I've been doing so well since May. No anxiety attacks. My therapist is all, "I think we've figured out your triggers and you're working through them...what a success." So why, then, when stress is a little higher than usual, am I sitting awake at 5:30AM on a Saturday, trying to deep breathe my way through an anxiety attack? I went out and tried to exercise away some of the excess adrenaline - it's still there.
A friend of mine and I are often amazed at how different our responses to our symptoms are. She wants to curl into a ball and cry alone. I want to be around friends. I want to hug the people I love close. Which is a problem at 5AM - nobody wants to be hugged at 5AM. So I breathe deeply and desperately hope it will be better tomorrow.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
A Little Bit of Crazy
I keep saying I want to get on here and blog more often. Lately, however, I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed, and when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I have trouble putting two cohesive sentences together. Yeah, "feeling scattered" is putting it mildly. I'm not saying I'm busier than the average mom with an inability to say no to anyone, but I seem to be feeling it a bit more than usual. So here's what's going on, and how it's affecting my usual cool as a cucumber psyche:
1. School. Homework. Kids complaining about teachers. Girl has her first teacher she doesn't just love, and we've had to have the "you're not always going to like your teacher" conversation. She seems heartbroken. Boy does not like his English teacher, and the feeling is mutual. I have to keep reminding him that she does have some control over his future, so he'd better learn to fake it. Boy also wants to get into a more challenging school next year, and mama here is stressing about that more than he is.
2. Still looking for a job. Yes, I am a sub for my local school district, but I really would like to get on permanently somewhere. This became more stressful this week when...
3. My car broke. She started leaking and smoking the other day...not an attractive look for my sweet ride, let me tell you. They had to take the entire engine apart to get to the problem. This was a very expensive repair. Why, you may ask, did I choose to spend $600 to fix a car that is not worth more than $900? Because, my friends, I need to keep her running another year, or at least until I get a permanent, full time job. Then I can get a new car. With air conditioning!
4. Relay For Life. I went to our regional Relay Leadership Summit this past weekend in Nashville, a city I've never visited, and really still have never visited, as we spent the entire time in the hotel. The Gaylord Opryland Hotel was a lovely hotel, though - huge, many acres of lovely. This Summit was supposed to be a motivational, "let's make our Relay the best it can be" kind of thing. Unfortunately, I found myself a little disheartened. All these communities, many of them much poorer communities, are bringing in hundreds of thousands of dollars, and our rather wealthy community only brought in $85,000 this year. I have to remind myself, though, that this was a $15,000 increase over last year. With a new committee in a new place. We almost doubled our team number. These are all good things. I'm hoping to help build this committee more, and then increase our numbers again for 2013. Feeling better. I knew writing this out would help.
5. Do you stress out when your kid is sick? I mean, do you waffle back and forth about whether you should let them stay home, and then you continue to obsess about whether you should have let them stay, oh, and should you take them to the doctor if it's just a cough? Maybe it will turn into pneumonia, but it could be just allergies, oh boy, and then the panic attacks set in. You see what I'm talking about here? Funny enough, they're not even sick right now. I just got myself into that crazy space.
I finished The Haunting of Hill House today, and that was an interesting book. A real, decent haunting story, the kind that keeps you guessing. I can't say anymore, for fear of either ruining the story for you all, or for the people I will be discussing the book with at a future book club party. So now I'm all about the scary books, and my library just got Odd Apocalypse in for me today. So I'll start that next.
My head has been hurting all day today, so I think I will go up to bed soon. Next time will be a bit more cheerful, and a bit sooner, I promise. Maybe I'll snap a picture or two to post here...
1. School. Homework. Kids complaining about teachers. Girl has her first teacher she doesn't just love, and we've had to have the "you're not always going to like your teacher" conversation. She seems heartbroken. Boy does not like his English teacher, and the feeling is mutual. I have to keep reminding him that she does have some control over his future, so he'd better learn to fake it. Boy also wants to get into a more challenging school next year, and mama here is stressing about that more than he is.
2. Still looking for a job. Yes, I am a sub for my local school district, but I really would like to get on permanently somewhere. This became more stressful this week when...
3. My car broke. She started leaking and smoking the other day...not an attractive look for my sweet ride, let me tell you. They had to take the entire engine apart to get to the problem. This was a very expensive repair. Why, you may ask, did I choose to spend $600 to fix a car that is not worth more than $900? Because, my friends, I need to keep her running another year, or at least until I get a permanent, full time job. Then I can get a new car. With air conditioning!
4. Relay For Life. I went to our regional Relay Leadership Summit this past weekend in Nashville, a city I've never visited, and really still have never visited, as we spent the entire time in the hotel. The Gaylord Opryland Hotel was a lovely hotel, though - huge, many acres of lovely. This Summit was supposed to be a motivational, "let's make our Relay the best it can be" kind of thing. Unfortunately, I found myself a little disheartened. All these communities, many of them much poorer communities, are bringing in hundreds of thousands of dollars, and our rather wealthy community only brought in $85,000 this year. I have to remind myself, though, that this was a $15,000 increase over last year. With a new committee in a new place. We almost doubled our team number. These are all good things. I'm hoping to help build this committee more, and then increase our numbers again for 2013. Feeling better. I knew writing this out would help.
5. Do you stress out when your kid is sick? I mean, do you waffle back and forth about whether you should let them stay home, and then you continue to obsess about whether you should have let them stay, oh, and should you take them to the doctor if it's just a cough? Maybe it will turn into pneumonia, but it could be just allergies, oh boy, and then the panic attacks set in. You see what I'm talking about here? Funny enough, they're not even sick right now. I just got myself into that crazy space.
I finished The Haunting of Hill House today, and that was an interesting book. A real, decent haunting story, the kind that keeps you guessing. I can't say anymore, for fear of either ruining the story for you all, or for the people I will be discussing the book with at a future book club party. So now I'm all about the scary books, and my library just got Odd Apocalypse in for me today. So I'll start that next.
My head has been hurting all day today, so I think I will go up to bed soon. Next time will be a bit more cheerful, and a bit sooner, I promise. Maybe I'll snap a picture or two to post here...
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Whole lotta what's up.
I just had a lovely dinner out with my mom. We rarely get to spend any time alone, catching up, so it was really nice. I mentioned I had blogged about some food issues today, and she was quite irritated when I said it was on my SparkPeople blog, not here. I don't get on here enough.
Ooh, the Girl is scratching my back. Lovely.
Here are some pictures from the zoo - we went the day before school started.
This is my sweet potato niece, one of the twinlets. Isn't she precious? My face looks ridiculously large next to her sweet little face. This was the first day of school - we took my nephew out for lunch after his (sniff) first day of kindergarten.
Anyway, the last few weeks have been busy busy - taking care of bidness. My kids are playing soccer (Girl) and golf and baseball (Boy), which takes up plenty of time. I've been working on Relay for next year (Relay For Life update - we made our goal for 2012! Woohoo! Gearing up for 2013!) volunteering for our school PTA, and working on some family stuff. I've been trying hard to focus a little harder on my health and fitness, and trying to figure out my food issues. I find I eat out of boredom and when I'm tired, and I nosh mindlessly. I decided to tackle this subject with my therapist, we're working on mindfulness and replacing my mindless noshing with other, nonfood-related activities. This is what I blogged about on Sparkpeople - my Sparkpage is listed over on the side in the links section if you're interested. I'd love some good ideas for replacement activities. I've been walking with a few friends, sweating plenty, but my eating habits are difficult to deal with.
Do you notice that all the Disney Channel girls are, like, the same person? And they all sing. Do you think they all live in a commune or something? Maybe they're bred and raised, like prize farm animals? It's a little scary.
Have I mentioned my recent discovery and love for an author named Jen Lancaster? She writes memoirs - really freaking funny memoirs. I just finished My Fair Lazy; she discovers that her steady diet of reality tv (she spends some time discussing her addiction to MTV's The Real World, which amuses me to no end, since I used to love that show) has left her woefully unprepared to attend a dinner party with other authors she admires. She decides to embark upon a cultural renaissance, or "Jenaissance" as she calls it, seeking out theater, music, classic books, and ethnically diverse foods. One of the things I love most about this author, aside from her hilarious observations, is that she lives in Chicago. Don't you love it when the author you're reading lives in a city you know well, so you can picture exactly where they are? Anyway, read Jen. Check out her blog - www.jennsylvania.com.
'K - gotta go. Have a spectacular night.
Ooh, the Girl is scratching my back. Lovely.
Baby Camel!
Anyway, the last few weeks have been busy busy - taking care of bidness. My kids are playing soccer (Girl) and golf and baseball (Boy), which takes up plenty of time. I've been working on Relay for next year (Relay For Life update - we made our goal for 2012! Woohoo! Gearing up for 2013!) volunteering for our school PTA, and working on some family stuff. I've been trying hard to focus a little harder on my health and fitness, and trying to figure out my food issues. I find I eat out of boredom and when I'm tired, and I nosh mindlessly. I decided to tackle this subject with my therapist, we're working on mindfulness and replacing my mindless noshing with other, nonfood-related activities. This is what I blogged about on Sparkpeople - my Sparkpage is listed over on the side in the links section if you're interested. I'd love some good ideas for replacement activities. I've been walking with a few friends, sweating plenty, but my eating habits are difficult to deal with.
Do you notice that all the Disney Channel girls are, like, the same person? And they all sing. Do you think they all live in a commune or something? Maybe they're bred and raised, like prize farm animals? It's a little scary.
Have I mentioned my recent discovery and love for an author named Jen Lancaster? She writes memoirs - really freaking funny memoirs. I just finished My Fair Lazy; she discovers that her steady diet of reality tv (she spends some time discussing her addiction to MTV's The Real World, which amuses me to no end, since I used to love that show) has left her woefully unprepared to attend a dinner party with other authors she admires. She decides to embark upon a cultural renaissance, or "Jenaissance" as she calls it, seeking out theater, music, classic books, and ethnically diverse foods. One of the things I love most about this author, aside from her hilarious observations, is that she lives in Chicago. Don't you love it when the author you're reading lives in a city you know well, so you can picture exactly where they are? Anyway, read Jen. Check out her blog - www.jennsylvania.com.
'K - gotta go. Have a spectacular night.
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