The Year I Make It Happen

How long have I been blogging here?  Five, six years?  And every year I say, "this year I'm going to lose weight, I'm going to save money, I'm going to be a better mom."  And then I gain weight, or freak out on my kids, or go further into debt.  I'm impressed that you all keep coming back. 

So, Erin over at BlueBirdBaby posted a challenge for the year. 


That is the button which will hopefully make it's way onto my sidebar, but Blogger seems to find new ways to irritate me each day.  Today it refuses to save the entire string of code, and just now apparently messed up while trying to save the entire post...sigh.  Anyway...

In the past two months, I have been diagnosed with high blood pressure and high cholesterol.  I have been having anxiety attacks, and my depression has snuck in at very inopportune times.  I'm feeling fully unhealthy.  I've been sick the past week, and then two weeks before that. 

I'm tired of feeling sick, exhausted, sad, and unworthy. 

So, this year I will Make It Happen, for my physical and mental health.  There are a thousand things I would like to improve about myself, but what is the point of working on other aspects of myself when my body and my mind are not healthy enough to accept the changes? 

Erin's challenge does not dictate that we make plans or even blog about the whole thing, but big sweeping changes just don't happen over night, and I need to plot and plan for them.  Small steps, right?

Over the next month, I will make the following things happen:

1.  Move, every day.  At least 10 minutes.  I started this on January 1, and did well, but then I got sick and couldn't breathe.  And then I got depressed.  So, we start again today.

2.  Sleep, every night.  No more Facebook and Freecell until midnight.  Neither is very interesting.  If I'm not out with friends, I'm in bed by 11.

3.  Meet with new therapist.  I love the woman I've been seeing, but I feel like I need a little more input.  I don't think she takes me very seriously. 

4.  Meditate and/or journal, at least once a week.  I have to start small with this one.  But I do feel better when it's done.

These are definitely steps I can take.  And, honestly, I need all the help I can get, so join me, kick my butt, whatever.  Together, we can make it happen.

A post of lists

I haven't written any good lists lately, and I'm feeling the list tonight, so here are some current lists:

Books I need to read in the next month (in the order in which they must be read:)
1.  Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav (spiritual discussion group)
2.  Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn (Book Club 1)
3.  One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey (Classics book club)
4.  Chocolat by Joann Harris (Book Club 2)
5.  The Secret Keeper by Kate Morton
6.  Promises Kept by E. Napier (written by a talented friend)

I plan to read more, but these are the books that have to be read.  I do love a good book.

Stuff I really should accomplish before the end of January:
1.  Deep clean all bathrooms
2.  Sell uniforms at Southgate shop
3.  Clean up craft area
4.  Paint Girl's room!  Seriously!  You've been promising!

Me - right now:
1.  Avid reader
2.  Orange-lover (the fruit, not the color)
3.  craft-dabbler
4.  New crochet-er
5.  procrastinator
6.  spiritual searcher
7.  bit of a nut-job
8.  hot tea drinker
9.  Music enthusiast
10. Doctor Who fan (I don't think I can be considered a "Whovian" because I've only wanted to watch the modern series.)
heehee.

That which is keeping me sane.

I have not quite felt myself since the beginning of December.  I'm not sure what's going on - I'm obsessing over things, real and imagined, that I can't really control.  I've been to the doctor and my therapist, and discussed med changes, and talked through my problems.  I'm not having panic attacks, thank goodness, but I am crying more easily than usual, and I wake up each morning a little shaky and nauseous.  This is all rather sucky, so I've implemented some changes over things I can control, and these changes are helping:

1.  Exercise.  There are three reasons I've stepped up the workouts - I lost a lot of weight over the month of December and as my appetite returns, I don't want to gain it all back at once;  the last time I exercised regularly, I never had a panic attack or bout of depression (and there is actual scientific proof that regular exercise helps with depression;) and finally, last time I was at the doctor's office, he said my blood pressure was dangerously high and he put me on blood pressure medication.  I tried to argue that I had been suffering a month-long anxiety attack, and that had to raise my blood pressure, but the "dangerously" part concerned me.  He said if I lose 20 more pounds, he'll look at taking me off the medication.  Here's hoping.

2.  Writing and meditation.  I know these things work, but I don't always do them.  I'm trying to do at least one a day.

3.  My friends.  What amazing friends I have.  So many people willing to listen, to hug, to tell me I'm wonderful.  I'm a very lucky girl.

4.  My mom and my sister.  Same thing here - I can always go to them for support.  And both understand me better than I do.

5.  These girls.  Even when I am feeling my worst, a hug from a twinlet makes me smile. 

Things are looking up a bit - I'm feeling a little clearer, a little sunnier.  Winter is a tough time for those of us dealing with depression - even if your diagnosis isn't seasonal, the dark and cold has an affect.  Find those actions you can take to make yourself feel better - I feel more in control of my own illness when I know what I need to do.  Good luck to us all.