Oof

 I hate being that person (and I'm totally that person) that comes on here, or on social media, or wherever, and says, "this is going to happen, I'm going to do these things and it's going to be awesome."  Because, of course I've been talking about This Time is Going to Work, about organization, about money, about WEIGHT LOSS for 20 freaking years, and then I come here and say, well, so, I didn't do what I said I was going to do, oops, but this time! For sure!

And we get to January 2. And Mom is in the hospital again. And I am stressing about that, and other stuff. And I'm not getting SHIT done. I've gained 4 lbs. My house is...well, not dirtier, but certainly not cleaner. And I woke up this morning having panic attacks. Full blown, heart racing, cold sweat, nausea, can't focus on anything but putting my bra on. I haven't had a full blown panic attack in a few years, so this sucks. And my journal isn't put together, and I haven't started any fabulous routines, and today I'm just trying to do one task after another, because that is all I can focus on.

And I'm sorry I'm coming on here to once again saying, no really, I plan to make changes (I did take the Amazon app off my phone. That did happen.) Honestly I'm really thankful people keep reading when I write here, because today I'm feeling a bit like screaming into the void. 

I did go to the gym. And it helped. I've been working today, completing work tasks correctly. That helps. I tracked my breakfast and lunch, and I've had a lot of water. There are some wins. But today is not a good day in Missy world. I hope to have better things to say next week.

I looked up "drawings of anxiety" and this is generally a lot of what I found, which is really freaking accurate. Although the drawings of Shawn Coss really captured the feelings behind various mental illnesses, including anxiety, depression, and really effectively, panic attack disorder, but looking at them makes me cry, so maybe not today.