Lovely October-ness

I've spoken before about October being my favorite month.

Kentucky in October is amazing - the world is drenched in technicolor autumn-ness.

The temperatures have dropped - it's dipping below 50 at night, and I don't want to turn on the heat yet when I know the temperature will rise again.

It's more fun to burrow under blankets, wrap yourself in cats, and drink tea and hot cocoa with marshmallow fluff.

A Rough Time of It.

Sigh of relief.

That is what I am uttering right now, because I have not had a panic attack in a few days.

Because I am a completely open book, mental issues are simply not much the stigma these days, and I already overshare on a relatively public forum, I have never been shy about sharing my experiences with mental illness here. I have mentioned before that I suffer from depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which I have mostly been controlling with medication for 8 years. Quite bluntly, as anyone dealing with this sort of thing knows, it sucks. Because an anxiety attack feels icky. Because if you're not shaking like a leaf, nauseous and sweaty, then you're on the verge of sobbing uncontrollably for no conceivable reason. Because there's always a chance your meds might decide to stop working, or your insurance will stop covering the medication, or some stress will be too much for your current dose. And you feel like "this is a mental issue. I should be able to handle this with some deep breathing and meditation." But I can't.

This past week, something happened and I started panicking on Saturday morning. And kept it up for awhile. I was able to mostly breathe through the attacks, but as someone who has gotten used to controlling the symptoms with medication, I was not dealing well. I lost 12 lbs in one week, because, let's face it, it's difficult to eat when you're nauseous. I talked to the doctor Monday and he said he didn't think it was a med issue, but he changed his mind on Wednesday and upped my dosage a bit. I feel better now. I feel, however, like each time I have another attack, it's a wake-up call that I need to take more control of my own mental health. The meds work great, and I'm thankful, but habitual meditation, better eating and exercize habits, and finally getting off my butt and seeing a psychologist will probably help even more. Something to think about.

Another thing that kills me about this particular disorder is how completely self-centered it makes me. Let's face it, I have to be pretty egotistical to think a bunch of people want to read a blog about me anyway, but when I'm dealing with this? I have friends who were having surgery this past week, and all I could think about was breathing through anxiety attacks and when would they finally stop? Which made me feel a bit like a jerk.

So many people are dealing with mental illness of some sort in their lives. If you suffer from any sort, I hope you realize you are not alone, and take the initiative and get the help you need.

On a lighter note, here is an amusing and apt quote from Rita Mae Brown:

"The statistics on insanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're ok, then it's you."

An Evening in the Lap of Luxury

This is the Girl. With her peanut. The Girl won our school's PTA drawing for tickets to see the Reds play the Astros last night.

The tickets were in the Champion Club section, which pleased my people to no end. There are many buffets in the Champion Club. My people love buffets.

The seats had cushions! I love seat cushions! We also got to park at the park (never parked closer than a mile away,) and ride an elevator to the section. Apparently the two guys in the elevator who were chatting with my Girl were the announcers. My Guy was pretty amused that I had no idea who they were. I was irritated he didn't tell me - I would have taken pictures. Which is why he didn't tell me. Did I mention the seats had cushions?

Our PTA is awesome. How can we possibly go back?

Oh, yeah, and the Reds won.

September...so far

I love autumn, and I've always treated September as a sort of second New Year's - a time to revisit my life this year. I will go through my resolutions from January and see where I am, try and get things in order again. I didn't really make many resolutions this year; in fact I cut down on my resolution-making and tried to simplify a bit, since each time I blew a resolution, it was another chance to feel like a failure. Not exactly an uplifting way to live life. But lists are fun, and I can't seem to break the resolution habit:

I grew something from seed. See those cucumbers the Girl is holding? Yup. Grew them. And the beans from my last post. And they were mighty tasty. Check!

I did start an exercize program and worked very hard on getting some weight off. I did well for a few months, and then I stopped sleeping, so I stopped working out, and I gained back most of the weight. I'm starting again - adding a few healthy habits at a time. This week? 3 days of exercize, 48 oz water, and 8 hours of sleep. Every day.

I've been looking for a new job. My job at American Cancer Society was eliminated on August 31, and as of that time I only had one job offer, which I decided to turn down. Right now I am subbing for the school district (classified sub - staff support and paraeducation) which is interesting, but I would very much like to find something permanent. Fingers crossed, friends.

My efforts to add a bit of creativity each day have been an epic fail, however. Which is sad. You would think I would be more attentive to something so nurturing to my very soul, but alas. I will strive to move this item further up the list.

Some little summer list items - I will be attacking my storage room this week and adding things to my garage sale pile - which is growing exponentially. I believe the garage sale will have to be held in two weeks - I need to get this stuff out of my garage. It's supposed to be warm this week, so I will definitely make the popscicles. And did you see my cucumbers?

Other craziness: the kids are way busy since school started. The Boy is playing golf and baseball, and he's on the academic team, so I've been chauffering him about regularly. The Girl is playing soccer and loving it, and she is enjoying her new teacher. She got A's on her first science and math tests - go Girl! We do have to work on her reading a bit - she is good at it, but I have to remind her to do it. She would rather play outside with her friends, or draw, or teach school to our cat Finnegan, which is very amusing to watch. Last week he learned all about the phases of matter, and the difference between a physical property and chemical property. An odd one, my Girl.

Yum...

I may have lost all my squash and pumpkins, but we finally had enough green beans for a side dish tonight. They didn't need a thing, I just steamed them and the rest of the family was lucky I didn't just eat them all with my fingers before dinner. Maybe I'll have to grow more next year. And get rid of the squash bugs before they kill everything, little punks.

Musings...

These are pictures of the kids on their first day of school. I know, the one of the Girl is terrible - I was in a hurry, and just took it with the sun in her face. The Boy is in high school - crazy. I asked him how he likes it so far, and he said he liked it better than middle school. I asked him what was better, and he responded, "the teachers aren't all up in our business."

He has "business" now?

The past two days have been good. I only have 3 days left at ACS, so the girls from the office took me out for lunch at Montgomery Inn (yum) and many laughs were had. Last night we had soccer practice, and one of the moms ordered pizza and we hung out after practice. The girls played more soccer and bonded, and the parents got to know each other a little better. Then I went to another friend's for a bonfire, some beer, and more chatting. Awesome day.

Today the Girl had a soccer game. They lost, 3-2, but they did so well. And my Girl did not let the ball pass her when she was playing defense - she rocked! I was very proud. The afternoon included haircuts, lunch, and a short nap before the Boy's baseball game. They lost. Really horribly. But one of the kids admitted to being 18, and several of the kids drove themselves. It is so odd that we're playing kids with facial hair now. I'm telling you, I am not old enough.

My eyes are feeling burny, now, and my mind is beginning to blank. Probably time for bed. Good night.

This morning...

I woke up to rain this morning. I love a rainy Sunday.

I drank my coffee on the back porch with the smells and sounds of rain.

Nobody else was awake.

It was a peaceful and lovely way to start the day.