I'm here...sort of

Hey friends. I'm struggling. Embarrassed by my lack of commitment and focus. Using food as a crutch, and unable to excavate myself from the pit. Not really in despair, not even feeling particularly depressed. Just stressed. A little low. Weak.

A part of this, I think, is I've allowed a little extra stress to interrupt that momentum I was building. I let those healthy habits I was working on lapse. And I don't have the energy to motivate myself. And I'm embarrassed by having to come here again to say, "hey guys, I really want to tell you I'm succeeding, but I'm acting like an 11 year old around food, and haven't been to the gym since last Monday. On top of that, I can't freaking fall asleep at night, which means I'm tired come morning, which means I make poor food choices, and don't go to the gym." Yup, struggling.

But then I think, Missy! Stop that! These people are your friends, your supporters, your confidantes! They would never judge you, for crap's sake! They will say, "hey! we have your back!"

So I'm posting, even though I'm struggling, because maybe you are too. And maybe we could motivate each other.

Also because a sweet friend of mine asked me a question a few weeks ago, and I never answered it because it needed a little extra thought and attention, and it was an interesting question, and then I thought I might write about it here, because, who knows, someone else might be interested. She said "You're so open about who you are and issues you are dealing with. How do you do that?"

First of all, I was so grateful for that question. In all honesty, what she sees as "openness", I often see as self-centeredness. For crying out loud, no matter my motivation, I come on here to talk about myself. How self-centered is that, right? But, the fact is, I am not actually talking about myself because I think everyone wants to hear about me. I talk about my struggles, my issues, and the stories of my life because I want to connect with others, and maybe my own struggles will make someone else feel less alone?

That's why. But she asked how. So, I've always been talkative. Anyone who knows me knows that. And I've generally been pretty open. I think a part of that is because my parents have always been pretty open with me, and have generally allowed for my opinion. But I've not always been honest.

And gah! Now I know why I wanted to write this today. (another Tiny Buddha post) How Letting Go Of the Need to be Special Changed My Life I was reading this today, and to be clear, this is not exactly what the post was about. The author and I are two very different people. I have always been a pretty freaking average person. My grades were decent, but not stellar, I've never been drop-dead gorgeous, a fantastic athlete (or any type of athlete), a good artist...just, an average person. Also, I've never been a perfectionist. I've never claimed to be one, either, but I've wanted to be seen as interesting, and I always felt that I would be more interesting if I excelled at things, or did interesting things that required a great deal more perfectionism, I think. Maybe I'm just too lazy to be a perfectionist. I don't know. Anyway, so I made things up to make myself seem more interesting. Not all the time, and certainly nothing important enough to cause trouble (I never pretended to be a doctor and then refused to help save a whale, for instance,) but enough that, looking back, I am ashamed and saddened by my own stupid lies. For instance, I was in the Army Reserves from age 19-27. I did my AIT training (training for my job, which was a print journalist) at Fort Ben Harrison in Indianapolis, right before they closed the post. There was another soldier named Dan, who was in the Broadcast Journalism program, on whom I had a rabid crush. He was a perfectly nice person, who never expected anything other than a nice friend, but I was positive that if I was more interesting, he would fall head over heels. So I lied about so many stupid things, everything from the ridiculously unnatural shade of red being my natural hair color, to the fact that I had years of professional massage therapy training (I did not), to my stories about the professional stage that I never was on. Honestly, I was only 19, and he probably knew there was no way I had had time to do all of this. I couldn't seem to help myself, though.

This continued into my 20's - with other moms, especially; people I desperately wanted to connect with because I was so unbelievably lonely as a young mother. I couldn't find much in common, so I made things up. Not quite so ridiculous as in my teens, but silly, stupid fibs, or omissions - I love sushi, for instance (can't stand it), or I finished college (which I still haven't, although I do really want to.) Pathetic, I realize, but I wanted so desperately to be Special. Interesting enough for people to want to be my friend (except, thankfully, for my husband. I've always managed to be more or less honest with him. He would see through my lies and call bullshit, anyway 😉)

I hit my mid-30's into my 40's and I don't know what happened. I just...stopped lying. I've continued to want to connect to others, but maybe I have  a strong enough circle, maybe I've just gained some perspective, and my self esteem is no longer that sucking pit of despair it was in my teens and 20's, and I realize I don't have to lie to make myself interesting. Either people find me interesting or not, and I can't really control that, and that's alright if people don't like me. I have strong, amazing, supportive people in my life, more than most people, and I am thankful for those I have.

Anyway, so there you go - I am open and honest about my struggles because lying is dumb, because they might help someone, because it definitely helps me, and because I have wonderful people in my life willing to listen.

Well, hello there!

Oops, let it go more than a week. I only exercised 2 days last week. That is certainly not going to get me where I want to go, so I promised myself I would start another habit-building streak for this week. I walked with my little sister at a very lovely park Sunday. It was gorgeous. And after we crossed a foot bridge, K stepped in a hole and twisted her ankle.Because that is what my sweet sister does. (love you.) Then, after moving a bit, she was like, "ok, I'm ok" and we went on to walk a mile or so. Yesterday she went to the doctor for a "severe sprain." Apparently, without the balm of my company, she felt the pain of the sprain. Sorry K. But it really was a lovely walk, if a smelly end. Yesterday was the gym, and today was another walk, as the weather is about to take a bit of a turn.

Food-wise - eh. Ok. I'm tracking it all, but goodness it is not fun to eat less than I want. Not exactly news.

Let's talk about something more fun - books.

There are two books I revisit again and again, and I want to talk about them, because I just finished one of them for the 5th time.

We'll start with the one you all know I love. I read The Handmaid's Tale the summer I was 15 when visiting mi prima favorita in Columbus. She was working, I needed something to read, she handed me this, my life changed (only one of many ways she has been a most excellent influence and all around coolest nerd I know.) I then went on to read everything Margaret Atwood has ever written, and she remains my favorite author (no, I haven't read The Testaments yet, do not ruin it for me!) It started with the language. Nobody describes a room more robustly than Ms. Atwood. I feel every situation, every emotion. Then there was the subject matter. High school was a great time for me to read this; I was just becoming my tree-hugging, idealistic, liberal hippie self, and I was angry! And, even then, when I was going to church and still feeling a part of organized religion, I felt the truth - if there was going to be an overthrowing, an oppression of this sort, it was going to be at the hands of angry white men, using God to hold us down. I still do believe that. I am lucky that I keep joining book clubs who are willing to read this, so I have been privileged to introduce many women to Offred and her world, like my cousin introduced me. One of my most interesting conversations was after the first time I made a book club read it - it was a large group, too - and the conversation at the meeting was pretty freaking subdued. One of the women asked, "really, this is your favorite book? Ever?" I was like, "yeah, you better not hate it, it's a freaking brilliant book." She said, "yeah, but, it's really dark! You're so...cheerful." 

I am cheerful. But I know realistic dystopia when it grabs me by the pu***.

Let's move on to something a little lighter.

I just finished this today - another book I've made 4 different book clubs read, because it is freaking beautiful. I bought it for my son when he was 11 - I heard Terry Gross talk about it on "Fresh Air", the premise was fascinating, and I loved Neil Gaiman. I don't think he read it right away, and neither did I, but I picked it up a few years later, and enjoyed it. Then I listened to the audiobook as read by the author, and it became one of my top 5 books of all time. The story - a young boy is raised by the ghosts of a graveyard after his family is murdered - is interesting, absolutely. But the telling is magical. The characters are deep and diverse, and the boy, Nobody Owens, is a protagonist you grow to care about. Neil Gaiman is one of the only authors I will listen to read his books, because he reads them really freaking well. His love for his characters is evident in every voice. Every time I listen to this book, I sob during the last chapter. In my car. As I drive. I'm sure my fellow commuters are fascinated. I cry because Bod's adventure is just beginning, and I am going to have to live tomorrow without these wonderful characters in my life. Because there are so many good books in the world, and I have to move on, too.

But not forever. I will listen to Bod's story again, maybe next year, maybe a few, definitely if I join another book club. And I will pick up The Handmaid's Tale again, probably next year. I've reread her 16 or 17 times, and I've listened to Clare Danes' reading twice. I've read The Graveyard Book once, but I've listened to the audio 4 times. They are worth every minute (and the money I've spent on two new copies of The Handmaid's Tale; in high school I was not a careful reader.)

My Kindle is done charging, so I am going to go back to this week's ghost story.
What about you? Any books you visit again and again? Share - I am always looking for some new characters to spend time with.

I love the end of Monday.

How many times do you get to say, "No, really, this time I'm serious," without losing friends and cheerleaders?

In my defense, there has been no Culvers since last Wednesday. Not all the choices have been good. I didn't work out at all Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. And last night, I indulged in a remarkable piece of Tres Leches cake that made me swoon, and I did not feel guilty about it, at all. I didn't even get a picture of it. I was too busy swooning. Two of my gorgeous girlfriends and I went to see a play based on the book Alias Grace by Margaret Atwood (swoon!), and we had dinner at Frida 602 in Covington. The play was outstanding, and the food was heavenly, so all in all, not a bad night. Actually, not a bad weekend. Spent a few hours with my sister on Saturday, read a lot, the weather was lovely. Just no workouts, and I ate a bit more than I should have. Tomorrow I meet with the dietitian, and she will give me my new exchanges, which should give me another tool for making better choices. Also, I totally tracked all of those extra bites, which made for an unnerving final diary in MFP, but at least I was accountable.

Today was much better - I stayed on track, and I had an awesome workout. Like felt tired but amazing afterwards. I increased my time on the rower and the treadmill, increased the incline, and increased the weight on my goblet squat. Go me!

I wanted to address something from last week that I never did get to - sometimes I listen to my audiobook, sometimes podcasts, but a really most of my best workouts are to music. But I've been listening to the same basic playlist for years now, and I need help. In the comments, on Facebook, I don't care, please, I need music help! I need a decent tempo, but the songs that get me moving hardest are the angry ones. My favorites today were:

"Sin" and "Hand That Feeds" by Nine Inch Nails
"One Step Closer" by Linkin Park
"Bulls on Parade" and "Killin' in the Name Of" by Rage Against the Machine

Is it possible people avoid the treadmills next to me because I get caught up and punch the air with the beat? Yes, that is very possible. My lifting music is less Rage and more Beastie Boys. But I really need some new music. Please, hit me up with the songs that make you move your ass, get funky, or want to hit things. You see how old those songs are!

I stopped for gas last week north of Dayton and this made me snort Diet Dr. Pepper. 

Did some work today.

Greetings and salutations, friends.
Let's start with the fact that I went to the weight loss doctor. I am disappointed, but not surprised by the weigh in, and because I promised to be honest, here it is:

LW:  276 lb 12.8 oz
CW: 277 lb 9.6 oz
Gain: 0.8 lb

Do I feel good about this? No. But, I do feel good about the visit. First of all, after our discussion, she upped my calorie intake to 1400 cal. She did it because it will still keep me in a pretty significant deficit, and I'm always going over 1000, so why continually set me up for failure. I like it because a.1400 seems like a completely doable, yet healthy number, b.she was proud of all the extra activity, and c. I felt like I won. I didn't even know I was competing. She also told me I don't have to do the nutrition classes if I don't find them helpful (I don't. I feel I could find cauliflower recipes on the internet on my own, if I really want to.) So I will be trying the mindset classes at the end of the month, but in the meantime, I told her I would be discussing my food issues with my own therapist.

I saw my therapist this morning, and I told her I was tired about discussing how I was screwing up my kids, and wanted to address my food issues. She was fully amenable to this, probably because she is sick of my stories about how I'm screwing up my kids. I told her about how I've been consciously making poor food choices over the past two weeks, and as we discussed what was going on when I made the choices, we realized I tend to go for sweets (ice cream) when I am stressed out and feeling overwhelmed, which I have certainly been feeling this past week. Specifically about work. Like yesterday - I had to go to Perrysburg yesterday. First, it's over 3 1/2 hours away. I've already told you how I nosh when I drive. Second, it was not a pleasant meeting. I left feeling messy and sad, and rather incompetent (as a manager.) And I went for Culvers. So we discussed, why would I consciously choose to eat a large, calorie-laden meal, capped off with custard, when I'm trying to make healthier choices, and the answer seems to be that I seek out sweet comfort food when I feel overwhelmed and stressed. It's hella easier to eat a vat of chocolate custard, and enjoy that smooth, sweet, chocolaty loveliness, than to address those issues with my employees, especially when I do not feel confident in my abilities to manage those employees.

We talked about mindfulness when it comes to food (visualizing a stop sign to help me really enter the moment and explore my feelings.) Am I bored, tired, sad, stressed? Am I actually hungry, and if so, could I make a healthier choice, or at least a smaller version of the treat? We discussed building a tool box of activities that might take the place of my boredom/stress eating. It was truly helpful. None of this is particularly new, but actually sitting down and having someone ask the questions...that really helped me process this.

Today was definitely better. Seeing my therapist meant I went to work later, so I went to the gym first, and showered there. Dude, they have really decent showers there! Like the rain showerheads! I love those! I had my soup for lunch, and relatively decent-sized snacks. I am not hungry at all right now, and I will not be eating anymore tonight.

New month means I set some new goals, and we're 3 for 3 so far...
1. Track the food, every day. I've gone back to My Fitness Pal - it's just easier, I feel accomplished when I tap the "Complete Diary" for the day.
2. Meditate, at least 5 minutes, every day.
3. Go to bed with the sink empty and area around it clean.
See, addressing physical health, mental health, and my hot spots, which affects my mental health. And yeah, I know you've all seen the first two goals before - I didn't accomplish those goals, so I have to try again, duh!

Time to get the meditation in. Om...

ch ch ch choices...

Hello, my chickens.
I'd like to say I've been busy, but in all honesty, it's more I've been making poor choices, and I was embarrassed to come on here and write. A lot of justifying stopping at Culvers (just one small chocolate custard, I only crave chocolate once a month, and I deserve it!) or stopping at Taco Bell (I'll get a small order, well, it's cheaper if I get the meal, I haven't had regular Pepsi in so long...), or getting the calorie-heavy entree at Flipdaddy's because it was book club, and I felt like it, etc. And it wouldn't have been so bad if I treated myself once or twice, but treating myself several times a day, every day? Well, that's how I got here in the first place. Ooh, or how about the fact that I planned to go to the gym 4 times last week, and only went twice, even though I packed my freaking bag, and was ready to go? And my friend who has been checking in on me every single day would text me something motivating, and I would text back something jokey or silly instead of really thinking and responding or calling out for help, because, again, I was embarrassed by my choices, and my desire to continue to make bad choices.

And I still want more of that freaking custard.

But I promised I was going to post here, good or bad, because I need it, and I'm not the only person in the world who trips up, or makes bad choices. The embarrassing part for me here is that I am consciously making the bad choices. This is not a case of ignorance or just underestimating - I know what I am doing, and I'm doing it anyway. Because it tastes good and I want it.

Which leads to today's topic, and I had no idea until this moment, because I wanted to talk about music tonight, or maybe the interview with JP Sears on the Fat Burning Man podcast I listened to at the gym tonight, which may make its way in, as it is maybe related? Anyway, let's talk immediate gratification, because along with my deeply ingrained "feast or famine" mindset, seem to be my biggest downfalls. Which would explain why (aside from last week's non gym days), starting a healthy habit is much easier for me than cutting one out. I can work out and add veggies, and I drink more than 100 oz of water a day, easily. But ask me to cut out a dessert, or stop drinking pop, and I desperately want to do it all, right now!

I looked to a few different people who were smarter than me - Nerd Fitness, Tiny Buddha, some guy named Tom - and they have a few different tips:

1. 1. Motivation is fleeting; work on building habits so it is mindless that you do the thing. The longer I make the healthy choices, the easier it becomes to continue to make them.
2. 2. Focus on the Big Why. Why do I want to become healthier, hence make the healthier choices? I want my body to be able to do the things I want to do, for years to come.
3. 3. I am the boss of my own journey, and my goals are flexible. I don't need the custard today, because I can have some again next week, or in a few weeks.

OK, so nothing groundbreaking, right? This was from some pretty limited reading, and I think I'd like to delve a little deeper into the "instant gratification" thing. I see my therapist this Thursday. I think I may actually deviate from my usual sobbing about my shortcomings as a parent, and maybe touch on this a bit. I'll get back to you.

That said, it kiiiiind of relates to the podcast I was listening to at the gym today (I did go, today and yesterday.) I like to listen to health/fitness related podcasts at the gym (and I could really use some suggestions, if you have any), and Fat Burning Man with Abel James has some really great interviews. I don't love everything he says, but the interviews are good. The one I listened to today was with JP Sears, you know, the Ultra-Spiritual guy from Youtube?

They're all satirical and funny, and I enjoy them, so I thought I'd see what he had to say, and he said some great things about not getting stuck thinking your ideology or beliefs are who you are. He used the example of these guys who used to do a Youtube show called "Raw Brahs" or something like that; they were raw vegans, and they had a huge following, and were super successful...until one of them starting suffering really terrible health problems, like, systems shutting down. But they really identified as "raw vegans", it was who they were. Finally, the guy started adding some meat into his diet, and his health totally bounced back. Because sometimes a way of eating works really well, until it doesn't. And he had to deal with the disappointment, and losing followers, but it's alright, you know, because he's alive. The point, of course, is growth, and how we grow as people. Abel responded by talking about how, as adults, three years can go by and we don't even notice, and just live the way we live, but remember ourselves in high school? The huge difference between ourselves as freshmen and as seniors? Some of us were like different people! Part of that is maturing, sure, but it's all growth, and why not continue to grow as people as adults, as well? Pretty deep stuff for a guy who talks about weight lifting and protein, but there you go. And it made me think about how one of my pet peeves in people is when they say something like, "I'm the type of person who..." like self-analysis as conversation. I've certainly been guilty of it, although I desperately try to avoid that phrase. Because while we may be that person right now, we should be growing and changing as people, and not being "the type of person who..." for the rest of our lives, unless it ends in "wants to live a kind and generous life" or something. Plus, it's just kind of an annoying and adolescent phrase.

Phew. That was a lot of words. I'll go scour the internet for some fun images to break up the many words. Because,guys, I'm the type of person who likes to add pictures to make this fun and interesting, and forgets to take them, so borrows them from others.

Day of statistics

Good evening. How was your day? It was pretty freaking gorgeous - I had to walk a few laps around the parking lot to enjoy the weather.

Ok, enough about the weather, let's talk numbers. I see the weight loss doc for my 3 month check in next week, so this week we did weight, measurements, and body comp, as well as discussing my progress, etc. I want to preface these numbers with a few facts: a. my last few weigh ins have been first thing in the morning, and this was at 6PM, b. it was on a different scale at a different office, and c. it wasn't a regular scale, but the body comp scale. Ooh, and I'm about to settle into my shark week. These factors may play a part in my weight this week, or may not, but, yeah.

LW: 275lb
CW: 276.8 lb
Gain: 1.8 lb
Ugh. Almost 2 lbs. Which could have really bummed me out, but we also did measurements and body comp, and she let me take home copies. Understand, they are not huge numbers, but there are some pleasant changes.

In the 3 months I've been working, I've lost 12.8 lbs. Yes, I should be losing more quickly, considering how many calories they want me consuming, but that first month I really struggled. Gods, I was hungry. Yes, I hear my excuses, but that doesn't mean they aren't valid.

In the 3 months I've been working, my BMI has gone down by 2. I realize this is not particularly informative, but my body fat percentage has dropped 1.1%, and my muscle mass has increased by 0.6%. I don't know if this is great, but I like it better than it was.

In the 3 months I've been working, I have lost a total of 11.25 inches, including 3 inches from my waist, and 4.5 from my hips. And I wasn't even sucking it in! I've also lost 1.5 inches from my neck, and my freaking rings keep spinning on my fingers, because THAT'S where I want to lose weight.

I've also increased my activity levels from almost completely sedentary to 5-6 days a week of formal exercise, increased walks around the building on purpose, and getting up more often in general. I've increased my rowing time from less than 4 minutes to 8 minutes, my average speed and time on the treadmill, and I'm strength training 3 days a week. Also, I feel a heck of a lot better. I talked to the nurse about that, after the receptionist made me feel a bit crappy for not following the program very closely - she asked if I felt successful so far, and I told her yes, I am feeling very successful. That I understand I'm not losing as quickly as most of their other patients because I allow myself treats, and I refuse to stick to 1000 calories a day and feel like crap all the time, but I'm 44, and I'm not expecting to come out of this looking great in a bikini. I just want to feel good enough to do what I want to do as I age, and I feel like I am on that path.

Thank you so much for sticking with me here - it really helps to have someone to talk to about all of this. I don't always have a ton to say, and sometimes I have so very much to say, but nothing interesting - I truly appreciate knowing someone out there will read it, and perhaps comment with a "keep going, silly twit! we've got your back!" or "stand up and back away from the snack!" You are fabulous!

Crisp, cool days of fall...?

A very blessed Mabon/Autumn Equinox to you all, my friends! Fall is taking its own sweet time visiting Kentucky, so let's thank Google for this image:

Autumn is my favorite - I adore this season. My Fitbit was showing me just 500 steps short of 10,000, so I went out to walk around my neighborhood, and the stars are bright, and the air is under 90 degrees, and I had to come in and light a pumpkin candle. I need a cabin in the woods of Quebec with a fireplace, and crunching leaves, and my cats and dogs (I don't have dogs, but in my Quebec cabin I will), and my tea and books. I really read too much Louise Penny.

My weekend went by ridiculously quickly. Went to the gym with my sister and then hung out with her on Saturday, babysat a friend's kids on Sunday, and then it was Monday. Seriously, I'm pretty sure it was 3 hours long. It was a pleasant 3 hours, but 3 hours, nonetheless. Oh, I walked a few miles on Sunday, as well, and it was wicked hot, and I don't think I stopped sweating all day. And I took a shower.

Yikes. I really have very little to say today. I'm feeling a bit distracted. The smallest something shiny will grab my attention. I see the weight loss nurse tomorrow, and then the doctor next week. I do not know why I have to see the nurse first, but there we go. I'll have more to chat about tomorrow.

I did go to the gym today. Productivity happened.

We'll chat tomorrow.