I knew they were coming.

I've been doing so well since May.  No anxiety attacks.  My therapist is all, "I think we've figured out your triggers and you're working through them...what a success."  So why, then, when stress is a little higher than usual, am I sitting awake at 5:30AM on a Saturday, trying to deep breathe my way through an anxiety attack?  I went out and tried to exercise away some of the excess adrenaline - it's still there. 

A friend of mine and I are often amazed at how different our responses to our symptoms are.  She wants to curl into a ball and cry alone.  I want to be around friends.  I want to hug the people I love close.  Which is a problem at 5AM - nobody wants to be hugged at 5AM.  So I breathe deeply and desperately hope it will be better tomorrow.

A Little Bit of Crazy

I keep saying I want to get on here and blog more often.  Lately, however, I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed, and when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I have trouble putting two cohesive sentences together.  Yeah, "feeling scattered" is putting it mildly.  I'm not saying I'm busier than the average mom with an inability to say no to anyone, but I seem to be feeling it a bit more than usual.  So here's what's going on, and how it's affecting my usual cool as a cucumber psyche:

1.  School.  Homework.  Kids complaining about teachers.  Girl has her first teacher she doesn't just love, and we've had to have the "you're not always going to like your teacher" conversation.  She seems heartbroken.  Boy does not like his English teacher, and the feeling is mutual.  I have to keep reminding him that she does have some control over his future, so he'd better learn to fake it.  Boy also wants to get into a more challenging school next year, and mama here is stressing about that more than he is.

2.  Still looking for a job.  Yes, I am a sub for my local school district, but I really would like to get on permanently somewhere.  This became more stressful this week when...

3.  My car broke.  She started leaking and smoking the other day...not an attractive look for my sweet ride, let me tell you.  They had to take the entire engine apart to get to the problem.  This was a very expensive repair.  Why, you may ask, did I choose to spend $600 to fix a car that is not worth more than $900?  Because, my friends, I need to keep her running another year, or at least until I get a permanent, full time job.  Then I can get a new car.  With air conditioning!

4.  Relay For Life.  I went to our regional Relay Leadership Summit this past weekend in Nashville, a city I've never visited, and really still have never visited, as we spent the entire time in the hotel.  The Gaylord Opryland Hotel was a lovely hotel, though - huge, many acres of lovely.  This Summit was supposed to be a motivational, "let's make our Relay the best it can be" kind of thing.  Unfortunately, I found myself a little disheartened.  All these communities, many of them much poorer communities, are bringing in hundreds of thousands of dollars, and our rather wealthy community only brought in $85,000 this year.  I have to remind myself, though, that this was a $15,000 increase over last year.  With a new committee in a new place.  We almost doubled our team number.  These are all good things.  I'm hoping to help build this committee more, and then increase our numbers again for 2013.  Feeling better.  I knew writing this out would help.

5.  Do you stress out when your kid is sick?  I mean, do you waffle back and forth about whether you should let them stay home, and then you continue to obsess about whether you should have let them stay, oh, and should you take them to the doctor if it's just a cough?  Maybe it will turn into pneumonia, but it could be just allergies, oh boy, and then the panic attacks set in.  You see what I'm talking about here?  Funny enough, they're not even sick right now.  I just got myself into that crazy space. 

I finished The Haunting of Hill House today, and that was an interesting book.  A real, decent haunting story, the kind that keeps you guessing.  I can't say anymore, for fear of either ruining the story for you all, or for the people I will be discussing the book with at a future book club party.  So now I'm all about the scary books, and my library just got Odd Apocalypse in for me today.  So I'll start that next. 

My head has been hurting all day today, so I think I will go up to bed soon.  Next time will be a bit more cheerful, and a bit sooner, I promise.  Maybe I'll snap a picture or two to post here...

Whole lotta what's up.

I just had a lovely dinner out with my mom.  We rarely get to spend any time alone, catching up, so it was  really nice.  I mentioned I had blogged about some food issues today, and she was quite irritated when I said it was on my SparkPeople blog, not here.  I don't get on here enough.

Ooh, the Girl is scratching my back.  Lovely.

 Here are some pictures from the zoo - we went the day before school started. 

 Baby Camel!

This is my sweet potato niece, one of the twinlets.  Isn't she precious?  My face looks ridiculously large next to her sweet little face.  This was the first day of school - we took my nephew out for lunch after his (sniff) first day of kindergarten.

Anyway, the last few weeks have been busy busy - taking care of bidness.  My kids are playing soccer (Girl) and golf and baseball (Boy), which takes up plenty of time.  I've been working on Relay for next year (Relay For Life update - we made our goal for 2012!  Woohoo!  Gearing up for 2013!) volunteering for our school PTA, and working on some family stuff.  I've been trying hard to focus a little harder on my health and fitness, and trying to figure out my food issues.  I find I eat out of boredom and when I'm tired, and I nosh mindlessly.  I decided to tackle this subject with my therapist, we're working on mindfulness and replacing my mindless noshing with other, nonfood-related activities.  This is what I blogged about on Sparkpeople - my Sparkpage is listed over on the side in the links section if you're interested.  I'd love some good ideas for replacement activities.  I've been walking with a few friends, sweating plenty, but my eating habits are difficult to deal with. 

Do you notice that all the Disney Channel girls are, like, the same person?  And they all sing.  Do you think they all live in a commune or something?  Maybe they're bred and raised, like prize farm animals?  It's a little scary.

Have I mentioned my recent discovery and love for an author named Jen Lancaster?  She writes memoirs - really freaking funny memoirs.  I just finished My Fair Lazy; she discovers that her steady diet of reality tv (she spends some time discussing her addiction to MTV's The Real World, which amuses me to no end, since I used to love that show) has left her woefully unprepared to attend a dinner party with other authors she admires.  She decides to embark upon a cultural renaissance, or "Jenaissance" as she calls it, seeking out theater, music, classic books, and ethnically diverse foods.  One of the things I love most about this author, aside from her hilarious observations, is that she lives in Chicago.  Don't you love it when the author you're reading lives in a city you know well, so you can picture exactly where they are?  Anyway, read Jen.  Check out her blog - www.jennsylvania.com.

'K - gotta go.  Have a spectacular night.

The antics of my brain, lists and books, oh my!

Every time I post I say I'll post more often.  And then I don't.  But now I am.

I want to share the end of our summer with you all, but for that to happen I need to upload pictures, and I'm tired right now.  So we'll do a brief book/mental illness post for tonight.  You like how those two go together? 

We'll start with the mental illness...and I'm leery of typing this, but things are going well.  I had a really great session with my therapist in May and I haven't had a panic attack since.  I've even scaled back my meds a little - just by one increment, (and please remember - if you are on antidepressants, do not decide you are cured and go off on your own.  Most of the time you are feeling better because of the meds, and if not...cold turkey is painful.)  A little extra anxiety at the beginning of my adventures with the niecelets and nephews, but I'm pretty sure that was to be expected.  I mean, people were depending on me not to break their kids.  And I didn't.  Anyway, the past few sessions haven't felt very productive, and I realized at my last one that I was talking to her like she was one of my girlfriends.  One of my girlfriends I had to pay.  And that wasn't cool, so we've decided to take it down to once a month for a little while, and see where we go.  I, in my ignorance, didn't realize you could tailor your therapy that way - first time in therapy here.  I was all, "but I don't really think I'm "cured" you know, what if I start having problems again?" and she responds, "then you call me and make an appointment and we start seeing each other more often" and I say, "I can do that?"  Yeah, sometimes my own common sense blows me away.  So once a month.  And in talking to a girlfriend (that I don't pay) I realized maybe I could work through some of my weight and food issues with her.  Yay, more crazies!  But I have a new motto, and I shared this with a friend today, and I think I'll have it put on a t-shirt because it's so brilliant:

It's our crazies that make us interesting.

Ok, onto books, which are more fun.  My cousin got me the coolest book for my birthday this summer, and I've been playing with it.  Because I love lists.  They make me so happy - unreasonably happy, really.  The idea of taking the contents of my chaotic brain and putting it into some logical order - what fun!  So, here's what she got me:

Yay!  Lots of cool prompts, like "List the cities you plan to visit" and "List your dream jobs."  There are prompts about what you would do with a lot of money, sports you'd like to try, and healthy habits to start, which is timely, of course.  I try to write in it everyday, it's so much fun. 

As for books I've finished lately, I read Drop Dead Healthy by A.J. Jacobs and I loved it.  He has such a great style, and he's such a geek, I know I'd love him.  In this book, he decides to become the healthiest person in the world, so in addition to starting to exercise and eat better, he tries all kinds of trends and fads - paleo, the caveman workout, cayenne pepper in his breakfast, walking on a treadmill while he writes (which he ends up liking enough to continue.)  It's a great book - I love how his entire life is an experiment, and his wife has such a great sense of humor about it.

I also just finished reading The Great Gatsby again.  I read it in high school, but we are discussing it in my next classics book club, and I wanted to reread it.  Definitely glad I did, I didn't remember any of it, other than the character names.

There have been other books, including a great Jen Lancaster book, but I write about all my books in my Goodreads account, so if you want to check that out, go nuts.  I need to get to bed, I'm sleepy, and I have a lovely day planned for tomorrow.  I will get on here in the next few days and upload pics so I can write all about the last days of summer break, including the super-awesome boots my daughter chose, because you should all be aware of her incredible fashion sense. 

Pleasant dreams, friends.

Dude, seriously? Where did the summer go?

It's time for a good babbly post 'cuz it's really freaking late and I can't sleep, and it's been, like, 3 weeks since I last posted. 

Check out my cutie girl in her new glasses.  She was complaining last month about her head hurting.  Unfortunately, it's hard to tell with her, since she kind of complains all the time.  But they were both due for eye appointments.  The Girl definitely needed glasses - she's near-sighted.  The Boy is a lopsided goofball, as we all know.  The doctor says, "I have good news and bad news" which is an odd thing to hear from an eye doctor, but it turns out he is near-sighted in one eye, and is compensating with the other.  I tried to convince them that he would look awesome in a monocle.  Apparently they "don't do that anymore."  Pfft.  If anyone could pull off the monocle, my boy could.  A real distinguished sort, is my Boy.  I really had trouble typing that with a straight face.

I spent the last couple of weeks watching my nieces and nephews whilst their parents were in Hawaii.  Honestly, I would rather have gone to Hawaii, but we had some fun.  Check out these apres-bath hairdos.  Fabulous!

It's kind of a funny thing, the girl with the anxiety disorder offering to take on four extra kids.  I had a few anxiety attacks the first few days - it's been a long time since I've had a baby, and here I had two.  One of whom appears to talk and whimper in her sleep, loudly, and the monitor picks up every sound, and I would lie awake at night listening to every peep, wondering she was going to start crying, and then after 5 hours of very interrupted sleep, I would wake up shaking and sick.  But that eased up very quickly, especially after I realized I didn't have to have the monitor at full volume all night.  And we did just fine.  So I talked to my therapist on Tuesday, and she suggests I seem to be doing much better - dealing with stress better.  I told her about the anxiety two weeks ago and she mentioned most people would feel some extra stress with four extra kids.  I felt - still feel - apprehensive, saying I'm doing better.  I mean, I went several years with very little in the way of symptoms - how do I know I'm doing better?  What if we cut down on our sessions (which it makes sense to do - I spend a lot of time lately just chatting about my day with her right now, which I could do with friends for free) and I start having panic attacks again?  And she says - get this - "you call me and make another appointment."  What is this logic?  You mean, there is no regimented course of treatment?  If I need more, I schedule more? 

I guess that's pretty irrational, not understanding that right away - I guess it just seems so...un-medical.  When I have bronchitis, I go on an antibiotic (my bronchitis is almost always bacterial, I am not just pushing for meds) for a regimented amount of time and it goes away.  I guess I kind of wish my brain was like that - I have a very hard time answering the therapist's question, "what am I hoping to get out of this?"  I don't know, I want to feel better.  So give me a pill, some exercises, and a prescribed number of sessions, and bill me. 

Wouldn't it be easier if it worked that way?

On the other hand, I am gratified to learn that my therapist is not just out for my cash.  She is the one who suggested I don't need to pay someone to listen to me tell her I'm feeling pretty good, thanks, and you?

Alright, it's late and I should have been asleep a long time ago.  I'll have to do another book post soon - I've been reading a lot this summer, and I hit my goal of 60 books in 2012 almost a month ago.  Probably should update that one. 

Vacation, books, and health

I'm having some trouble sleeping tonight.  I was well on my way, but my husband came into the room and switched on the tv, then proceeded to flip channels, back and forth, back and forth - I just can't sleep through that.  So I came down here to wait him out - he'll fall asleep soon.  Sucks though, I am really trying to get to sleep and a more reasonable time - before midnight, preferably, and he does not make that easy. 

They say that if you are trying to form new habits, you should make your intentions public - I am trying (again, I know, but better I try again than not try at all) to make healthy changes in my life.  Earlier bedtime is one of those habits I am trying to form - I am also working (right now) on more water and moving every day.  Yesterday I did Jillian Michael's Beginner's workout DVD, which was hard, and I am way sore today.  Today I walked on the treadmill for 35 minutes.  So we're 2 for 2.  The Jillian Michael's DVD has two workouts, one for the front of the body, one for the back.  I did the front yesterday, I plan to do the rear tomorrow.  Expect to hear a great deal of swearing.

I've talked before about my mom's health problems and my desire to avoid them, but I also have read the research, and have the experience - a person who is focusing on her health and who has a regular exercise routine has less depression and anxiety symptoms.  The past six months have been tough, I'm not going to lie, and if getting off my butt is going to help, I am going for it.  Of course, that is easier said than done - I've known this little tidbit for a long time, and you notice how many times I have started and stopped a health routine (for those who don't know - lots,) but I've been seeing a therapist, and I am getting older, as are my kids, and we need me healthy.  It's hard work, though.  Please feel free to occasionally kick my rear.


Speaking of kids - here is The Girl, playing with her grandpa's dog, Riley.  She loves dogs, and they are more willing to do what she says than our cats.  Unfortunately I am terribly allergic to dogs (I had to leave shortly after this picture was taken) and we can't have one (yes, I know how odd it is that I can have cats.)  My husband had his vacation last week and we went to central Illinois to visit his family.  They are fab people, but I did inform him that next vacation we are going somewhere where family does not live.  I am all about saving money, but I really want vacation.  Soon.  At any rate, because I am allergic to his dad's dogs, I spent a lot of time at husband's grandma's house.  We always stay with her, and she is a lovely, and truly classy woman.  We chatted, but both of us are readers, and that quiet house was perfect for reading.  I finished four novels in the 6 days we were there.  One was The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern - one of my new favorites. 

Anyway, I'm going to meditate briefly and go to bed.  Husband should probably be asleep by now and I can turn off the freaking All-Star game and get some sleep. 

Busy busy June.

 Hello my lovely friends.  We're already mid summer, and I've not posted much of anything.  It's been hot.  It's been hot everywhere, I understand.  Bummer.  Here is a bit of a rundown of our summer thus far.

The Girl went to sleepaway camp for the first time this year, the end of May.  The Boy has been going to 4-H camp for years, and this was his first year as a junior counselor, which he enjoyed, and her first year as a camper.  She said she did the challenge course, wood burning, canoing, and lots of swimming.  It was actually quite cool - as you can see, she's wearing a sweatshirt on her last day.











The next week was Relay For Life.  I've been babbling enough about it here, you all know it is a 12 hour fundraiser for the American Cancer Society.  It was my first time on the committee, let alone as chairperson, we were a new committee at a new location.  And it was the best Relay yet.  We came to enjoy working together, which apparently showed, according to some of our oldest participants.  We had great music, an amazing speaker, the weather was awesome.  My team made crafts to sell - my A friends and I made purses out of pants to sell.  Unfortunately we only sold 2 at Relay itself, so I still have 12 left - I made some from my old Army uniforms and others from jeans and if you know anyone who is interested in purchasing a purse, please let me know, they are really cute.  We're almost at our goal, financially, so if anyone is interested in donating...ahem...

 Baseball is finally over, hooray!  The Boy's team didn't do well, but he pitched very well this year, so we're proud.  Although this was definitely a test of his ability to get along with other people - he didn't like some of his teammates, and he wasn't always quiet about it.  I'm trying to teach him to effective communications - he is not exactly open to the lesson...


 The Girl's team did do pretty well.  The first game of the tournament they were down 3-0 in the 2nd inning.  She had not been hitting well all season, but she steps up to bat with the bases loaded, and hits a high line drive to center field, over the fielder's heads.  She tied up the game, and then the rest of the players seemed to remember how to play baseball.  They won the game, 14-7.  They finally lost in the 3rd game of the tournament (thankfully.)  She is ready to move on to softball for next year, so hopefully she'll enjoy that more.

The rest of June was spent chauffering my Girl around - she went to soccer camp, basketball camp, and circus camp.  She loves Circus Mojo camp (that's her on the bottom left.  It was the best picture I got of her at their final performance.)

So that was June.  I'll share more of our summer later.  I need to go upstairs and finish making dinner.  Hungarian beef stew.  In 100 degree weather.  Thank goodness for air conditioning so I can make stew in the summer.