Control...

First of all, thank you to those who commented on Facebook with your own righteous anger on my behalf. I am rather sensitive to the idea of being excluded because of my weight, so I was leery of contacting the company or his manager, but I really feel I was on the nose in this case. You know what they say. "It's not paranoia when they are all after you." Something like that.

Anyway, I weighed in this morning. I didn't take pictures, and I am kind of fine with that. Except that I promised I would. So I'll just tell the truth. I gained. Ugh.

SW:  281.8
LW: 279.8 (this is different from the weight in the picture, but this is what I have written down by Mel, so it's what I'm using.
CW: 282.0

Yeah. I worked out a LOT this week - some serious sweat - but wow, my eating. People, this is a problem. It's not a matter of tweaking a few calories here, a few calories there. I just eat a lot of stuff I shouldn't. I start out great - do really well through 2:30PM, and then I am tired and bored, and driving alone, and trying not to fall asleep, and I stop for ice cream. Ice cream. Not exactly an every day food, people.

So many of my fellow boot campers are having trouble with their numbers because they eat too little, or they're talking about needing to eat more protein, less fat. Those of you reading this are probably thinking, "dude, what is wrong with you?! You are trying to lose weight, you don't eat ice cream or chips or whatever! Treats are for treat time, not every day! That's a no brainer!"

I know. I really do, and I feel horrible when I do it. Since starting this past session, I have logged all my food. But logging all my food does nothing if I just look at the enormous number at the end and think, yikes, better tomorrow, but...well, my brain needs the tweaking, not my protein portions.

It goes like this: I am driving home after a particularly crappy day at work, the number of which have been increasing lately. I am tired, I am beyond bored. I worked out that morning, and I know I have to go home to a messy house, people asking "what's for dinner," and a kid who has to go to volleyball. And I'm a lucky one - my husband pitches in with sports and dinner, and I realize a lot of women do not have that. Anyway, I have to drop off my FedEx, and Graeter's is just across the street from the FedEx drop, so darn it, I'm going to stop for ice cream, because I have been working so hard (that day.) And I am not stopping at 1 scoop either, because I will NEVER get ice cream again! Until the next day, of course.

A group of boot campers and I were discussing this today - that mindset of entitlement, combined with a feast or famine mindset - let's add the fact that I tend to binge. Do you do that? Say, I'll just have a handful of white cheddar popcorn, but then you look down and realize the entire bag is gone. You eat and eat, trying to get emotional fulfillment. It doesn't work! The popcorn just doesn't care about me. But at the moment, it is my only friend.

Janet teaches me that I need a little control. Which involves changing my mindset. But, how do you change a mindset you've had for decades? Most of my friends who have lost a large amount of weight, and kept it off, have certain traits that may be described as "control freak." This is a case of using the "control freak" for the good, not evil. I'm talking about those of you who have worked hard to lose weight, controlling your numbers and your intake and your output, not those who have gone too far the other direction into anorexia land, by the way. I understand that can be a slippery slope. But there are times that my easy going, laid back, non-obsessive personality bites me in the ass. Wait, did I say non-obsessive? But, there have been times, more than are healthy, where I have found myself thinking obsessively about the ice cream, or the pizza, or the freaking white cheddar popcorn, until I couldn't think of anything else. I couldn't even get back to sleep at 2AM. So, finally, I get up, and I go downstairs, and I eat a whole bag. Or I finally get back to sleep, only to wake up thinking about it, and go to the store for it.

Yeah, I need help.

So, this week's plan:

1. Keep the last few habits going - working out, all the water, logging the food.
2. Plan the meals, and plan for the commute - keep something low-calorie in the car on which to snack.
3. Use a different FedEx box (simple solution here.)
4. Find someone to walk with during volleyball (being alone in the car is dangerous for me.) Who's game!?
5. Move my daily Mel-text to later in the day, after I get home. I tend to be pretty accountable to her, and I don't lie. If I decide I'm going to confess, I am less likely to do what I may have to confess. I think, this is a theory. I think it may work, though.

Phew. I could use some help here, my friends. If any of you have any thoughts on "changing my mindset" please let me know.

In other news, our sweet new kitty Dutch is settling in relatively well, but she has an upper respiratory infection. Apparently, Siamese are prone to them. She's still hiding a lot, but she likes to be petted, and she allowed Finnegan to lick her head yesterday, although it was a rather awkward moment for both of them.

The girl made a new softball team, and will be playing for the Xplosion this year. She's excited about the opportunity. My girl is so into her sports. It's so cool - and foreign.

The boy has gotten through his first week of college. For those of you waiting on news from him, he says he is "fine." He is a man of eloquence and refinement. He did text me this week asking me to send him his TI-84. It's good to be needed.

That is about it for me today. We have a softball meeting, and then the girl is going out with volleyball friends and the husband and I have the house to ourselves. I don't know what we will do, but you can bet it will be a party. I have been wanting to watch Blacklist...