now is making me alternately sad and angry.

I get that this all sounds whiny, and repetitive, as I've said it all before. It's likely why I haven't come here in a long time to say all of it. But the swollen foot is kind of freaking me out. And I kind of want to crawl into bed and cry for awhile, and when I feel this way, it's probably time to make some changes. But I have so little energy. So I guess what I'm saying is, I really need help. 

In Nerd Fitness, they call it a respawn - I need that. But I've outlined all the things "I'm going to do" 100 times here - I'm not going to subject you all to that again. And I am at work, so I should probably do some. 

So now I'm going to fill my water cup and drink it. I'm going to touch my toes and walk to the back of the office and back. And then get back to work. Please feel free to check in, kick my ass, something - I will take all the help I can get.

Thanks for listening.

*Insert Clever Title Here

First and foremost, it is important to note that this week is Miss Fiona's 1st birthday! Most of you probably live in the area, and so you are fully aware of who Fiona is, but just in case you are not, Fiona is the most celebrated of Cincinnati celebrities - a hippo born too early at the Cincinnati Zoo, nursed to health by dedicated humans, and successfully reintroduced to her parents. All of this was documented on social media, and watched closely by her loving public. She is precious and she is 1! So a very happy birthday to Fiona!

What else happened this week...my girl and I met a friend of mine at the library to listen to a Buddhist monk in exile speak. Arjia Rinpoche spoke about his life, his work, and Buddhism, the horrors of the Cultural Revolution under Chairman Mao, and the repression of Tibetan culture now. He is the director of the Tibetan Mongolian Buddhist Cultural Center in Bloomington, Indiana. I don't care for Indiana myself, but I would be willing to visit for this reason. He was very interesting, and even my daughter, who is much cooler than I am, enjoyed it.

Okay, onto progress this week. I don't know how I'll document this from week to week - for today we'll just go in bullet points, so as not to blather on for hours.

• Eating better: I have documented every freaking bite I've taken for 1 1/2 weeks now, and I've been very good about my water intake - at least 80 oz a day.
• Moving more: I did very well for a bit - starting last Wednesday, I worked out at least a little every day for 5 days. I did kickboxing Wednesday, Saturday, and Monday, Nerd Fitness workouts Thursday and Friday, walked a little each day, and a yoga session on Sunday. Since Monday, not so much. It's been cold, and I've been tired, and have all the excuses, but I am going to kickboxing tonight, and I plan to do a NF workout tomorrow (the Girl and I will be at a volleyball tourney, so I will have to do this later.) I need to start developing the early exercise habit again, I think, as I am more likely to get it done. Things come up later, you know?
• Spending less/making more: I did not order anything this week. So, that's a win.
• Rest/relax/enjoy: oof - I meditated the first two days, and did not continue. So, that's two out of seven - let's aim for more.
• Stop procrastinating/make consistent progress: Well. I'm updating, and it's been a little more than a week, but not much. So we'll go partial win. I did post some fun, tomato-face pics to Instagram. That was fun.
• Organization: I have been updating my bullet journal. Even added a few collections.

Gimme the loot!

Oh, Blogger. Why won't you let me do what I want to do?

• Engage more deeply: I visited my mom, my sister, and met a Buddhist monk.

I'm still working on getting my voice back. Still in and out, but much better.

Alrighty, action plan for this week:
Same exercise plan as last week
80 oz water
Keep logging the food
~Plus~
No Freaking Gas Station Snacks! Since I shouldn't try building a negative habit, we'll go with: I will bring a small snack and a bottle of water with me each day in the car so I don't feel the need to stop to get snacks.
Meditate, at least 2 minutes, each day.
Plug phone in by 9PM each night

Gotta go - kickboxing calls!