The Search Is On.

A full month since my last post. Which is sad for a chatty girl like me - most of the time I just can't shut up.
The last time I posted, I was talking about the fact that my panic attacks were rearing their ugly heads, and that I was looking for a mental health practitioner of sorts to talk to - something I should have done a long time ago. I started seeing a guy in my area (I actually tried to make an appointment with his wife, but he runs the practice, and he thought he could help me better.) We had 4 sessions, but I did not feel comfortable with him. In fact, I kind of thought he was a jerk. I liked that he wanted me to meditate, but he answered his cell phone in the middle of a guided meditation and laughed about it, he was never on time, and he told me that my use of medication was no different that an alcoholic who needs a fix. Don't get me wrong-I am totally open to the idea of going off medication at one point, but one of the problems we were discussing was my lack of self-esteem. Does telling me I'm no better than any other addict really do anything to help me with that? Anyway, I am trying to make an appointment with another person, but we are having trouble connecting. I'm going to give it another week - if we never get a chance to talk, I'll start the search again.
I'm actually kind of glad this whole thing happened. When I asked people about finding a therapist, so many told me I might need to see several before I found one I liked. This, of course, just fueled my lack of confidence - how did I know? The first 2 sessions I spent looking at the guy and wondering if he was right. I'm glad he made some pretty obvious mistakes - because I didn't trust my own judgment.
Which leads me to the brunt of my issues lately. I am having some major problems making decisions lately. The Girl was coughing last week, and I questioned myself over and over, wondering if I should take her to the doctor again. What if she got bad again and ended up with pneumonia? But our insurance is not great, and the deductible is high, and if she just has a cold...I have no confidence in my own judgment - especially regarding parenting issues. This kind of distrust causes complete paralysis - I don't make decisions, because, what if I make the wrong one? The Girl is fine - her allergies are acting up, and she is very stuffy, causing her to cough from the drainage, but this is affecting so many of my decisions - small and large. Especially if the decision may cause money to be spent.
I wonder if my lack of confidence stems from my employment status right now. I'm subbing for the school district, and I'm doing it pretty part-time, not bringing in much money. You would think these confidence issues would cause me to not spend money at all, but that isn't the case. It just makes me anxious about any kind of car upkeep, medical costs, etc.

Ugh. I'm a freaking nut.

I'm going to get some pictures uploaded, and I'm going to post some good "what's up in our lives" type posts, probably tomorrow. I have realized in the last few months, however, that my mental illness is a major part of who I am, and as such, should be a part of my occasional posts. I am a woman, I am a mom, I am a fabulous goddess-type (grin), and I am a woman living with depression and anxiety - and there are a lot of you out there. I hope that, while my own posts can sometimes be rather self-centered and whiny, it reminds those of you dealing with these issues that you are not alone, and maybe something I do may help one of you, as well.

Blessings, and stay shiny my friends.