Trying to move past the icebergs

I had kind of a major psychological breakthrough this morning. A little early for a major breakthrough, I understand, but it happened. I was reading October's Self magazine (bathroom reading, where all major breakthroughs should occur.) I was reading an article about a woman's search for happiness and what was holding her back. A therapist told her to identify her "core beliefs." When she spoke of "core beliefs", however, she wasn't speaking of faith, or religious upbringing, or even moral and ethical values. She called them "iceberg beliefs" because they reach deep down to the core, and shape every decision you make, whether you realize it or not.

As I read this I started thinking about my own "iceberg beliefs." I realized I have three that shape every decision I make:

"I can't handle that" - There have been challenges I have avoided because I assumed I could not rise to the occasion, and failure would be humiliating. Secondly, and more importantly, I never finished college, which has haunted me the past 15 years. I have put off trying for jobs or voicing opinions because I assumed my lack of education would make me an unlikely authority on anything. I dream of going back and finishing my degree, but my kids get to go first, that is just the way it goes. And, as a result, I continue to think just slightly less of myself for not finishing, for not having that piece of paper saying I'm an educated, intelligent person. Yes, logically I realize, a person can be intelligent without being educated, but the two or inexorably linked in my own head, and that little core truth, coupled with the constant questioning "am I up to the challenge? Probably not" continues to shape my decisions.

"They don't want you around." Oh, I know where this one comes from. My own beloved grandmother had horrible self-esteem and paranoia, and she lovingly passed them down to me, along with a love for Scrabble and all things Swedish. As a result, I am an extrovert in a shy person's body, making me uncomfortable meeting new people, even as I crave contact. My discomfort presents itself in weird ways - I speak louder and faster, laugh inappropriately, and come across as quite the dork.

"People only like you if you can do something for them." I really think this is a common one. There is a reason people, especially women, I think, stretch themselves way too thin. This is one I'm going to have to face down and conquer quickly, though, as I am desperately trying to find a new job, and it is unlikely the hours will be as accommodating as this one. I volunteer a lot, and while part of me is doing it because I really want to do something for other people, part of me simply does not want to let anyone down. And I'll have to, sooner or later, if I don't want to go insane.

Of course, realizing these beliefs are there and doing something about moving past them are two different things. But I can only imagine seeing these icebergs gives me a chance to maneuver around them, instead of side-swiping them and ripping giant gashes in my hull...or allowing them to influence my life unduly. And, as GI Joe always said, "knowing IS half the battle."

a few technical difficulties.

For some reason I started posting this long, happy post here, and I was super-pleased with it, and all of a sudden, it changed and I was posting to the Girl Scout blog, and what I was posting was not appropriate. Bad, Blogspot.

So, as I was saying...yesterday was kind of rotten, and I will share as soon as things are solidified, but for now, just know it was rotten. But I'm in a good mood today, and feeling the love:

I love my early mornings. Not the waking, waking sucks. But taking my coffee onto the porch, and inhaling the damp, cool, loveliness before anyone else wakes up...is fantastic.

I love having lunch with a favorite friend. We had yummy Chinese next door and unloaded all the recent news...we aren't phone friends, so these lunches and crafty get togethers are the only times we really chat. Perfect lunch hour.

I'm loving this blog I've newly discovered - Pancakes and French Fries. She is so cute and funny, and I love reading her blog.

I love finding just the right thing for a person who is going through the most traumatic experience of her life. Today I found the right, most perfect wig for a patient, and I answered all her questions, and she was so happy when she left, she hugged me. I love those hugs.

So, there is a something happy in the rotten-ness today.

Feeling a bit chatty.

I woke up feeling bizarre - really spacey, fuzzy, kind of tense and sick. Realized I had skipped yesterday's mental meds - that's what I get for waking up a bit too late for breakfast, and having to run out to soccer game-new tires-posterboard pickup-etc...I've also been rather frazzled - it's been crazy! I'm starting back full time at work, which is a good thing, but also reason for a major schedule upheaval, since I never even got into a decent routine before. I have to, have to find a way to fit in exercize - I'm feeling rotten, and I know this will help. I finally finished going over annual reports for MOMS Club, which was kind of a big job, and will be bigger next year, since I've learned I will be coordinating for two new chapters soon. Our first Market day of the year is this Wednesday, I was receiving e-mail after e-mail about making calls and pushing the sale because we were so close to reaching a goal. And we need help with the sale and nobody is responding to help. Which is...frustrating. This week is busy - Girl Scouts, golf, soccer, baseball, Marketday, work...and I am the matron of honor (goddess of the universe) of my baby sister's wedding, and I am really stressing about it, which is silly - I mean, I already got married. But I want to help out and do a good job...and the shower is coming up way soon. Ugh.

Of course, today was actually quite lovely - I checked out a store I've been wanting to see, The Christmas Tree Store, which I assumed sold all Christmas stuff. It doesn't. And I went to Staples and Barnes and Noble (I started The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo the other day, which is really good, but I have to return it to the library along with several others, and I figured I like it enough, so I bought it and the next one. Hooray for paperback!) And I went to David's Bridal, just to look around, and I think I found the dress I want for the wedding, which is good, since it is in 2 months. So, go productive me.

My brother keeps calling me pissy. The more he says that, the more I want to punch him.

I took a picture I enjoy last week - here, you enjoy it, now.

I've been having the most bizarre dreams lately. A very interesting recent one involved me watching the Emperor from Star Wars fighting the Jedi while I sat on the ground wrapped in his black wool cloak-thingy. I kept rooting for the Jedi, and after the Emperor won, he grabbed his cloak away from me and said, "thanks a lot." So Luke Skywalker gave me his. Apparently I was cold. Then I got up and went back to the all night crop I was at. Which is, apparently, where the dream got boring, according to my Boy, who was enjoying my retelling up to that point.

In response to Chris Moore's blog criticism...

1. Not of my blog, perse, but of those bloggers who post lists and call them blog entries.
2. Is it lazy? Perhaps.
3. But I like making lists.
4. And I like making them here.
5. So there.

{this moment}

Inspired by SouleMama.

A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

thank*full Thursdays

Such a gratifying response to last week's post - and focusing on that which we are grateful for is healthy. So this week I am thank*full for:

1. Some good news at work. I don't know whether I can share yet, so I'll just say, I am pleased, and will share more next week.

2. A 4 day weekend. I love my job, but I'm pretty excited about lovely unstructured-ness.

3. My husband is home! He was in Argentina for work. Generally, I admit, I love his business trips since he doesn't travel much. I get the bed to myself, make the food he doesn't like, when I feel like it...but this time he was so far away. I was a little nervous, and I'm glad to have him home.

4. Mr. Clean's Magic Eraser mop. Yes, I am thankful for a mop. I get this nasty black buildup under the table from the bottoms of my chairs (and yes, I have cleaned the bottoms of the chairs) and this mop cleans it, no scrubbing necessary. A lovely thing. What I'm not so thankful for is that the mop is only sold at the Target around here. I went to 3 different stores looking for the heads until I finally found them today. I look forward to mopping tomorrow. Good times.

5. We finished the whole "Six Feet Under" series last night. Wow, those last few episodes were seriously depressing. I sobbed during the 3rd to last. Then I had to watch the last two, so I was up after 2AM. It was definitely worth watching, although I have to agree with my friend S that the first few seasons were much better than the rest. Interestingly, I found myself alternately despising each of the main characters at varying times. It was odd actually wanting to spend the time to find out what happened to these people I despised. The acting was pretty freaking amazing by all, but Michael C. Hall was Brilliant. It is going to be odd watching him play the very definitely straight Dexter this fall. Can't wait for Dexter...