Ups and downs

I said a few years ago that I would like to use this space to help me lose weight by providing a virtual accountability partner, or several, as it were. Of course, I have described different things I have done, and it's been fun and all, but weight loss is an elusive bastard, and I'm pretty much starting over. This is going to be a rather long post, with lots of personal details (like numbers and whatnot,) so if you are uninterested, you may want to stop reading now. Also, don't make fun of me. I am fairly certain anyone who is taking the time to come here is not here to be mean, but just in case...I can delete with the best of them.

We're not going back all the way to the beginning; anyone who knows me knows I have struggled with my weight pretty much my entire life, except for a few brief years doing track in high school, and then the Army. It's really hard to be fat when you're at basic training. 

Anyway, we're going back 3 years, October of 2013. I hit my all time high weight of 295. It was one of those "holy crap!" moments - awfully close to a whole other century. I started walking more often - and I really noticed the extra weight...my shins would burn, like they were on fire, when I walked, the bottoms of my feet hurt terribly when I stood up after being sedentary, my knees were aching. But I walked, some. Then came the most effective weight loss strategy - my anxiety was ramping up again, and I started having panic attacks occasionally. That's 10 lbs gone in no time - it's amazing how intense anxiety destroys your appetite. 

No, I am not hoping I start having attacks again. I will stay happily fat.

Anywho, I started going to boot camp in April of 2014, lost some weight, gained some weight, lost some more. I've stayed mostly active since then, with a month here and there of lazy. All in all, I've only lost, in total, 25 lbs. 

And I've almost gained all of it back. Since March. Why is gaining so easy? They say, "You didn't put it on overnight..." They LIE! 

A few weeks ago, I realized my clothes were starting to fit kind of tightly, my knees were starting to ache again, my shins are burning when I walk. I stepped on the scale, which I actually hadn't done since June. I was up at 294.3 lbs. Well, crap!

Have I mentioned how much I hate my scale? It talks. And it is creepy. And sometimes, if we have lightening, or one of the cats jumps from the sink onto it, it will talk at night. "Hello. Are you ready?" Yeah, creepy as hell. 

That week, I started journaling my food intake again. I am following along with that Joyful Eating class, trying to really understand my hunger and fullness cues, because food is my downfall. And I refuse to treat it as an enemy. But I have a tendency to eat past fullness to stuffed, just because I'm bored, or I like the taste, or I am eating mindlessly. I've also stopped drinking pop, almost entirely. I'm not keeping it in the house, and I am not eating out often. I had some on Friday. It was good. I don't feel desperate to drink more. I may have kicked that particular addiction, so that's nice.  I've been working out 4 times a week, and trying to move more on the other days. 

Today, creepy scale chick told me I weigh 288.6. OK! That was motivating.

So. I know I've tried this before, but I am going to start again. I need to be accountable. So I'm going to start weighing in here again. I am going to keep up what I've started, and continue adding good habits. I am going to invite others to use me as an accountability partner, 'cuz I know I could use the kick in the butt. I am going to post this to Facebook, even though it is terribly uncomfortable, because more of you come here from there than anywhere else. 

That was awkward.

I know the scale is not the most important factor in health, and health is my foremost focus here, but here's the deal - I am more than twice the healthy weight for my height. There are simply too many problems that come from that much excess weight. I'm lucky - I'm still able to function and move and work out, but how much longer am I going to be able to keep that up? I already have problems with blood pressure and cholesterol, and I can only stave off the doctor for so long before he makes me start taking cholesterol meds. My allergies cause breathing issues, and those are much worse with the extra weight. And then there are the joints. Every so often they like to remind me that I am not getting any younger. Stupid joints. 

Anyway, I appreciate you cheering me on, and bearing with me as I do this. I promise, I will post other stuff, too, but I'm thinking Monday posts will be health stuff and weigh ins. 

A couple of years ago, I promised myself a new tattoo when I lose 100 lbs from my highest weight. (I allowed myself the semi-colon this year, even without the weight loss, because I felt strongly about the cause, but my next one has to be earned.) It's kind of a bummer, I was a lot closer earlier this year, but I guess I'm starting again. I want something involving a fairy reading a book under a tree. I can't draw to save my life, so someone else will have to help. So, once I hit 195, I get my tattoo. You guys should come with. It will be fantastic.

I may add in other rewards. I like presents. My first one will be when I hit 270, since that's where I climbed from. I don't know what. I'll ponder. Let me know if you have some good ideas - no food. 

Alrighty, thanks for hanging in there with me. We'll chat later.